In an attempt to limit the pain, I have watched the Mariners sparingly this year. What I have come to realize, however, is that the only thing more painful than watching the play on field is having to hear Rick Rizzs spew the least thoughtful nicknames ever created. There is nothing worse than just abbreviating someone's name and adding a 'y' to the end. It's like fingernails on a chalk board every time I have to hear Ichy, Fisty, Figgy, or the two that are so stupid sounding that the literally fill me with anger - Lopey and Gutty. Come on Rick, how about just a little bit of creativity, and for the love of all things holy, something less stupid or step aside and let somebody with more creativity take over. Even ripping off the A-Rod method of nicknaming and coming up with F Gut (Franklin Gutierrez) or F Her (tee hee - Felix Hernandez) is a step in the right direction. I never liked the nickname King Felix either - it's too lazy and pretentious - but I'm going to try to remain focused on the topic at hand.
The Mariners booth has become increasingly boring in general and is really making me long for the days of Ken Levine. I wish we would bring him back before we end up with Kotchy, Vargy, Leey, Wilsy, Aardsy, etc. But I'm not one to take the easy way out and simply criticize without offering solutions, so here are but a few that I was able to come up with on short notice.
Jose Lopez: No Way Jose. This would be useful every time he steps to the plate. Imagine if you will, "the Mariners have 2 men on and need a hit here to win this game, will they get it? No way Jose!"
Doug Fister naturally lends himself to all manner of vulgar nicknames referencing the practice of fisting, however in an attempt to keep things clean since baseball is a family sport here in Seattle, I am considering other options. The Iron Fist I feel is pretty solid. I'm also reminded of the karate style Kenpo which translated roughly means the Law of the Fist. That would make a pretty damned good nickname as well.
Franklin Gutierrez is a difficult riddle to solve. All I can come up with is Dirty Frank, and then they could play the Pearl Jam song by that name when he gets up to bat. I'll keep you up to date with any additional nicknames as they come to me.