Monday, December 31, 2007

NFL Playoff Predictions

It's that time of year again for me to make my playoff predictions, although they are less predictions than they are advanced knowledge of events that have yet to come to pass.

In the wild card weekend, the Seahawks will obviously win big over the Redskins. The offense will be too much for the Redskins to handle, and the defense will get a lot of pressure on Todd Collins and force some turnovers. In the other NFC game, the Giants will knock off the Buccaneers, and in the AFC Jacksonville will walk all over Pittsburgh and San Diego will beat Tennessee.

In the next round, I the Seahawks will travel to Green Bay enjoy some cold weather, beat the Packers, and possibly kill Brett Favre, although maybe they will only end his career. Either way, you heard it here first - the last game of Favre's career will be a loss to Seattle. The Giants will travel to Dallas where they will be handily beaten by the Cowboys. Over in the AFC, the Jaguars will lose to the mighty Patriots, and the Colts will take down the Chargers. This loss will result in Norv Turner losing his job.

On to the conference championships where Seattle will stun the Dallas crowd. It will be another heartbreaking loss for the Cowboys, and once again Tony Romo will cry on national TV. The Colts will blow a late lead to the Patriots and after the game Peyton Manning will blame the loss on a poor effort by the defense and a lack of protection from his offensive line.

This brings us to the Superbowl. The hype surrounding the Patriots will be nauseating, and Tom Brady will be crowned king of Boston. He will then impregnate half the women in Boston during the week leading up to the big game, and all of that exertion will leave him at less than 100% on gameday. The stage will then be set for the greatest Seahawks victory of all time - or at least until the Superbowl next year. The loss will cause a wave of mass suicides in Boston, and Ben Afflek will produce and star in a box office bomb full of conspiracy theories regarding who threw the game, which refs were paid off, which spies stole the Patriots playbook and game plan, etc. Meanwhile, back in Seattle, a parade will be hastily thrown together to honor the triumphant Seahawks, and it will rain. Employees all around the area will be given the day off to celebrate. People in my company will be given a "jeans day" to celebrate. It will be glorious.

So there you have it. That is exactly how things will play out. There is no point in even questioning it. Just try to act surprised when it happens.
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