Twilight

A while ago, I heard that the largest demographic for motion pictures is teenage girls. After seeing the much hyped Twilight, I'm beginning to believe it. I have difficulty imagining that it holds a lot of interest for other audiences. Most simply put, I spent most of the film thinking, "this is pretty stupid."

It wasn't all bad though. The director did an admirable job of portraying the beauty of the Pacific Northwest. It was almost a character in itself. The teenage characters were also portrayed accurately - they were very awkward and phony, constantly seeking the approval of their peers.

On to the stupid. I'm not going to spend a great deal of time on this, I'll just hit a few things. For starters, the vampire main character is over 100 years old, despite having the body of a 17 year old and yet we're expected to believe that he has anything other than a physical interest in a 17 year old girl? I don't think that anyone other than a teen girl would believe that.

Next, adding the twist to the vampire lore that they can't go into the sunshine because their skin gets all shiny and sparkly and blows their cover is stupid enough that it makes me angry. Maintaining their anonymity is the vampires biggest concern? Really?

The last point I'll mention is that there seemed to be several loose ends that were never tied up. One example would be that one of the female vampires whose name I can't recall (the hot blond one) expresses her disdain for the main character whose name I also forgot (played by the cute Kristen Stewart (I just checked and she turns 19 in a couple days so she's legal - whew)). This is brought up a couple times but nothing ever comes of it and no explanation is given as to why. It is simply dropped. And there are a few other plot elements which are also brought up and inexplicably dropped. It's as if there were a lot more in the book that was cut from the film, but the editing and screenplay was sloppy enough that these stray plot elements weren't completely removed.

Ultimately this movie is about what I expected of it - a crappy romance aimed aimed at a different audience. If you're out of high school or male, chances are this isn't the movie for you. If your love of Forks is strong enough though you might enjoy it. Although if your knowledge of Western Washington geography is good enough a few of the minor lines might cause a little irritation. At one point the sheriff, who is tracking the bad vampires, says, "they are headed east, it looks like they are Kitsap County's problem now." It is a loooong way from Forks to Kitsap County. And the Hood Canal is in the way.

In other news, I can't believe they keep making more Fast & Furious movies. Who in the world watches these? And how does Vin Diesel continue to get jobs? I really don't understand.

Happy Place

In December and January, my job satisfaction was at an all time low and I had days where I actually considered packing up my stuff and going home. Well, with the job market as it is, I'm pretty happy I didn't, but after some introspection and talks with a few people, I've managed to find a way to cope with the inevitable irritation that arises throughout the day. When the anger begins to rise, I have found it very helpful to stop what I'm doing for a few minutes, take a deep breath, and go to my happy place.

Sadly, the persistent folks back at Liberty Mutual HQ continue to find new and innovative ways to track down my happy place and trash it. The latest atrocity came when I found out today that a bunch of the people on my floor were laid off today. Worst of all, I think that among them was the drop dead gorgeous woman down the hall was among them. This is a woman so attractive that sometimes I forget what I'm doing when I see her walk by. Now I'll probably never see her again. Just one more level of escapism I've been robbed of. I don't know how I'll survive.

Heinous Investment Advice

Andy Borowitz strikes once again, this time with his investment advice. I won't paste the whole thing here, but I will give you the tantalizing first paragraph.

If you’re one of those people who’d rather hide their money under a mattress
than give it to an investment adviser, you’re ignoring a basic economic fact:
Mattresses are expensive. Let's say you want to hide $500 under a mattress. A
queen mattress capable of hiding such a sum could run you as much as, say, $500.
Do the math: By the time you've paid for the mattress, you'll have no money left
to hide under it. Smart move, asshole.

I could have used some solid advice like this 6 months ago. It probably would have saved me a lot of money.

Snack Time

Yesterday snack time rolled around and I did something I haven't done before, I headed to the cafeteria to use the trusty (I assume since I haven't used it before) vending machine. That's when, to my surprise, I saw a boldly named product - Effin Crackers. I thought to myself, these crackers are so bad ass that they are practically commanding you to eat them. It's like they are saying, "eat these effin crackers biatch!" Since I'm pretty bad ass myself, I feel like I need a bad ass snack to keep me going on those boring afternoons.

As you've probably already guess since you're probably not so racked with hunger pangs and caffeine deficiencies that you can read properly and see the Keebler elf on the package, these were in fact elfin crackers. Fear not, the story had a happy ending. As luck would have it, the crackers were tasty, if not bold, and my stomach was satisfied.

Woot Off

Public service announcement: Woot off in progress. Unfortunately, every time I refresh, the next item is already sold out. That's why I missed out on the Homer Simpson 4 port USB hub. It's just as well since I don't need a USB hub. This does remind me though of what I stated in a previous post: The Simpsons will shamelessly slap their name on any piece of crap to make a buck. They have become a self parody, like the Krusty the Clown merchandise in the show. Hopefully I won't miss out on the Simpsons home pregnancy test or the Simpsons crowd control barriers.

It's Too Cold

Do you know at what point you realize that the winter has been too long? For me it was when I saw an ad for a greenhouse and my first thought was, "hmmm, I wonder if that will fit on my deck? I could go outside and still stay warm. Not only that, but after society's inevitable collapse, I'll need somewhere to grow my own food since I don't have a garden." It's only 6' x 8', that might fit. Well, I'll spare you any more suspense. After looking around for my tape measure and realizing it wasn't where I thought it was, I managed to locate the box it was in. I don't remember putting it there, but no matter, it turns out my deck is only 5' wide. I didn't bother measuring the length at that point, but it is easily twice the required 8'.

Here are some other random thoughts for you. Were this crazy plan to work, it would also provide a convenient place for me to roast coffee without setting off a smoke alarm. I am also amused by some of the required tools for assembly. A partner - I'd have to borrow one of those from somewhere. Tape measure - I'm in good shape here now. Lubricant - I'm a little confused about what the lube would be used for. Work gloves - always a good idea when working with lube. Large hammer - I'm pretty fond of hitting things with a hammer, and a large one is more tempting. Yes, I'm pretty sure I couldn't assemble this without assistance.

Cliches That Need To Go

At the top of my list today is a cliche that was never clever to begin with and I thought had been retired a long time ago but apparently I was mistaken. 'Take a chill pill' just seems to keep popping up lately and really needs to go. I'm convinced that an eighth grader came up with it and thought he was brilliant for finding two words that rhyme, but I keep hearing adults using it. Only adults with no self respect by the way. That's why we need to get together and decide that today is the day it will officially be heard no more.

Next up is another one I've been hearing with increasing frequency: 'it is what it is'. I don't know that there is a more meaningless phrase in use today. It is simply a way for somebody to make noise without saying anything. A way to say, "hey, I don't have anything to say but pay attention to me anyway."

Last on the agenda for the day is not so much a cliche as a double play of buzzwords. The more time I spend in the business world, the more often I hear the words proactive and paradigm. As in, "Excuse me, but 'proactive' and 'paradigm'? Aren't these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important?" This is one of my all time favorite Simpsons quotes, one which was immediately followed by, "I'm fired, aren't I?"

King Corn

I enjoy a good documentary as much as the next guy and so decided that today King Corn was the film for me. Two recent college grads decide to move to Iowa for a year, rent an acre of land, and become corn farmers. In the process of growing corn, they examine what corn means to this country.

The evils of high fructose corn syrup are well known, but the extent to which corn has pervaded our diet is pretty amazing. It's almost impossible to get beef that isn't corn fed in this country, and the sad truth is that to fatten up cattle, they are placed in feed lots where their movement is severely restricted and they are fed corn which fattens them up before the slaughter. As a result, corn fed beef is higher in fat and saturated fat than grass fed beef. And when you consider that corn syrup is in everything from bread to soft drinks, and that fried foods are often times fried in corn oil, a large percentage of America's diet is comprised of corn, particularly fast food.

It also turns out that over the years, corn has been cultivated to get higher yield strains, sacrificing nutritional value in the process. So the more corn we grow, the worse it is for us, and since it is in almost everything, it is contributing to obesity and all the illnesses that go along with it, particularly diabetes.

The interesting thing about this is that to a large extent, this can be traced to government subsidies originally created by Agricultural Secretary Earl Butz in 1973. He implemented a plan to pay farmers to produce as much as possible. This drove down prices to the point that farmers can no longer make money without subsidies. As a result unhealthy food containing corn and corn syrup are cheaper so people buy and eat more of these unhealthy foods. In a round about way, we are subsidising the poor health and obesity of America. We're subsidising low cost foods with taxes and medical bills.

So maybe it's time to end farm subsidies. At the very least I've been convinced to eat healthier. I gave up soft drinks several years ago, but if I could find grass fed beef I'd be willing to pay more for it. And if I cold find more foods that didn't contain corn syrup I'd pay more for those too.

Targus

I'm quick to complain about companies that rub me the wrong way, but today I'm here to heap praise on a company that took care of me. I've owned this wireless mouse for about a year and the receiver started working sporadically and eventually stopped working altogether. I took it apart and discovered it had a broken wire. I went to the Targus web site to buy a replacement. I couldn't find the receiver by itself and emailed them to ask if I could purchase one since the mouse part still works fine. Since I don't remember exactly when I bought it and certainly don't have the receipt anymore I didn't expect it to be under warranty, but within a day received an email response that a replacement receiver was in the mail, free of charge. Less than a week later I received it and in back in business. In my opinion, they went above and beyond the call of duty and I can whole heartedly recommend them. It certainly moves them up my list of preferred companies.

Congratulations Japan

Congratulations Japan on winning the World Baseball Classic. I don't know how they can justify calling it a classic after only occuring two times, but the game against South Korea was certainly memorable. After surrendering the tying run in the 9th, Japan rallied in extra innings. Ichiro made me proud by hitting a 2 run double in the 10th. He lad Japan with 4 hits in the game. Undoubtedly the brilliant leadership from coach Yoda made the difference. I'm only disappointed that I can't find his first name anywhere.