It's official, I'm undateable. I finally broke down and went to eharmony and after spending half an hour answering questions found out that they can't match me with anyone. I know that this news would turn most people into serial killers - as a matter of fact, I believe that's how the Green River Killer got started - but I resolve to prove them wrong. And then I'll kill every last one of those rat bastards working for eharmony.
So at this point my only recourse is to turn to strippers and prostitutes. Sure it has it's down sides - communicable diseases, toothless crack whores, etc. But then again, I think it might actually be cheaper than traditional dating and I won't have to go see any chick flicks. Seems like a fair trade off.
If that doesn't work out, I'll have to mail order a bride. I'll have to do my research though, I don't know whether it's preferable to get one from Southeast Asia or a former eastern block country. I could see myself with a sultry latin woman - eating meals comprised of different combinations of cheese and tortillas thrice daily - except that I haven't seen any latin bride catalogues or web sites.