Another Friday Night

It's kind of a sad state of affairs that the only date I can get on a Friday night these days is with Shelvis. That's right, Shelvis and I went out to the Mariner game, and oddly enough, he wasn't a whole lot of help in attracting women. As a matter of fact, a good portion of the night was spent being mercilessly elbowed while hearing, "I hope she bends over" or some similar phrase. That's right folks, Shelvis is a dirty old man. I hope you were sitting down for that shocker.

Now for me, the most entertaining portion of the game came when 2 middle aged women sat down in the seats next to me. That's when the Shelvis pep talk started. It started out with, "those women are so gettable. I guarantee you they are divorced and looking for some action." From there it progressed to, "A little weed and they are all yours. I've got enough in my pants right now to get you in the door."

At this point, I'd like to say for the record, that when I start looking to Shelvis for dating advice, I have officially hit rock bottom, and I hope that someone will step in and get me the help I need. That is just one step away from moving out into a shack in the woods, living like a hermit, and beginning work on my manifesto. Fear not though, when I do get to that point, I will freely share my manifesto via this blog. Stay tuned.

Anyway, back to the game. I was fortunate enough to hear the pitiful pickup attempt from a guy sitting behind me. I don't remember exactly what was said, but this is a pretty close approximation:

Pitiful Dude: You know, I build skyscrapers for a living.
Woman: Cool
Pitiful Dude: It's true, I really do build skyscrapers.
Woman: I believe you. I said cool.....
Pitiful Dude: Well, believe it or not, most women think that's pretty hot.
Woman: Uh huh.......

It was at this point that I was tempted to jump in with 'you know, I sell insurance for a living', but then I remembered, oh yeah, women aren't impressed with that. And I don't actually sell insurance. And then I'd be left in the awkward position of trying to describe what I actually do and I would come off as just as pitiful as the skyscraper builder, who I assume is actually a lowly construction worker who has worked on a high rise before.

I was also disappointed to find out that years of smoking have left Shelvis incapable of unleashing his trademark ear splitting boo anymore. For those of you who have never heard that, it was a thing of beauty. And in the old days, when the M's were only drawing 15k, the boo could be heard by everyone in the Kingdome. It was a deep, heartfelt boo that came from the diaphragm. It was so powerful that the hate and animosity were actually tangible. The reverberations would hit you, and you would actually feel the hate yourself. It's sad to know I've heard that for the last time.

Wrapping things up, I got to see the M's extend their winning streak to 6 games. I thought I might get to see a fight break out as some raucous Toronto fans got shouted down with chants of U.S.A, U.S.A., and other various taunts and threats that it's probably better if I don't repeat. I don't know why, but the Canadian fans that come down to see Toronto like to get a little drunk and rowdy, and generally piss off the usually mild mannered Mariner fans. I just enjoy seeing the M's fans get a little fired up about something. It's pretty sad that appearances by the Moose and Captain Plastic draw the most crowd attention at a lot of games.

And just remember, Shelvis: not a good role model for anyone. But thanks for going to the game with me. We'll have to hit another one before the season is up.