Tuesday, October 27, 2009

The Scary Door

I've been watching old episodes of the Twilight Zone recently and it makes me appreciate all the more these episodes of The Scary Door. They set you up and then immediately hit you with the twist. It's like the Twilight Zone for people with ADD. Brilliant.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Urban Clown

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the urban clown. After years of seeing increasingly ridiculous "gangsta" fashion, it recently hit me, these guys look like clowns. Dressed in way oversized clothes that are more garish that would be tolerated by even the most flamboyant of homosexuals, crooked hats, and ugly jewelry, these posers are the urban equivalent of circus clowns. Unfortunately for the urban clown, he is categorized as unintentionally humorous and typically doesn't realize he is a joke.

There are other subtle differences between the two: for example, while circus clowns favor spotted and striped patterns, often wearing clothes with the appearance of being made from a Twister board, the urban clown eschews these traditional styles in favor of inane slogans emblazoned on every available inch of stitching with silver or gold goth font. One of the trademarks of the circus clown is the oversized red nose, while the urban clown opts for gold teeth, or "grills" in the parlance of our time. The circus clown can typically be seen strutting in oversized, floppy shoes while the urban clown is typically seen in oversized, untied sneakers. The circus clown holds up his oversized pants with colorful suspenders, but the urban clown prefers to hold up his ill fitting pants with one hand - leading to the unfortunate side effect of only having one remaining hand free with which to 'backhand his bitches' or aim is 'gat'. The circus clown is topped with an unkempt red wig, while the urban clown prefers to adorn his poorly maintained coiffure with a baseball cap covered in stickers or tags, meticulously balanced crookedly to maintain the appearance of having a learning disability, more similar to noted baseball clown Max Patkin than your traditional circus clown. Finally, the transportation of choice for the circus clown is a small car packed with as many other clowns as possible, while the urban clown is more likely to be seen in a SUV plated with as much chrome as the clown could afford and riding on the biggest wheels that could by purchased.

So the next time you see an urban clown, after you stop laughing, be sure to thank them for bringing laughter to the world by carrying on the proud clown tradition - the lastest incarnation in a tradition dating back to the court jesters of medievel times. Thanks to them, the world will never be without fools.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Halloween Fun

With Halloween rapidly approaching, internet holiday entertainment is getting increasingly frequent. Entertainment like the greatest Halloween costume ever. Normally I'm not in favor of adults wearing costumes and think it should result in merciless ridicule, but in rare cases such as this I'll let it slide. In case you're a loser and unfamiliar with the show Futurama, the character on the left is Bender Bending Rodriguez.

If, like me, you've ever wondered how various famous movie characters would fare against a zombie attack, wonder no more. Would John McClane (of Die Hard) live to say yippie kay aye Mr. Zombie? Would Harry Potter find some arcane item hidden in Hogwarts created in case of zombie attack? Would the cast of Dirty Dancing have the time of their lives with said zombies? Answers to all these and more now exist.

Finally in more of a sad story, a Los Angeles man committed suicide by shooting himself on his condo balcony but no one called the police for several days thinking his body was a Halloween display.

Since my wrist is killing me today for reasons unknown, I'm going to keep my typing to a minimum. Hopefully it's not broken.

Friday, October 16, 2009

The Shining

Today I present to you a conspiracy theory so crazy that it would even make Shelvis proud. According to this nutbag, the film The Shining was a very symbolic confession that Stanley Kubrick faked the Apollo moon landings. How can anyone argue with evidence such as:

"Symbolically the Bears seen through the film are also the representation of the
pressure that the Russians put on the USA to get to the Moon. They had to fake
the moon landings and cover up the real truth behind the flying saucer craft and
machinery that the US government actually has created and employed since World
War Two."


"It is important to note that the room in question was numbered 217 in the
Stephen King version of The Shining. For unknown reason's Kubrick changed it to

Danny is literally carrying a symbolic Apollo 11, on his body, via
the sweater, to the Moon as he walks over to room 237. Why do I think

Because the average distance from the Earth to the Moon is 237,000

After reading through this, I feel compelled to join the Legion of Madfellows. The moment I get home this evening, I plan on fashioning a hat of the highest quality tin foil money can by and will throw out all of my fluoridated toothpaste because it doesn't whiten your teeth, it makes them visible to spy satellites. You gotta love a quality conspiracy theory. Good times.

Question of the Day

If you could be bitten by a radioactive animal of your choice and granted super powers, what animal would you choose? Would it be a radioactive bear, giving you the power to sleep for months at a time? A radioactive cat, giving you the power to see well at night and steal people's souls while they sleep? A radioactive kangaroo with the powers to jump really well and have built in pockets? A radioactive wooly mammoth with the powers to stay warm in the winter and go extinct? Maybe even a radioactive butterfly with the powers to fly and be fashionable?Those are just a few ideas to get you started.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Death Pumpkin

This is the coolest pumpkin ever. It must have been a challenge finding a pumpkin so close to spherical to pull this off, but it turned out great. There are several other cool jack 0 lanterns here. If I had any artistic talent at all I'd attempt an ambitious pumpkin myself, but as luck would have it my talents are limited to say the least. By the time I'm done with it, it will be a miracle if anyone can tell what my pumpkin is supposed to be.

Moving on, this article scared the hell out of me just in time for Halloween. Apparently First Premier Bank is issuing credit cards with a 79.9% interest rate. That is not a typo. Apparently the bank is based out of South Dakota where according to their legislative web site there is "no maximum or usury restriction." That is outrageous and I hope that the SD legislature puts an end to that ASAP. So if you have a First Premier card, make sure to cancel it today and get a card elsewhere. And as always, make sure to check your interest rates on your cards regularly. This sort of thing shouldn't be legal.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Introducing The Craw Fu Aggro Prize

With all of the hoo ha recently regarding President Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize (a prize which officially lost all credibility when awarded to Yasser Arafat), it is time for the debut of the Craw Fu Aggro Prize. This will be awarded annually to the individual with the greatest public meltdown. This year's front runner is currently Kanye West for his inability to exercise any self control during an awards ceremony. Losing all capacity for rational thought and making an ass of himself in front of a national audience over a perceived slight not even directed at him is what this award is all about. There is still time for someone else to step up to the plate and claim this prize though.

Past winners, had the prize existed in the past, would have included:

Sam Wyche for his stirring, "you don't live in Cleveland, you live in Cincinnati" speech in front of a sold out crowd.

Jim Mora Sr for his touching, "we couldn't do diddly poo offensively" speech at a post game press conference. Also award worthy were his, "Playoffs? Playoffs? Don't talk to me about the playoffs" rant and the ever popular, "You don't know. You just don't know. And you never will." I'm still hoping the apple didn't fall too far from the tree with Jim Mora Jr.

Lou Piniella has been recognized with a lifetime achievement award for continued commitment to blowing off steam. Whether it's going nose to nose with an ump while spittle flies from his mouth, kicking his hat around the bases, picking up and hurling a base, or simply kicking dirt, Lou has been an inspiration to all of us.

Increase Your Salary

According to a new, completely unbiased study by the American Mustache Institute, men sporting staches earn 8.2% more than their bearded and clean shaven counterparts. Since it is commonly believed that mustachioed men are limited to careers in adult film or law enforcement (or both), I can only conclude from this study that these professions are very lucrative. Based on my own personal research, the only conclusion I've been able to reach is that a goatee and 4 days of stubble won't net you any large paychecks.

Sadly for me, the few minutes of experience I have had with a stache resulted in considerably lower self esteem. It looked so bad I couldn't shave it off fast enough. In the interest of striking it rich, however, I am now considering a stylish Fu Manchu, or Craw Fu Manchu if you will. I know I will.

Unfortunately for you ladies, the stache effect doesn't extend to your gender.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Potato Bomb

This evening I got a nice little surprise as I was making dinner. I threw a couple potatoes in the oven and apparently didn't poke enough holes in them because one of them exploded when I stuck a fork in it to extract it from the oven. It wasn't just a small pop, it actually coated a good portion of my oven with tater goodness. I even have a witness who heard it from the living room. I've heard that such a thing can happen but had never witnessed it first hand. Luckily I didn't get any on me because I didn't want to have to explain 3rd degree potato burns to the emergency room staff.

Anyway, I'm still coming down from my weekend football high. That Husky game was the most unbelievable, unlikely come back I think I have ever seen. I guess the football universe has somewhat evened itself out since they should have beaten Notre Dame last week but should have lost this Arizona game. Dear God I hope the Cougs exact some vengeance for the state of Washington when they play ND on Halloween.

And today I was expecting a hard fought defensive showdown with the Jags. I didn't see this lopsided blowout coming at all. I can't believe we had 3 centers and a tackle I've never heard of playing in this game and still managed to keep Hasselbeck upright. Even more amazing than that, however, was the play of the defense. Lawrence Jackson is finally starting to look like he deserved to be picked in the first round. Hopefully this will help get the nickname I gave him catch on - Lo Jack - feel free to use that around the office or with your friends. It sounds good in your ear and when you say it you shouldn't fear because this nickname can be said by anyone. I went off in my own little universe for a minute there and forgot what else I was going to say, so I'll finish by saying how much it did my heart good to see Nick Reed running down the field like a madman and scoring me a free haircut. I'm now promoting myself to president of the Nick Reed fan club, not just a member. It's time he got his own nickname. I don't have anything at the moment but I'll keep you posted.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

The Story of Anvil

I watched The Story of Anvil last night - a documentary about Anvil, a pioneering, well respected band in the heavy metal community that began in the 80's but never achieved success. The documentary takes place in 2007 with the aging musicians (now in their 50's) still desperately hoping for stardom. I didn't really know what to expect from this, although after rave reviews I expected a lot. I ended up feeling very bad for the band members seeing them struggle on a poorly planned European tour, struggled to come up with the money to get their 13th album professionally produced and fought during the recording, and struggled trying to find a record company to distribute their album. It was just sad to see them continually beaten down.

Despite that it was still a pretty interesting movie. It shows you the side of the music industry that most bands live through - fighting with club owners over money, trying to promote your album on your own, playing in front of small crowds. For the bands that don't make it big, this is what you have to look forward to. But it's those bands that do it because they love the music and they love entertaining. Seeing Anvil enjoying playing in front of about a dozen people in a bar and still smiling because that's what they love to do was the bright spot of the movie for me. Overall I have to say this was a pretty good film, if not a feel good film.

Cups and Cakes

Cups and cakes
Cups and cakes
I'm so full my tummy aches
How sad it must end
But I'm glad I've a friend
Sharing cups and cakes with me

That's right, it's cupcake day at work. Our new Liberty Mutual overlords love us so much. I just hope that one day they will implement nap time and story time as well. And who knows how long it will be before I get that song out of my head.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Worst Cars of the Decade

There really aren't many good reasons to put out a list like the 10 worst cars of the decade except to get attention or stir up controversy, so since I don't get enough attention, I'm forwarding it on. Such lists are highly subjective, but I whole heartedly agree with several of these. At #10, the Pontiac Aztek is pretty lucky to be so low on the list. Not only is it one of the ugliest vehicles I've ever seen, but they couldn't even spell the name correctly. That's how GM nearly went under.

The only other car on the list worth commenting on in my opinion is #1: The Smart Car. This shoebox on wheels is so impractical I can't believe they have sold any. It gets worse mileage than a lot of other cars on the market, is a high roll over risk, is a death trap if it is in an accident with a full size car or larger, has no storage space so you need another car to go to the grocery store, and only seats two so if you have a family it's useless. It is a completely impractical car and the only thing it really has going for it is that it's easy to find parking.

My biggest disappointment, however, is that the Honda Element didn't make the list. That is one of the ugliest cars I've ever seen. And I've seen a Pinto.

Sunday, October 04, 2009

The Midnight Meat Train

I just found out that there's a movie titled The Midnight Meat Train and oddly enough it's not an adult film. Apparently it's a horror movie of some kind and actually got good reviews, but I still have no plans to see it. The title is just a little to risque for me.

But that's just the intro story. What I really want to talk about is A Haunting In Connecticut. It arrived courtesy of Netflix a couple days ago and I just started watching it and have been treated to a cruel surprise. Apparently one small word makes a huge difference because I thought I was getting the 2009 film THE Haunting In Connecticut. It turns out this is a 2002 Discovery Channel docudrama - like an episode of Unsolved Mysteries - replete with terrible acting, narration, and voice overs from the "real" people involved in the events. I'm only half an hour into it but I'm already disappointed. I feel like one of those tools who rents the special features disc instead of the actual movie and then writes a review crying about the injustice. I'm not going to write one of those reviews. I will man up and admit that I'm the idiot who didn't make sure I knew what I was getting before putting it in my queue.

Anyway, I think I'm going to start working on a script for my own ghost story. Instead of the typical scary happenings though, the twist will be that the ghost are very happy and well adjusted. They make dinner for the people who live in the haunted house and put on little skits, complete with period costumes. They also do all the housekeeping and landscaping. The residents of the house will eventually escape and write a book about it but nobody will believe them.

Since this "movie" is failing to keep me entertained, I'll throw out several brief movie reviews of films I've seen recently.

Sugar: Miguel "Sugar" Santos is a young pitcher in the Dominican Republic who has dreamed of playing baseball in the United States for most of his life. He finally signs a minor league contract with the A affiliate of the fictional Kansas City Knights in Iowa. Experiencing culture shock and feeling very isolated, he begins struggling. Without giving away too much of this movie, let me just say that the last third of the movie was inexplicable and hard to believe. I thought the ending was all wrong and was pretty disappointed. The one thing I found interesting, that I don't think was intended, was seeing Sugar struggle with isolation, I couldn't help thinking that with electronics being ubiquitous in this country, the movie was almost making the point that the youth of America are all isolated to some extent - that there is no more sense of community or family in this country anymore.

The Quiet Duel is a Kurosawa film about a surgeon who contracts syphilis from one of his patients during World War II and struggles - mostly alone - with this disease that apparently was incurable at the time. He breaks off his engagement from the woman he loves and has been waiting for him for several years. It's a good look into the Japanese ideal of stoicism. Not one of Kurosawa's best films, but still good.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Not nearly as bad as I'd expected based on the reviews I'd seen, but it still felt empty. Having never read any of the comic books, I felt lost a lot of the time, not knowing who most of the characters were. For a film that is supposed to tell the back story of Wolverine, I had more questions about his origins after watching than I did before. If you're in the mood for a big budget special effects spectacular though, it fits the bill nicely.

Swing Vote is one of the worst movies I've seen in quite a while. Not a single character is believable - they are all caricatures. Even if you buy into the concept of the presidential election being decided by one person's damaged ballot needing to be recast, it's hard to sit through a movie whose protagonist is a drunken, stupid man who neglects his daughter. Plus it employs one of my personal pet peeves that seem to be coming more common of late: a child who is way more intelligent and socially conscious than is believable. I don't call this the Lisa Simpson effect, but I think I might start. I don't find a little know it all to be cute, I find it pretty annoying. The one thing it had going for it was Paula Patton. She looked positively breath taking.

Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog: I'm not even sure where to begin with this one. Neil Patrick Harris (of Doogie Howser fame) plays Dr. Horrible - a hapless supervillain trying to gain entrance into the Evil League of Evil, led by Bad Horse - the thoroughbred of sin. In this musical, Dr. Horrible has a video blog on which he discusses his innermost thoughts and fears as well as recounting his exploits. Nathan Fillion steals the show though as the Dr. Horrible's nemesis: Captain Hammer. He is absolutely hilarious. While this was easily one of the strangest movies I've ever seen, it was really pretty entertaining. I've never been a fan of musicals, but the songs weren't too bad for the most part. At 43 minutes, it moves along at a brisk pace and never gets dull. The dialogue is clever, and it is just a funny movie. The best part is that you can watch it in it's entirety online here.

Friday, October 02, 2009

Is There Something Wrong With Me?

For some reason, whenever I'm eating any candy that comes in different colors - Skittles, M&M's, Sweet Tarts, etc. - I feel compelled to separate them out by color before eating them. Even with candy like M&M's where the flavor is the same regardless of the color. Am I turning into Adrian Monk? Do I need to seek professional help before it develops into a full blown OCD? Should I just stop eating candy all together because I'm a fat ass?

In other news, please disregard the notes. No, I don't mind putting my candy on hand written notes and getting ink all over it, that's just extra flavor.

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Who The Hell Is Lady Gaga?

I suspect I don't really want to know the answer to this one, but I keep seeing pictures floating around the internet of someone who goes by the title Lady Gaga. Pictures like this one.

lady gaga totally looks like slim jim

Based on what I've seen of her, and by that I mean more pictures like this of her, if it really is a her, in bizarre costumes, that she is some talentless hack who has managed to carve out a small niche for herself by going out in public looking like a clown or a freak. Is there any more to it than that? Does she even attempt some sort of entertainment or public service, or is her only discernible talent looking strange? And yes, I do realize that in this day and age, through the magic of google I could quickly get to the bottom of this mystery myself but I'm beginning to think I don't really want to know - that searching information on her will only uncover facts and images that I can't unlearn or unsee. I think I'm far safer within the familiar confines of ignorance and assumption.