Monday, August 25, 2008

HD Madness

Sunday afternoon I made the mistake of stopping by Fry's. It turned out that they were having an HD DVD blowout sale. Everything must go. They had an Xbox 360 HD DVD player for only $40. Too bad I already have one. Most of the movies were $11.99 and I was unable to resist purchasing several. I even picked up a copy of 300 since it was only $10 and I don't even like that movie. I'm watching it now and I'm torn between joy at how good it looks, laughing at how ridiculous at times, and rolling my eyes at the blatant homo-eroticism. But even though it's history as told by the WWF (come to think of it, I guess they are the WWE now), it still looks amazing. I was also unable to resist $40 for the unbelievable Planet Earth. $10 for Transformers, $12 for Letters From Iwo Jima, and $12 for Blood Diamond and I was finally able to pull myself away.

Movies in hand, I got home to find a 65" 1080p LCD tv on woot for only $2300. It took every ounce of willpower I could muster to not order one of those. Luckily for my bank account, the danger has past and they are all gone. But I'm still convinced that forces are conspiring against me to empty my wallet with every HD deal on the planet. I'm only a man, I can only resist so much.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Useless Trivia

Where did the term 'upset' originate when referring to an underdog defeating a heavily favored opponent?

Quote of the Day

After seeing Yuniesky Bettencourt walk for the second time tonight - yes, the same Yuniesky Bettencourt who rarely sees more than 4 pitches a night, let alone in an at bat - the manager walked out to the mound to have a talk with the offending pitcher Huston Street. Without missing a beat, Dave Niehaus said, "You know what he's telling him right now? He's saying 'do you know who you just walked?'" Zing! And that, my friends, is why Dave is in the hall of fame.

This narrowly beat out my own personal one liner of the night, not just because he's a hall of fame broadcaster, but also because far more people got to hear his line. During the exciting Mariner game, we switched one of the tvs over to the Olympics and were watching the women's 4x400 relay. I believe it was the third leg of the relay when the US runner grabbed the baton and started pulling away from the rest of the field. Somebody said something along the lines of 'look at her go' or 'she's really pulling away' or something to that effect, I don't really remember because that's not the important part of the story. I immediately looked into my bag of tricks and pulled out, "she's running like I just asked her out on a date." Sadly only one person heard that and my efforts were only rewarded with one laugh. But I'll take it. All too often my best one liners are for my amusement alone.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Scooter With A Side-Car

I thought it was weird the first time I saw a scooter with a side car, so the second time I saw one I had to capture it's image for posterity. They are so underpowered as is that I have to imaging that with someone in the side car, it would have a top speed of about 20 mph, unless of course you were going down hill and then you could probably touch 40, depending on how heavy your passenger was. That being said, it does make the scooter significantly more utilitarian. You can actually buy groceries if you have the side car. I would have liked it more if flames were painted on the side though.

That's my request for you Mr. Molitor. Get a side car and paint some flames on the side. Or lightening bolts would be acceptable as well. If I see you cruising with Hello Kitty stickers on it though, I will chase you down and beat you up.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

In Your Face Oregon

In a National Geographic article on the 50 best places to live: great adventure towns, Seattle edged out Coos Bay, OR for the top spot. I didn't read the criteria, but obviously they don't take traffic into account. Or 65 degree rainy days in August. And as if that weren't enough, Leavenworth and Bellingham made the list too. I don't know who comes up with these lists, but one thing is certain: people from other parts of the world love Seattle.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Movie Reviews

Today and today only, movie reviews are on a buy one get one free special. First up is the vampire horror flick 30 Days of Night. The premise is interesting, vampires invade the city of Barrow, Alaska - the northernmost city in the United States - where in the winter time it is dark for 30 consecutive days. Like many movies with an interesting premise, however, that's where the interest ends. The only thing keeping this movie from being a total disaster was ... nothing. It was a total disaster. Didn't see that coming, did you!

I will never understand the Hollywood tradition of characters in horror movies being tragically stupid. The entire film has you thinking, "don't do that you idiot" only to have them do exactly what they shouldn't. I really don't think I can tolerate that at all anymore. But at least the vampires are cool, right? Sadly, no. The head vampire is a mouth breather who spends the entire film with a look of confusion on his face. And he speaks some presumably ancient vampire dialect that sounds like it could be Inuit or some other native language despite the fact that he's exceptionally pale. The rest of the vampires are unable to speak and only shriek in what sounds like velociraptor sound effects. They have the appearance of some emo kids with fake teeth and some facial applications to make them look slightly deformed. And not only do they rip off the Jurassic Park sound effects, they also seem to be doing their best to model their movements after raptors as well. Well, a combination of raptors and runway models posing and mugging for the camera anyway. Scary? Hardly.

One thing that really bothered me, probably more than it should have, is that though they were in the arctic circle in the dead of winter, all the characters spent extended periods of time outdoors with nothing covering their faces, and often no gloves, and yet none of them got frostbite and rarely did they even shiver. It's the kind of little detail that I just seem to be unable to get past as a viewer - almost as bad as somebody leaving the refrigerator door open and all I miss several minutes of the plot obsessing over why they won't close the damn door. But forcing myself past that, I'll wrap things up by saying that the script and story were terrible. Josh Hartnett was the only actor I'd heard of, although I recognized one actor as Sgt Gordon's corrupt partner from Batman Begins. And with the exception of Hartnett, the acting was bad. Just all around a very bad movie that I can't really think of anything good to say about. It was even worse than the regrettable Lost Boys 2.

I'll try and purge that movie from my memory by talking about the decent film Merry Christmas or Joyeux Noel if you prefer the original French title. It is based on the true story of the Christmas Truce during World War I. In 1914, the French, Scottish, and German troops ceased hostilities, came out of the trenches and shared meals, sang carols, played soccer, exchanged contact information in case they lived through the war, and held impromptu church services.

I don't know too much of the history of the truce, so I don't know how accurate the film is. I do know that the story was well written and had both heart wrenching moments and heart warming moments. It reminded you that despite wars and hatred filling the world, people are still capable of civility toward each other. It really was uplifting. And if you're worried about it being a foreign film, worry not. Each group speaks their native language. The Germans speak German, the French speak French, and the Scottish speak Scottish which is similar enough to English that you should be able to understand most of it with little difficulty.

A New Hope

I set out to avoid any puns involving Hope Solo's name, but ultimately was unable to resist. I'm just proud of myself for keeping it subtle and combining the hope and Han Solo references into one convenient package. Anyhow, the point is that I think I've now found the woman of my dreams. Look at those beautiful eyes. And also, it was difficult to find a picture showing those elegant hands. Most of the pictures of her she is wearing her giant goal keeper gloves - they look kind of like the oversized Mickey Mouse gloves.

But I digress. Not only is she exceptionally beautiful and a world class athlete, she is from Seattle! That means that in the unlikely event that I bump into her somewhere around town, I can get rejected in person.

I played a little goal keeper myself growing up. I don't know how Hope got roped into it, but if she's anything like me, what happened was that the regular goalie got hurt, I volunteered to fill in because I wanted to try something new, and then it turned out I was pretty good at it and even though I didn't want to play goalie any more, I couldn't get out of it. Whatever the circumstances, she's way better than I ever was and is capable of easily blocking any attempt of mine to score.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

The Hits Just Keep Coming

For those of you who claimed I was too harsh when referring to the dog cloning woman as "creepy", she just keeps getting creepier the more I hear about her. First off, Mel brought it to my attention that this is the same woman who 31 years ago, kidnapped a Mormon missionary in England, handcuffed him to a bed, and kept him in bondage as a sex slave. Even more disturbing is that her reaction to this is disappointment that people choose to focus on "garbage of the past" than the uplifting story of her dog cloning. "I think I gave people too much credit," she said. I think she is delusional if she really thought people would just overlook something like that.

In a 1977 court hearing, McKinney said she had fallen in love with the man in
Utah and followed him to the UK. "I loved him so much," she told a judge, "that
I would ski naked down Mount Everest in the nude with a carnation up my nose if
he asked me to."


But it turns out the story doesn't end there. It has also come out that this same woman is suspected of plotting a burglary in order to procure funds for a prosthetic leg for a horse. I had given her the creepy label just based upon the initial irrational behavior I had heard about and the truly disturbing photos I've seen of her. I still have great difficulty seeing pictures of her without experiencing feelings of great unease. I think at this point that it is just a matter of time until she is placed in an institution, at this point I'm not sure whether to say penal or mental, at which point the question of what will become of her dogs will come into play. It would be rather ironic if the dogs ended up being put to sleep. There may be some difficulty finding a home for them.

I will leave you with the following excerpt:

David Crockett, Miss McKinney's lawyer in the Tennessee
case, described Miss McKinney, who lived in North Carolina at the time, as
"a rather bizarre character, and seems to have a strange circumstance
now."

"She is bold to put herself on worldwide television," he said. "She
must know she's a fugitive in at least one state."

He recalled she had two or three dogs in her car when she met him to
speak about her case. "There was a strong aroma about her, and I told her this
needed to be taken care of before I went to court with her."


Let me just say that I am amused by her hiring Davey Crockett, in the state of Tennessee no less, where according to the song the historical Davey Crockett was born in the woods. I am also curious as to precisely what aroma she had. I would assume alcohol, but with the twists and turns this story has already taken, I can't assume anything at this point. Finally, Davey must not be a very good attorney if he is going to the press with damaging information about his own client, unless perhaps he is working on an insanity plea.

Bigfoot Update

Well, the big day came and went without much notice, but the guys who claim to have found a bigfoot carcass are still sticking by their story. This despite some unconvincing pictures and DNA test results of three samples sent to the University of Minnesota which came back stating that one was human, one was possum and the third could not be tested because of technical reasons. From there, the press conference took a turn for the worse. Not only did not reputable scientists show up, but outside the hotel, Palo Alto Paul Gregg waved a sign encouraging motorists to honk for Bigfoot. He was joined by a man in a Chewbacca costume holding a sign reading "we hide for a reason."

This doesn't come as much of a surprise, but I had hoped that with some physical evidence, they were at least going to be a little more serious. Since they wont seem to open it up to scientific scrutiny, however, it seems highly dubious, and if the press conference is any indication, the situation has quickly turned into a joke. I had really hoped for a more elaborate hoax, so I'm more than a little disappointed. I guess I'll have to focus my attention on the recent chupacabra sightings down in Texas (not to be confused with el chupanibre). I wonder if those would make good pets.

Auspicious Events

Well, technically, it's still an hour and a half early to be posting this, but I'm too efficient to wait until tomorrow.

On this day (August 18):
1227 - The Mongol emperor Ghengis Khan died.
1868 - French astronomer Pierre Jules C├ęsar Janssen discovers helium. (Where would we be without helium?)
1920 - Nineteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution ratified, guaranteeing women's suffrage. (Isn't it time we ended the suffering?)
1962 - Ringo Starr made his first appearance as a Beatle at a Cavern Club show.
1969 - Jimi Hendrix plays the unofficial last day of Woodstock.
1977 - The Police play their first gig.
1977 - Funeral services for Elvis Presley were held at Graceland.
1982 - The longest baseball game played at Wrigley Field in Chicago, IL, went 21 innings before the Los Angeles Dodgers defeated the Cubs 2-1.

Born on this day:
1750 - Antonio Salieri (composer purported to have killed Mozart according to the movie Amadeus)
1774 - Meriwether Lewis
1904 - Max Factor (not to be confused with Max Power)
1917 - Caspar Weinberger
1933 - Roman Polanski
1934 - Roberto Clemente
1936 - Robert Redford
1956 - Jon "Bermuda" Schwartz (drummer for Weird Al's band)
1969 - Ed Norton
1969 - Christian Slater
1972 - Scott Crawford (founder of the Craw Fu martial art style)
1980 - Jeremy Shockey
1992 - Frances Bean Cobain

Other items of interest:
3 popes have died on this day (Adrian V, Alexander VI, and Paul IV)
It is International Lighthouse Day and Long Tan Day (also called Vietnam Veterans' Day) in Australia.
The History Channel has this lovely video in my honor.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Domino's Scientists At Work Again

According to The Onion News Network, scientists working hard at Domino's Pizza labs have been testing the limits of what humans are willing to eat. The surprising findings showed that not only would people eat whatever revolting concoctions they could assemble in the shape of a pizza, most would even pay for it.



But as funny as that is, it pales in comparison to this story about Barack Obama's hillbilly half-brother Cooter.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Darth Samurai

Completing today's trilogy of cool is perhaps the coolest thing I've ever seen. Darth Vader Samurai armor. Unfortunately it only comes in 1/4 scale and is only available in Japan. Oh, and yes it will set you back a pretty penny, but I would loooove to have one of those in my living room. If they made a full size version, that would be the greatest Halloween costume ever. You wouldn't even need to go door to door, just walk the streets as children threw their candy at you and ran in fear.

One More Reason

....that Bruce Campbell is the king. I have to run out and buy some Old Spice right now after seeing this. Bruce is my hero. He is the epitome of cool.

Awesome Vans

Whatever happened to the good old days when people had sweet vans with a wizard airbrushed on the side, or maybe a viking, or even a scantily clad woman? Who wouldn't want a shaggin' wagon with an interior covered in shag carpeting? Maybe lit by blacklight. Some porthole windows, or maybe even diamond or heart shaped windows. You would be the envy of everyone, cruising in style in your awesome van. It doesn't matter where you are, you can stop anywhere and sleep, or not sleep if you're lucky. It just doesn't get any better than that. And so it is that I lament the disappearance of the most stylish vehicles on the road. As soon as somebody comes out with one that runs on biodiesel, I'm going to run right out and pick one up as soon as I can.

And I still don't know what it is that causes my text formatting to go all to hell sometimes when I have multiple pictures, but I don't have the time or inclination to find a way to fix it tonight. Also, if you can't tell, the van below has a sweet picture of Darth Vader and the Death Star on it. There is a better picture of it here, but I'm not going to try to add it lest I really wreak havoc on my formatting. And why is the spell checker telling me that biodiesel and diamond are misspelled? This thing really doesn't impress me at times.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Bigfoot?

Is this a bigfoot carcass as claimed, or is it yet another hoax. Naturally I'm leaning toward hoax until definitive proof can show otherwise, but I will hand it to the guys involved, if this is a hoax, they've upped the ante.

Two residents of Georgia allegedly found the body in the northern woods of the state and put it in a freezer. They submitted it for DNA testing and supposedly the results of that test will be made public on Friday. I guess if there's any big news on Friday, then we'll know. Don't hold your breath though.


And as if one giant monster story wasn't enough for one day, check out this story about a 3,300 pound stingray caught off the coast of China. I had no idea they could grow to that size. That's one damn big fish.

Too Close To Hate


Nobody would upload one of my favorite songs - perhaps my favorite Sevendust song - and so I had to do it myself. This live version of Too Close To Hate is the best version I've heard. It's got so much more energy than the album version. There's also a live acoustic version on the album Southside Double-Wide that's pretty good and perhaps I'll have to upload that one day for comparison/contrast purposes, but until then enjoy this one. And be sure to get your tickets for Pain in the Grass on 8/23 to see Sevendust perform this and other favorites with the likes of Queensryche and Drowning Pool. I have to work that day but am considering quitting my job to attend.

Monday, August 11, 2008

What's Wrong With This Corner?

If you haven't been to the corner of Queen Anne Ave and Boston, it's nearly the greatest corner in all of Seattle, perhaps the world. 3 of the 4 corners have coffee shops on them, but sadly, there is one corner where you will have to cross the street if you're thirsty. And the thing that really kills me is that right next door to Tully's is a Cafe Landro. Why couldn't they just move into that last corner spot?


Corner #1: Tully's









Corner #2: Starbucks








Corner #3: Peet's








Corner #4: What the hell?!?


Quote of the Day

Feng Shui is Chinese for put all your husband's stuff in the garage. - Craig Shoemaker

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Olympics

Here's my update on the Olympics so far. Keep in mind that the commentary you get here will not be found anywhere else. So far the televised events haven't interested me too much. I've watched a few minutes here and there of volleyball, rowing, boxing, water polo, and fencing. When soccer came on I grabbed the remote in a panic and changed the channel as fast as I could lest I accidentally watch a few minutes, fall asleep, and lose half a weekend. Right now some women's swimming is on, backstroke to be specific. I found myself getting too involved though and think I'm going to have to stop. I was just watching Natalie Caughlin getting too close to the lane line and couldn't help coaching her despite the fact that the technology hasn't been invented yet to allow athletes to hear me through the television, particularly when they are on a tape delay. Yet even with that in mind I couldn't help telling her, "you're getting too close to the lane line ... move away from the lane line ... GET AWAY FROM THE LANE LINE!!!!" I began having flashbacks of my high school swimming days - hitting the lane lines and crunching my fingers. That is unpleasant let me tell you. As luck would have it, she didn't hit the lane line, but she sure came close. I think I better get some sleep. But not until after Michael Phelps and Ian Thorpe square off in the 200 meter freestyle!

Of course, they claim that it's all the new super suits that provide all the unprecedented speed. For $550 it sure as hell be super fast though. Back in my day, I did it the old fashioned way - with an embarrassingly small suit. With my natural ability though, 3 or 4 super suits and maybe a bionic arm still wouldn't have helped me much.

As always, your best bet is to watch CBC for most of your Olympics needs. It's not in HD, but you'll be able to see events 12 hours before the US channels show them and win some money from your dumber friends. I am happy, however, that so far more airtime has been devoted to actual coverage rather than the typical 75% behind the scenes/human interest stories that prior Olympics have gone with. Hopefully they've finally given up on that.

***Update***
Wow, the mens 4 x 100 swimming relay was amazing. The US just barely edged out France for the gold and a new world record. Gold medal #1 for Michael Phelps. He still has a chance to get 8.

Don't Ever Call Me Home Skillet

First of all, I love the show Psych. Where else would you hear a sentence like the one above? And I have to say that after singing the praises of the DVR, mine betrayed me. For some reason it just went nuts on me and started recording random nonsense and listing it as Monk. One "episode" recorded for 5 hours. That one at least started with an episode of Monk before recording the next 4 hours of whatever was on afterward. Once it filled up all the empty space, it began deleting previously recorded movies and episodes of tv shows so that it could record more "episodes" of Monk. The Seahawks game that I'd only had time to watch the first quarter of? Gone. Apocalypto? Gone. My unwatched episodes of Wild China? You guessed it, they will remain unwatched. I checked the schedule and they won't be replayed. I even checked Hulu, and no luck there either. Luckily Netflix has them, but I'm still not happy about it. The only show that wasn't a casualty of my runaway DVR before I reigned it in? The latest episode of Psych. I had to immediately watch that so it wouldn't disappear by tomorrow.

I really want to reboot my DVR after this experience, but to do that I'd have to boot it a first time, and I think if I did that I might have to buy a new one. Since Comcast charges me a monthly fee for it, I wonder if I can get a month free or some other compensation if I complain enough. I sure would like Comcast a lot more if they gave me something other than irritation. Somehow I doubt that's going to happen though.

New Euro Design

Special thanks to Wayne for sending me the link showcasing the new Euro design. This is unquestionably one of the most awesome things I've ever seen. I can't tell you how badly I want one of these.

Friday, August 08, 2008

You're Only A Day Away


Apparently gorillas have developed the ability to sing opera and perform show tunes. Here a young gorilla can be seen singing the smash hit "Tomorrow" from the Broadway show Annie. It is believed that this is a defense mechanism. The rest of the animal kingdom is frightened away by the gorillas breaking into song and dance for no apparent reason. It's a confusion technique that leading animal behaviorists say has been developed in a remarkably short period of time.

Invasion

In case you haven't heard, the US is under attack. Don't be alarmed, but Mexican soldiers have invaded Arizona and taken a border patrol agent hostage. In retaliation, I think we need to annex some nice sunny vacation spot. Maybe Cabo San Lucas or the Baja. This aggression will not stand.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Soviet B.O.

Today at work, story time began, and as I'm sure you are all aware, it was nothing but high brow stories from me. Because the topic of the crazy Canadian postman who stabbed and ate a guy on the bus came up, I began to recount a bus story from my college days. If you've heard this one before, feel free to skip ahead. On second though, no, you have to read it again. The year was .... I don't remember, but sometime in the 90's I'm pretty sure. As previously mentioned, I was enjoying the luxury of Metro transportation when to my dismay, a man in a WSU shirt entered. I don't recall at this juncture if he sat directly in front of me, or directly behind me. What I will never forget, however is that without question, he was producing the most offensive odor I have encountered in a human being. I'm pretty sure a decomposing corpse would have been an improvement. And no exaggeration here - there were moments when I thought I was going to lose containment and wretch right there on the bus. It really was that bad.

Anyway, it was at this point in the story when I said, "if I could have pulled my hands from covering my nose for long enough, I think I would have stabbed him." At this point things really began to get entertaining.

PGT immediately chimed in with, "was it Eastern European B.O.?"
Me: "worse"
PGT: "Indian subcontinent B.O.?"
Me: "at least that bad"
PGT: "Soviet B.O.?"
Me: "That would be a great band name."

Long story short, we are now forming a fake band by the name of Soviet B.O. PGT has already staked his claim to the cowbell and triangle duties. I think I might take over keytar duties. We have successfully recruited one more member who has yet to announce his duties. I don't know if we will put on any fake shows, create a fake web site in order to have yet one more venue for hot chicks to ignore us, or if we will lose interest in a few days and announce our fake break up. What I do know for certain are 2 things: 1. no other band has already taken that name so we will not be forced to change it. 2. With a name that good, we are sure to be a monstrous success.

Where Is T.O.?

With the Brett Favre circus in full force, I can't help wondering, where the hell is Terrell Owens? How has he been able to keep his big mouth shut and let somebody else hog the spotlight? And where are Randy Moss or Chad Johnson when you need them? One of those guys has to step up and make an ass of himself for the good of the nation. Steve Smith, bless his heart, gave it a try by breaking former Seahawk Ken Lucas' nose and there by giving another former Seahawk DJ Hackett a starting spot on the opening day roster. But alas, that blew over way too quickly thanks to the massive blowhard Favre.

And so I beg all the egomaniacs in the sports world to step it up and free us poor fans from the merciless onslaught of the Favre industrial complex. Right now I'm offering a tray of cold cuts and a six pack of Heineken to the first man who will knock Favre off the front page. I can't begin to tell you how sick I am of hearing how he loves the game more than anyone in the history of the league. How he's overcome so much thanks to his unparallelled love of the game - from the hurricane threatening his home down in Louisiana that was vacant at the time, to the time he fought through a bad cold and still was able to make it onto the field and throw 3 interceptions, and even the time he couldn't find his kids in the supermarket. Enough already, I'd rather hear about hockey at this point. Honest to God, hockey. And you know how much I hate hockey.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Chinese Red Panda

I recorded the documentary - Wild China - that has been showing on the Travel Channel recently and so far have only watched the first two (of six) episodes, but I'm already ready to pack my bags and take a vacation there myself. More importantly, I have now decided that I want a pet Chinese Red Panda. I think they look more like a cross between a fox and a racoon than a panda or any other bear, but it's still cute. Dogs are banned at my condos, but as far as I know it doesn't say anything about pet bears in the rules & regulations. I just don't know where I'll get enough bamboo to keep it full. And as you can see in the below video, they are small enough to be house pets. I really don't see any down side to this. Now, if somebody can just point me in the direction of the closest pet shop that has one, I'll be right there.

Re-Pet

It's finally happened. The creepy woman pictured to your left sold her house so that she could afford the $50,000 price tag to have her beloved pet dog Booger cloned. There is a line that is crossed by an increasing number of pet owners in this country that seem to think of their pets as children, and it is so far in the rear view mirror for this lady that I don't think she can see it anymore. Referring to your pets as your children is really straddling the line of irrationality. Dressing your pets is a step over the line. From there it proceeds to pet vacations and, of course, leaving your inheritance to your pet. All of these are symptoms of a possible psychological problem and should trigger, at the very least, a serious re-evaluation of your priorities if not a straight jacket. Becoming homeless in order to clone your lost pet goes well beyond any of those, and I'm not really sure that this woman realizes that the clone is a different animal. And she really needs to watch the 6th Day in order to fully acquaint herself with the hazards of cloning.

Yes, I realize that loving a pet is completely natural, and I had some childhood pets that died and I did mourn the loss of. But death is a part of life, and the inability some people seem to have to cope with it really disturbs me. I sure hope that pet cloning never becomes mainstream, and certainly not human cloning.

Useless Trivia!

According to French tradition, how many pleats should there be in a chef’s tall starched white hat?

Monday, August 04, 2008

The Big Tease

I don't know about you, but I think that the tease of the upcoming story before a commercial break is going to go away soon. Both on radio and tv. Whenever I hear, "what longtime Seahawk is hanging up his cleats? Find out after this" the first thing I do is go on the internet and change the channel because I know it's Chris Gray before the commercial break is over. The news is traditionally the worst offender - 'what common household item causes cancer?' has become a joke. I've noticed that Bob, Spike, and Joe do that every morning on KZOK too. I think sooner or later they will realize that they lose viewers/listeners by doing that. I just find the whole tease to be annoying and ultimately counter productive. So don't fall for it. Use the internet for it's intended purpose and become a more selective viewer/listener.

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

I will publicly admit that I enjoyed the original Mummy. I thought it was a fun, light hearted action movie, and when you throw in a drop dead gorgeous Patricia Velasquez painted gold (I've had a big crush on her for years), how can you not like it? Admittedly The Mummy Returns was a bit of a letdown, but still had it's moments. The third installment - The Scorpion King - was a huge drop in entertainment value despite having yet another gorgeous woman whom I've had a crush on for years showing a lot of skin - Kelly Hu.

Despite the steady decline in quality, the previews of the newest iteration - Tomb of the Dragon Emperor - looked pretty good to me. Perhaps I was blinded by the special effects, but I thought that the series was turning things around. Adding Jet Li and the beautiful Maria Bello and Michelle Yeoh I thought added some credibility. But it turns out I was mistaken. As you can see from the tomato meter to the right, a whopping 9% of critics thought it was watchable. That is a dismal enough score that I'm not sure I want to even waste the time watching it when it is released on DVD. The harshest review actually says "Makes me miss Uwe Boll." Ouch!

I'm a little disappointed as I had hoped this would be enjoyable, and perhaps this movie will be retitled: Tomb of Brendan Fraser's Career.

Hello, 911....

....the sammich artists at Subway didn't make my sammich according to my specifications.

Some people might consider dialing 911 because you are unhappy with your sub to be over reacting. But when I saw this headline, my immediate thought was that it was my coworker who returned from lunch on Friday complaining about unwanted honey mustard. But as I read on, I learned that this occurred in none other than Florida - home of all manner of lunacy.

Here in the great state of Washington, when you wander into your local Subway and come to the grim realization that on this day your sammich will be assembled by the surly Latin girl with a limited grasp of English (to this day I've never heard her speak a word of English, she just points at things and glares at me as she awaits my yes or no. PGT claims that he witnessed her uttering the words, "I understand honey mustard" after telling her he wanted deli mustard, not honey mustard) you simply take your sammich and go, and perhaps grumble to whoever will listen. We certainly don't dial 911 a second time to ask why officers still have not arrived on the scene to square away your lunch issues.

But this story has a happy ending. After becoming belligerent and being locked out of the store, the unhappy patron was not calmed by the eventual arrival of police, and certainly not soothed at all when he realized that he was the one being arrested and that his precious sammiches were thrown away. Although I find that last part to be a little disappointing. The arresting officer could have enjoyed that sammich. So let this be a lesson to you, don't be an idiot, and if you must be an idiot, don't call the police and notify them of your idiocy.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

Natural Disaster

After the California earthquake last week, I got to thinking that according to seismologists, we're overdue for a huge quake here in Western Washington. They say that according to the geological record, every 300-500 years we have an enormous quake and it's been about 500 years since the last one. Then I got to thinking that the same thing goes for volcanic eruptions, tidal waves, tornadoes, snow storms, forest fires, etc. I am going on record right now and predicting that any day now, some major cataclysm will strike and set off an unprecedented chain reaction of every type of catastrophe known to man, and even a few unknown to man.

This will be so severe that everything West of the Cascades will just break off and float out into the Pacific Ocean. Only one hearty soul will be able to survive all of this, and that will be me. I will proclaim myself king of my new island kingdom. My first duties as king will be to procure cable tv and high speed internet access. I will then set forth to increase the population by making arrangements to import some beautiful women. The immigration restrictions are pretty strict and only the cream of the crop will be accepted.

And this is exactly why I shouldn't post at night. I don't have a great deal of focus normally, but once it starts getting late and I start winding down, keeping my mind focused on anything is nearly impossible. It wanders where it pleases. But I give you my solemn oath that this will be absolutely the last time I allow myself to do something like this. Tonight. All bets are off tomorrow.

Precious Little Snowflakes

Finally, a major study shows that overprotective parents who treat their children like precious little snowflakes are actually doing them more harm than good. I know if seems obvious to a lot of people that not allowing kids to do anything for fear of a little bump or bruise actually hinders the child's development, but we still have a generation of wusses who are afraid of their own shadows. The study doesn't say that you should go so far as to practice tough love by terrorizing children, but I'm going to go out on that limb. I don't have any hard evidence to show that scaring the bejezus out of kids will make them stronger, just an intuition. Plus it just seems like it would be good fun.

And it is at this point that I would like to include this disclaimer: it should be noted that I do not have children and have no plans of ever having any. Come to think of it, maybe it's for the best if there is a 50' radius between myself and anyone under 12. Once they hit 13, anything goes. I don't know if there's a person alive who wouldn't agree that teens need a good beating from time to time. It's good for the psyche.

Before I got off on that little tangent there, I wanted to mention that while I don't think one study will do the trick, if we get enough there's still hope that we might halt the pansification* of the world's youth.

*pansification - the act of becoming a pansy - is a word created by the Craw Fu Corporation, your leader in made up words.

Second Degree?

Thanks to the Sage for bringing this to my attention. On a bus outside of Toronto, a 40 year old man pulled out a knife and a pair of scissors and without warning began stabbing another rider. Following dozens of stabs, the man decapitated his victim, held it up for all to see, and then began hacking off pieces of the victim and eating them. Police arrived at the scene of the gruesome attack and arrested the assailant who has now been charged with second degree murder. Wait a minute! What the hell do you have to do to get a murder 1 charge in Canada? Do you have to eat the entire victim? If you leave left overs, does that drop it to a second degree?

And in what has become a tradition in grisly murders, someone was immediately on hand to say what a great guy the murder was and what a surprise it is. Usually it's a neighbor with the typical, "he was a quiet man, kept to himself, was always polite....." This time it was his boss who chimed in with:

Li's employer said in an interview Saturday that he was shocked to learn
that his "model employee" had been accused of the grisly attack. Vincent Augert,
an independent contractor who distributes newspapers in Edmonton, said that Li
was one of his most reliable carriers.

"He was very punctual and always cleanly dressed," he told The
Associated Press. "He was a very nice, polite guy. We would've had no reason to
let him go before all this happened."


Just once I'd like to hear someone just come out and say, "I knew something was wrong with that guy. I tried to warn the police." And FYI for everyone out there, I could also be described as punctual, cleanly dressed, very nice, and polite. I have no plans to ever eat "long pork" though.

Name That Quote

"That was so terrible I think you gave me cancer."

Friday, August 01, 2008

Preseason #1

The college football preseason polls are out, and I know that preseason polls are worthless so there is no need to tell me what a waste of time they are. Regardless, as it stands right now Georgia is the team to beat. They have a substantial lead on USC, who you really can't go wrong picking anymore. It's been so long now that I can't remember what it was like back in the days when USC wasn't ranked in the top 5.

I think that by the end of September, 3 of the top 5 will have lost a game and will be down in the teens somewhere. And the real tragedy of it all is that the UW is not in the top 25. Just because they have been terrible for 5 years in a row doesn't mean that this isn't the year they turn things around. Believe in the power of Jake Locker.