Sunday, July 06, 2008
Lost Keys
I know I shouldn't find this funny, but I just can't seem to help myself. A 91 year old woman crawled under her car looking for her keys and got her head wedged under the axle to the point that she was unable to extricate herself. Two days later when the mailman noticed the prior day's mail hadn't been picked up he knocked on the door. When nobody answered he began looking around and found the poor woman confused and dehydrated. I will readily agree that the preceding isn't too funny, but what absolutely kills me is that the keys were in the car door the whole time.
Midnight Blue
Every once in a while a song pops into my head out of the blue (pun intended) for no apparent reason. I can't explain it, but today a song I don't think I've heard in years suddenly started running through my mind. As far as I know, Midnight Blue was the closest thing to a hit Lou Gramm ever had as a solo artist. It's certainly the only one of his songs that I can name. I don't know if it was because of the stylish Michael Bolton hair he's sporting in this video, the unusual spelling of his name, or if it's simply because he just didn't have the song writing talent without Foreigner behind him. All I can say for sure is that even though this song is a solid 20% cheesier than the standard Foreigner fare, the video is surprisingly cheese free for it's time. It's certainly a lot less cheesy than Steve Perry's solo stuff.
I don't know why Journey and Foreigner are forever linked in my mind other than they were both popular at the same time and were both arena rock bands. Regardless, they are linked and therefore Steve Perry and Lou Gramm are linked as well. And so for comparison purposes, I'll also say that Oh Sherrie is the only hit Steve Perry had as a solo artist and include it below. Steve is definitely cheesier and unquestionably uglier but I think has a better voice. But as the video proves, no matter how ugly you are, as long as you're rich and famous you can still get yourself a girl. I'm not sure that's the message he was trying to convey, but that's what I got out of it. And so it is that I think that I should be in a band.
I don't know why Journey and Foreigner are forever linked in my mind other than they were both popular at the same time and were both arena rock bands. Regardless, they are linked and therefore Steve Perry and Lou Gramm are linked as well. And so for comparison purposes, I'll also say that Oh Sherrie is the only hit Steve Perry had as a solo artist and include it below. Steve is definitely cheesier and unquestionably uglier but I think has a better voice. But as the video proves, no matter how ugly you are, as long as you're rich and famous you can still get yourself a girl. I'm not sure that's the message he was trying to convey, but that's what I got out of it. And so it is that I think that I should be in a band.
Dreams
I've got a weird one for your psychoanalysis today. Last night I dreamed that an enormous woman - at least 50 feet tall - was chasing me through a grocery store intent on eating me. I kept running down all of the narrow and crowded aisles so that she would have trouble following me. But try as I might, I just couldn't shake her. I guess hungry women can't be stopped. Needless to say, she eventually caught me. She picked me up in her enormous hand and as soon as I got close enough to her mouth, I took a good solid swing at her. That's when I punched the headboard and woke myself up. One bloody knuckle later I never found out how this dream was going to turn out.
I think that the large woman represents - I don't really know, my fear of large women I guess. And that would mean that her trying to eat me represents my fear of being eaten by large women. It turns out that dream analysis isn't one of my strengths.
I think that the large woman represents - I don't really know, my fear of large women I guess. And that would mean that her trying to eat me represents my fear of being eaten by large women. It turns out that dream analysis isn't one of my strengths.
Friday, July 04, 2008
Firework Labels
For those of you who don't think that firework labels are art, you need to check out this site. Just in time for the 4th it's got pictures of tons of labels spanning decades. My favorite is the flying King Kong. I guess firework manufacturers think that a giant rampaging gorilla isn't terrifying enough by itself and therefore should fly too. And if that isn't enough to get you interested, be sure to check out page 2 where King Kong managed to turn the Empire State Building into a rocket and fly over the Statue of Liberty. If that doesn't say freedom, I don't know what does. It's just a shame that most of this art was blown up.
And who would have guessed that Geo'gia Cracker would be a reference to explosives, not a southern hillbilly? Perhaps there is a double entendre inferred there. And really, who hasn't thought it would be fun to blow up a red neck? It will make sense when you see it.
I'm done. With that my commentary comes to a merciful conclusion. Check out the link and have a happy 4th.
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
Man's Guide To Fireworks
As a community service, here is the man's guide to fireworks that was just floating out there in cyberspace waiting to be found. Now I feel I should warn you, this guide is pretty simplistic and anyone with any familiarity with the explosive arts may be disappointed by this. But I'm guessing that the author of the guide most likely lives in a city where all the good stuff is illegal. King county has really gone out of it's way to take all the joy out of Independence Day and so I can see where this guy is coming from. And that's why I feel the need to augment it a bit.
Firework myth #1: Sparklers should only be used by kids. The fact is that sparklers are super damn hot and I would guess that a great deal of emergency room trips on the 4th are kids suffering from varying degrees of sparkler burns. Kids really shouldn't be allowed near sparklers until they are old enough to be bored by them. Don't think that this means that sparklers should go extinct, that's not true either. With some sparklers and duct tape, you can still make one hell of a sparkler bomb, although that tutorial I found recommends wrapping the sparklers in aluminum foil and electrical tape. Presumably either will work, however I can only personally vouch for the duct tape method. A quick youtube search resulted in a way too long but still impressive mushroom cloud of fire created by approximately 9000 sparklers as well as this much shorter, yet still impressive version with a mere 240 sparklers.
Firework myth #2: The guide says that you shouldn't use roman candles in firework wars. This is only partially true - roman candles make decent weapons, but for a proper war, saturn missile batteries are a far more effective projectile. Also, I can tell you that a 5 gallon drum packed with as many roman candles you can fit in makes for a fine show. Some dousing with lighter fluid or some other flammable liquid is required in order to get them all to light simultaneously though. Roman candles do play an important role in one of my favorite video clips though. I apologize for my laziness in not finding a version without some stupid commentary.
Fireworks myth #3: According to the guide, fountains are only for kids and girls. I actually like fountains a lot. If you're a full grown man and you can't enjoy flames and sparks shooting into the air, then either you've got yourself a wussy little fountain and need to find a bigger one, or something is wrong with you.
Unfortunately this guide failed to mention one of the best fireworks out there, the mortar. If you like loud explosives that erupt into a bright aerial, then mortars are for you. Also, the only rockets mentioned are bottle rockets. Those are pretty tame and I much prefer their bigger brothers. For some real fun, you've got to get the larger rockets or some missiles. The warhead launcher is an old favorite of mine.
One last story before I call it a night. Years ago, along with at least one cousin, maybe more, a covert operation was planned. Too many old people had gathered on the deck and complained too much about the fireworks going off. This was offensive to us kids since the old people belonged inside if they were going to be whining about the fireworks. And so the total sensory overload was born. Three mammoth smoke grenades were ignited, one on each end of the deck and one in the middle. This ensured that regardless of wind, the deck would be enveloped in smoke. The next step was a few whistling petes - possibly the most annoying firework ever invented (which it turns out can also be turned into a bomb). Finally, a few well placed lightning flashes provided the coup de grace. The deck was cleared of joyless geezers in a matter of seconds.
Have a safe and happy fourth!
Firework myth #1: Sparklers should only be used by kids. The fact is that sparklers are super damn hot and I would guess that a great deal of emergency room trips on the 4th are kids suffering from varying degrees of sparkler burns. Kids really shouldn't be allowed near sparklers until they are old enough to be bored by them. Don't think that this means that sparklers should go extinct, that's not true either. With some sparklers and duct tape, you can still make one hell of a sparkler bomb, although that tutorial I found recommends wrapping the sparklers in aluminum foil and electrical tape. Presumably either will work, however I can only personally vouch for the duct tape method. A quick youtube search resulted in a way too long but still impressive mushroom cloud of fire created by approximately 9000 sparklers as well as this much shorter, yet still impressive version with a mere 240 sparklers.
Firework myth #2: The guide says that you shouldn't use roman candles in firework wars. This is only partially true - roman candles make decent weapons, but for a proper war, saturn missile batteries are a far more effective projectile. Also, I can tell you that a 5 gallon drum packed with as many roman candles you can fit in makes for a fine show. Some dousing with lighter fluid or some other flammable liquid is required in order to get them all to light simultaneously though. Roman candles do play an important role in one of my favorite video clips though. I apologize for my laziness in not finding a version without some stupid commentary.
Fireworks myth #3: According to the guide, fountains are only for kids and girls. I actually like fountains a lot. If you're a full grown man and you can't enjoy flames and sparks shooting into the air, then either you've got yourself a wussy little fountain and need to find a bigger one, or something is wrong with you.
Unfortunately this guide failed to mention one of the best fireworks out there, the mortar. If you like loud explosives that erupt into a bright aerial, then mortars are for you. Also, the only rockets mentioned are bottle rockets. Those are pretty tame and I much prefer their bigger brothers. For some real fun, you've got to get the larger rockets or some missiles. The warhead launcher is an old favorite of mine.
One last story before I call it a night. Years ago, along with at least one cousin, maybe more, a covert operation was planned. Too many old people had gathered on the deck and complained too much about the fireworks going off. This was offensive to us kids since the old people belonged inside if they were going to be whining about the fireworks. And so the total sensory overload was born. Three mammoth smoke grenades were ignited, one on each end of the deck and one in the middle. This ensured that regardless of wind, the deck would be enveloped in smoke. The next step was a few whistling petes - possibly the most annoying firework ever invented (which it turns out can also be turned into a bomb). Finally, a few well placed lightning flashes provided the coup de grace. The deck was cleared of joyless geezers in a matter of seconds.
Have a safe and happy fourth!
The Devil Was Making Them Lose
After cutting the devil from their roster, the hapless Tampa Bay Devil Rays have made the miraculous transition to the unbeatable Tampa Bay Rays this year. Their recent sweep of the hated Red Sox has not only made me very happy, it has given them the best record in baseball.
I have to admit that I didn't expect this dramatic turn of events. I never thought a name change would make any difference. I thought for sure that they would continue to stink this year. That being said, its still early in the season and they could easily fall apart the second half, but I would personally love it if they won the division over both the Yankees and Red Sox. I can only imagine the spending spree that would send those two teams into.
As of now it looks like it's shaping up for a Rays - Cubs world series. And since my finger started throbbing, leading me to stop typing for a few minutes, I have no idea where I was going with this anymore. I can only assume it was somewhere worthwhile. Probably not though.
I have to admit that I didn't expect this dramatic turn of events. I never thought a name change would make any difference. I thought for sure that they would continue to stink this year. That being said, its still early in the season and they could easily fall apart the second half, but I would personally love it if they won the division over both the Yankees and Red Sox. I can only imagine the spending spree that would send those two teams into.
As of now it looks like it's shaping up for a Rays - Cubs world series. And since my finger started throbbing, leading me to stop typing for a few minutes, I have no idea where I was going with this anymore. I can only assume it was somewhere worthwhile. Probably not though.
Fish Story
Now that's one big fish. According to police, this 6 foot long catfish (yes, 6 feet) suffocated while trying to swallow a soccer ball. By far the best line in the article however is this one: "Whether the fish allowed himself to get caught up in the recent excitement over the Euro 2008 and went for the ball can't be ascertained," Bavarian police said in a statement on Monday.
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
Two Wrongs Don't Make A Right
....but three lefts do. Although I guess that should be the other way around since this story claims that UPS saved over 3.3 million gallons of gas in 2007 by only allowing their drivers to turn right. Needless to say, I find this figure to be a little surprising. While I will readily agree that sitting at a stop light idling wastes a lot of gas, I would hardly have guessed it would be so much. But there's more too it than that. Further investigation shows that a lot of that is also planning your route before hand so that you can avoid left turns. Regardless, I am now on a mission to find a UPS truck turning left. Hopefully I will have a camera handy when it happens so that I can have some solid evidence afterward.
Quote of the Day
Day 1 of having my finger back, I'm just starting to get some feeling back in it. Most of the feeling I get back is going to be bad feelings for a while so I'm not too excited about that. I did go to physical therapy this morning and followed doctors orders to, "bend the hell out of it while I can't feel anything." Range of motion is up to 85ยบ today (up from 55 last week) which I think is pretty good considering all the swelling, not to mention the considerable amount of gauze and crap wrapped around it right now. It remains to be seen what the ROM is once the pain sets in though. I have to think that not having pins in it would almost have to increase the mobility though.
Anyway, after the PT I stopped by a sporting goods store that I had no idea was there. I saw they had some Bedard jerseys for $70 and recommended to the guy working there that he cut the price on those before Bedard gets traded. That's where the quote of the day kicked in, "I think we could drop those to $10 and nobody would buy them."
Anyway, after the PT I stopped by a sporting goods store that I had no idea was there. I saw they had some Bedard jerseys for $70 and recommended to the guy working there that he cut the price on those before Bedard gets traded. That's where the quote of the day kicked in, "I think we could drop those to $10 and nobody would buy them."
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