Tuesday, December 27, 2011


 I saw this picture accompanying an ad on Facebook telling me to browse church girls on christianmingle.com.  Maybe it's just me, but 'church girls' isn't the first thing that springs to mind when I see this photo.  Nor does it make me feel like I'm the target demographic, unless it's suggesting I can expect to find myself in a good, wholesome threesome.  Granted, it is fairly tame by Facebook standards, but still not the image I would think most churches would be advocating. 

Also, I'm now considering starting a band named Wholesome Threesome. 

Thursday, December 22, 2011

The Grinch

Last night my Christmas viewing spree continued unabated with How The Grinch Stole Christmas.  The original cartoon version, not the terrible Jim Carrey version.  Anyway, the point is that early on in the show, the narrator kept going on and on about how what the Grinch hated most about the Whos down in Whoville is the noise.  Quoth the Grinch, "That's one thing I hate! All the noise, noise, noise, noise!"

Well, this reminded me that on nearly a daily basis, I complain about the noisy people in my office.  But rather than feel like a Grinch, I found that this made him more relateable and sympathetic.  The Grinch wasn't really a bad guy, he was just a private man who enjoyed quiet and solitude but was continually pestered by his noisy and inconsiderate neighbors.  Yes, I would gladly steal Christmas from some of my co-workers if it would get them to shut the hell up. 

This got me thinking:  a lot of offices have a 'secret Santa' program around this time of year where people anonymously give gifts.  Well, I think I'm going to start a 'secret Grinch' program in my office.  I am going to go around and anonymously steal people's roast beast and whatever other things strike my fancy, while leaving behind a business card saying, "courtesy of the Grinch."  I realize that publicly stating this may reduce the anonymity somewhat, but that's a risk I'm willing to take if this thing is ever going to catch on.  And since I don't work with any children, only adults that act like children, there are no Cindy Lou Whos to guilt me into giving stuff back and making my heart grow 3 sizes - a serious medical condition known as cardiomegaly, by the way, which claims lives each year, yet more evidence that the Whos are insidious - I won't be giving anything back.  Anything I take will be mine forever.  Eventually I will have some peace and quiet.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Dorito Taco

News has just reached me that Doritos and Taco Bell have joined forces to create the healthiest food in North America:  the taco made out of a Dorito taco shell.  Taco Bell had to tone down the spices it usually puts in it's "beef" for this concoction, presumably to prevent any flavor attacks or flavor overdoses.  Still, I don't see any way this could go wrong, other than orange fingers, heart disease, obesity, etc.  You know, the usual. 

Were there a Taco Bell within walking distance of my office, I would have tried one of these already.  Circumstances as they are, however, you will have to wait until an unspecified later date for a full report.  If anyone has already tried one of these, or if any Taco Bell employees happen to read this and are willing to offer me a free one in return for a full review for an audience of at least 4 people, contact me immediately.  That said, I may have to hit up Taco Bellevue on the way home tonight.

Happy Hanukkah

Today marks the official start of Hanukkah, so happy Hanukkah to any and all Jewish friends out there.  In an attempt to learn more about the holiday, I recently watched The Hebrew Hammer.  Adam Goldberg stars as an orthodox Jewish hero nicknamed the Hebrew Hammer who is on a mission to save Hanukkah after Damian Claus (son of Santa) vows to eradicate the holiday after murdering his father and seizing control of Christmas.  Unfortunately I didn't learn much about Hanukkah from this movie, but I did learn a lot about what makes a movie bad.  After sitting through the whole mess, I decided to go to Wikipedia instead, hopefully the entry there is accurate. 

Monday, December 12, 2011

Quote of the Day

"It's [Christmas] a poor excuse to pick a man's pocket every 25th of December." - Ebenezer Scrooge

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Conan The Barbarian

The original Conan the Barbarian was a masterpiece.  Since remakes of classics are typically sketchy at best, I approached this remake with trepidation.  The horrible reviews and bad trailers only added to the concern and lowered expectations.  As it turns out, my expectations were not low enough, Conan was absolutely abysmal in every way. 

I didn't expect or even want a scene for scene remake, but the only things this disaster had in common with the original are a character named Conan whose parents were killed by marauders and leaving him to spend his life in pursuit of vengeance.  Apart from that, the remake is completely unrecognizable from the original. As a matter of fact, that's pretty much the only plot involved.  All plot development could have been squeezed into less than 10 minutes.  The movie consisted of 2 minutes of plot followed by 20 minutes of boring and pointless action, repeated for 2 hours. 

How can action scenes be boring?  No character development.  If you don't know and/or don't care who the characters are, you really don't care who they are fighting or why.  For example, in one scene a sorceress casts a spell causing 'dirt people' to rise up from the sand and attack Conan.  They all looked exactly the same, and when one would get killed, it would dissolve back into sand and another would rise to replace it.  It didn't take long before I started wondering, "how many of these things does he have to kill before we can get back to the story?"  The answer is:  way too many. 

The endless waves of disposable characters who look the same and you know nothing about is endemic of the lack of character development.  Conan is the only character I can name.  All we ever learn about him is that his parents, along with everyone in his village, were killed and he is seeking revenge.  They were killed by some guy, probably meant to look scary but he's not, who had a magic mask with which he plans to take over the world.  Among his minions is his daughter, a sorceress who is given a laughable hair style and costumes and covered in tattoos, also most likely in a failed attempt to make her look scary.  Her persistent posturing and scowling results in her coming across more as an emo/goth teen though.  There's another big, scary villain played by Bob Sapp, former University of Washington offensive lineman (and Bear and Viking) turned pro wrestler turned mixed martial artist.  He was the best part of the movie despite the fact that I know nothing about his character. Rounding out the characters in descending order of memorability are the damsel in distress turned love interest, the villain who had his nose cut off by Conan, and the thief.  None of them with any back story, name, or any other information about them.

With a large budget, you'd expect at least quality special effects and costumes, but again you'd be disappointed.  As previously mentioned, the costumes that were meant to make guys look intimidating instead made them look ridiculous.  The special effects are passable, but not what you'd expect from a big budget movie.  Some of the scenery and monsters looked good, but others looked obviously fake. In all, the result is worse than an episode of Hercules or Xena Warrior Princess.  The acting and script in this mess weren't even up to par.  So if you're a Conan fan and hoping that the reviews are mistaken and you can re-capture some of the magic of the original, give up hope.  Conan The Barbarian is one of the worst movies I've ever seen.


Friday I got home at a reasonable hour but wasn't in the mood to spend a lot of time in the kitchen so I decided to whip up something quick & easy: pizza. I started with Flat-Out™ flat bread, covered it with olive oil instead of tomato sauce, then added colby/jack cheese since I don't have any mozzarella. To complete the masterpiece, I threw on pepperoni, bacon bits, onions and olives. Then sprinkled parmesan over the works and threw it in the oven. Turned out great. 

Thursday, December 08, 2011


Again I got home late and didn't have time to cook. As soon as I got home I headed to Costco which, for the record, was the least crowded I've ever seen it. I walked right up to a cashier without waiting in line. It was awesome. At least until I got back to the parking lot where idiots were still plentiful. Lazy people were still stopped waiting for a parking spot even though parking was plentiful. One woman was blocking the parking lot and cars were backed up to the street when someone finally drove around her. This prompted the woman in the minivan to start honking lime crazy, floor it up to where the guy parked one aisle away and gave him the finger and started yelling. What is the matter with people? From there it was straight to the dojo for a work out. Long story short, I didn't get home until 9:30 and at that point I just cheated and ate the Caesar salad I got at Costco. The only addition I made was slivered almonds.

Wednesday, December 07, 2011


Monday & Tuesday nights I got home late and didn't have time to cook and just reheated leftover pulled pork for fajitas again. It's all gone now though so I was forced to cook up a little stir fry. Some chicken, carrots, peas, and broccoli simmered in hot chili oil and eventually drown in general Tso's sauce. I wish I had some chow mein noodles to throw on top, but alas I have none. Also no egg rolls or gyoza on the side, but maybe next time after I've done some shopping. For now this will have to do.

Sunday, December 04, 2011

Volume II: What Else Goes In Me

Tonight I just finished eating some baked chicken breast.  I added broccoli, cauliflower, and garlic cloves before baking.  I sprayed the whole works with a mist of olive oil, then added seasoning salt which, according to the label, is comprised of sea salt, pepper, garlic, onion, carrot, chives, and chili powder.  It tasted wonderful.

Breakfast Salad

I've been considering this for a while now, and with various lunch foods making in roads to the breakfast menu, I've got one more that I think should make the transition.  The breakfast salad.  Burritos and sandwiches have become mainstays of the breakfast menu despite having no business being eaten before noon, so why not the salad too?  The way I see it, there will be a base of lettuce, topped by scrambled eggs, a little bacon or sausage, croutons (since they are essentially toast), and topped with a little gravy.  I'm a little iffy on using gravy instead of salad dressing, but if gravy is acceptable for other breakfast foods (grits 'n gravy, biscuits 'n gravy, on top of chicken fried steak), then it seems a more logical choice than ranch dressing or raspberry vinaigrette. 

In order to provide full disclosure, I'll admit that I have yet to try such a concoction, it's only in the theoretical phase of development at this point.  One day soon, however, I expect to see it on restaurant menus as a healthier breakfast alternative to a breakfast burrito.

Saturday, December 03, 2011

What Goes In Me

In what is currently planned as a week long series, I will document what I eat for dinner each day. Why, you ask? Because I'm bored and no longer have anything else worthwhile to share. Also because you are what you eat and some may wonder what exactly makes me so great. Oh, and also to dispel the myth that my mother seems to gave that all I eat are frozen pizza, microwavable burritos, hot pockets, ramen noodles, etc.

On the menu today are fajitas. Made from pulled pork with some onions & bell peppers sauteed in hot chili oil to make them a little spicy. Some shredded cheese is thrown on top before the whole thing is wrapped up in a low carb tortilla. Delicious.

Thursday, December 01, 2011

My Dream

Listening to Rich Eisen talk about the 500+ roster moves that Pete Carroll and John Schneider have made for the Seahawks since they took over less than 2 years ago (and the 40-50 more that he estimates it will take to make the Seahawks good) reminds me of a dream of mine that was born less than 2 years ago. I want to be signed and released by the Seahawks. I don't have to play, or even practice with the team. It doesn't need to be during the season. I don't even need to get paid for my time with the team. And there are no other caveats or contract demands from me, although I would enjoy getting to meet Walter Thurmond. I just want to be able to say I was a Seahawk. If. Anyone has some connections within the Seahawks organization who can make this happen, let me know. And if coach Carroll or GM Schneider happen to stumble upon this, how about it guys?  I'll make you proud.