As I was waiting for my bus today I discovered that the Seattle Sounders season starts tonight as I witnessed the migration of friendless geeks who call themselves soccer fans heading south through downtown on their way to Seahawks Stadium. As I witnessed this event, I was reminded that the majority of soccer fans in the area are pathetic posers, desperately jumping on the Sounders bandwagon while they are winning in a vain attempt to try to convince themselves that they are cool, not realizing that there are no cool soccer fans. Go ahead and name one. You can't because one doesn't exist.
It really is sad, these poor souls have deluded themselves into thinking that since soccer is popular around the world, pretending to like it here will somehow imbue them with some sort of credibility with the citizens of the world. Trends from other countries are quickly glommed onto here. European fans like to wear scarves, so posers here have to have scarves too as if to say, "me too!" Fans in some countries like to meet before the game and march into the stadium, so of course local fans saw that and quickly got together and said, "we've got to do that too if anybody is ever going to think we're cool!" Some countries like to compose songs and chants for the game and when fans here got wind of that, they immediately said, "no one will ever take us seriously if we don't have songs and chants of our own!" And if vuvuzelas and hooligans haven't reared their ugly heads around here yet, it's simply a matter of time. It's as if there's some "soccer fan" checklist somewhere on the internet that every phoney here had to memorize. And if you're one of those people that will seize any opportunity to lecture people that it's really called 'football' every time you hear either the word football or soccer, then you really need a good slapping. You're not even man enough to earn a punch, all you get is a big slap.
The level of phoniness and lack of originality is only eclipsed by the mindless drones in the cult of Apple that have to bow down to Steve Jobs 3 times a day while facing Silicon Valley. Seattle soccer fans are rapidly closing the gap though. I think it will just take 2 poor seasons to shake most of the posers off the bandwagon. I don't know if I can last that long though.