My Little Pony

After seeing this story recently about a 6 pound miniature pony, which apparently doesn't show any signs of dwarfism but they don't mention anything about midgetism.  Anyway, I foresee a new trend sweeping America.  Any day now rich socialites will begin trading in their miniature 'dogs'  and instead begin carrying around tiny horses in their handbags.  This will require a slightly larger handbag but I'm sure Coach, Perlina, Dooney & Bourke, and the rest are all too happy to have a reason to sell more bags.  So if you want to be a trend setter instead of a trend follower, go out and pick up your horse today.  And remember, Craw Fu is your #1 source for all fashion trends.

Pure Class

I saw this at Costco over the weekend (although it looks like it belongs on peopleofwalmart.com) and have to say, nothing says classy like camouflage pants and high heels.  There isn't a social function that such an outfit wouldn't be perfect for.

And yes, I know that's a double negative and I'm not supposed to do that, but it's close to the end of the day and I'm borderline brain dead and can't think of a grammatically correct way of conveying that which makes any sense.

Nonsensical Lyrics of the Day

Your weeping shades of chosen indigo got lemon juice up in your eye
When you pissed all over my black kettle you must have been high

While this is from a great song, they lyrics make no sense.  People on the internet will try to pass off crazy theories about what this song is about, but they are pretty high if they believe them.  This is from a Tool song and I find it pretty amusing how the fanatical fans will weave together complex theories about what their songs mean that would make the Kennedy assassination conspiracy theories seem simplistic.  You would think they write the most deep, meaningful songs history has ever recorded.  I still contend that most of it is nonsense.

What I Hate

I've been stressed out and not sleeping well and so have been living on caffeine and adrenaline for the last couple months and am a little more edgy and prone to irritation than my usual bright and cheery misanthropic self.  Anyway, I have 2 things in today's issue of what I hate that are making me unhappy. 

First up is unnecessary punctuation.  I'll give you an example.  There is absolutely no need to list your company name as:  Crappy Ins. Agy., Inc.  And you don't need to list your address as P.O. Box 1234.  All those superfluous periods and commas just make it look sloppy and unreadable.  Leave that out. 

Next up is people too lazy to write their full address.  How am I supposed to know if 1234 N Melvina in Chicago is a street, avenue, parkway, road, place, or something else.  If it was up to me (unfortunately it's not) I would terminate agency contracts for these offenses.  Sadly this is just the kind of thing that would lead to the termination of my employment. 

Both of these loosely fall under the category of Grammar Genocide - a term coined by one anonymous acquaintance - which is becoming far too prevalent in today's society.  I almost can't visit Youtube anymore because I know that becoming irritated by inadvertently reading some of the comments left by the barely literate mouth breathers is almost unavoidable.  And as a certified Grammar God (based on a no longer existing online grammar quiz), I am legally authorized to complain about or correct other's grammar. 

The point to all of this is:  in order to prevent the English language from devolving into a collection of various grunts, something needs to be done.  Should you experience someone committing grammar genocide in your presence, you have an obligation to the world in general to shoot that idiot square in the face.  Also be on the lookout for the sub category of grammar genocide:  apostrophemy - the blasphemous misuse of apostrophes.  This has gone on for too long and something needs to be done.

2010 NFL Draft

I guess if I'm going to get my famous draft predictions in before the draft I better get on it.  So here we go.  The concensus seems to be that Sam Bradford will be drafted first overall by the Rams, but I'm the dissenting opinion.  For a team with a horrible offensive line to commit the kind of money that a #1 QB will demand on a fragile guy doesn't make any sense to me.  But then again if the Rams did things that made sense they probably wouldn't have the top pick.  Still, I think they will instead draft Ndamukong Suh.  The Seahawks will be very tempted to pick him but will pass and Bradford will drop to the Browns at #7. 

The Lions will resist the temptation to draft a WR second overall and will instead surprise no one by drafting Gerald McCoy.

I think the Seahawks will be trying very hard to trade down, and if Eric Berry is still available they might be able to work a deal with some team.  The Eagles might pull the trigger on that trade but I don't know if the Seahawks are willing to drop all the way down to #24.  The Cowboys are another option but again, that's a big drop for the Seahawks and I'm not sure either the Eagles or Cowboys are willing to pony up enough compenstion to trigger a deal.  Since the first round is loaded with offensive tackles and that is the Seahawks biggest need, they can probably get the same quality player at #14 that they could at #6 so trading down makes a lot of sense, particularly if they can pick up an extra 2nd round pick since there are a lot of guys I like in the 2nd.  Assuming they are unable to work out a deal though, I would love to see them draft Okung but I don't think he will be available - I think the Redskins will snag him a couple picks earlier - I think they will draft Eric Berry.  This is a really difficult pick to project since there will be several players available here that they could really use.

Ideally, the Seahawks would draft Okung at #6 and Taylor Mays at #14, but I think it's going to play out the other way with them grabbing their safety first and it's hard to say which OT will still be available here.  It would be nice if Brian Bulaga dropped this far, but I'm not sure he will.  Bruce Campbell would be fun just so we could say, "hail to the king baby" and throw out other classic Bruce Campbell lines throughout the length of his career but I don't think the Seahawks would take him that high.  Anthony Davis would make sense here too.  Flipping a coin on who will be available between Bulaga and Davis, I'm going to go with Davis. 

The big surprise in the draft will once again be brought to us courtesy of Al Davis.  It's no secret that the Raiders love speed, and I think CJ Spiller had the fastest 40 time in the combine.  Despite the fact that they don't need a running back, they will draft Spiller. 

The second big surprise will be the Steelers drafting Jimmy Clausen at #18.  Clausen is rated too high on most mock drafts, and with Big Ben burning his bridges in Pittsburgh, the Steelers will seize the opportunity to pick up Clausen.  Pittsburgh has proven that they are not averse to signing douchebags, so it's a perfect fit. 

The second round should be loaded with gems this year and hopefully the Seahawks will be able to trade down in the first and pick up another 2nd or two.  I would love to see Toby Gerhart drop into the Seahawks lap but am afraid he won't make it that far.  Same goes for Vladimir Ducasse and Brian Price.  Brandon Lafell and Mardy Gilyard would fit nicely on the roster as would Everson Griffen.  I'm going to go with my heart on this one and say that they will get Gerhart.

My last prediction is that the Seahawks will draft Sean Canfield in the 7th round.

Now for my crazy theoritcal draft:
The Eagles trade up to #6 and send their #24 and their 2nd round pick (#5) to the Seahawks.  The Seahawks then take Anthony Davis and Taylor Mays in the first round, and with their 2 second round picks draft Toby Gerhart and Brian Price.  I would be very happy with this. 

Other notes:  I'm pretty interested to see where RB's Montario Hardesty and Stafon Johnson end up going.  I would love to see either of them in a Seahawks uniform. 

Tim Tebow is all over the place on mock draft boards but I think the Raiders will grab him in the second round. 

I really like Javier Arenas and hope that he drops down to the 3rd round for the Seahawks.  Same goes for Akwasi Owusu-Ansah.  Arenas is a better return man but I don't think will ever be better than a nickel corner.  Owusu-Ansah is also a pretty good returner but is taller and has more potential as a CB. 

The two QB's I'm keeping my eye on are Dan LeFevour and Zac Robinson.  Both need some work but have a lot of potential.

Good News!

My fortune cookie today informed me that my popularity will increase.  Since my popularity has been waning since approximately 6th grade, this is good news.  The cookie was somewhat non-specific as to the details, so I'm hoping that in some cruel twist of fate my popularity will increase posthumously as the world rejoices at my demise.  I am currently taking it at face value though, and since said cookie was given to me by an attractive woman, I am assuming that my popularity will increase among attractive women.

I will admit to also being concerned that fortune cookies are not a reliable source of future divination.  Take for example the following anecdote:  one day after eating some delicious Chinese food, I received a fortune cookie that told me I would receive a raise.  Thrilled at this news I went directly back to the office and slapped the fortune on my boss' desk and loudly proclaimed, "Gimme!"  Unfortunately this action did not result in monetary gain but instead I received laughter.  Since then I've been reluctant to trust news delivered via cookie.

Unraveling

Making it's debut today, the brand spanking new video from Sevendust.  I love these guys and I love this song.  Listen to it until your ears bleed.

General Dare

Baseball season is once again upon us, and after hearing Shelvis' account of the Mariner Moose being swarmed by moms, I have a dare in mind.  There is a crisp new five dollar bill in it for the first person who, upon seeing the Moose surrounded by moms, stands up, points at the Moose and shouts, "somebody help, the Moose is being mauled by cougars!"  If you can get it on video and post it online, there's a ten involved.

The End Is In Sight

The last couple of months have been exceptionally stressful.  But as successive hurdles have been cleared, I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.  After training very hard for the last several months, I tested for and earned my black belt 3 weeks ago.  Then last week I filed my taxes and checked that off the list and also made it down to the emissions testing facility and got my emissions tested and my license renewed.  But the big macro was closing escrow and officially becoming a home owner.  I never would have guessed what a pain in the ass purchasing a home was, but after getting my keys and filing my taxes on the same day, I breathed a big sigh of relief and collapsed in my chair in exhaustion. 

Now one last major hurdle remains before I can fully relax.  I need to move.  I am planning on moving small stuff all this week before getting a truck and moving all the furniture on Saturday the 24th.  Anyone willing to come help either on Saturday or on any days during the week would be greatly appreciated.  "I was there to help Scott move" t-shirts will be awarded, and participants will be nourished with double down "sammiches". 

Also, a proper name for the new abode needs to be settled upon.  Crawford Castle seems the obvious moniker but is not original.  Crawford Manor has a nice ring to it, and just yesterday I came up with Crawtopia which I feel is pretty solid.  The House of Fu is right out, but I haven't ruled out Awesome Villa just yet.  I'll keep you posted as this exciting story develops.

*Update*

There will be no need for a doormat as one kind friend has promised the one pictured to the left as a house warming gift.  Also, The Crawplex is now under consideration....

Microwave Pork Rinds

Yesterday while in South Seattle, I was lucky enough to have the opportunity to stop by the happiest place on earth.  No, not Disneyland like the Madison Avenue marketing bigwigs would have you believe, the Oberto outlet store.  After loading up on hot links, summer sausage, pepperoni sticks and beef jerkey, the wonderful folks working there rewarded me with a free box of microwave pork rinds.  I'm not a big fan of pork rinds so I would never buy them myself but I'm certainly willing to give them a try for free.  It turns out they taste a lot like warm pork rinds.  Who would have guessed?  I won't be buying any more, but they are edible, and I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth.  Or the rind.  I think the primary appeal is novelty, so if you're interested you should run out and get some while they are still available. 

Double Down

July 20, 1969, man walks on the moon.  November 19, 1969, man walks on the moon again.  Then for a long time nothing happened, until today, which marks the arrival of perhaps the greatest achievement in culinary history:  the Double Down.  I've been trying to come up with an appropriate nickname for this breadless sandwich - bacon and cheese held together by a pair pieces of fried chicken - but so far the best I have been able to come up with is the Double Coronary.  Surprisingly enough, it has comparable calories and fat to a Big Mac (540/32 compared to 540/29) but still less than a third of the calories of a large Quiznos tuna melt.  So feel free to smother the entire thing with gravy.  The Double Down is expected to claim it's first life no later than Thursday the 15th.  Should health concerns keep you away though, you can still get the vegan double down, which appears to be made of plastic, but no animals were harmed when it came off the assembly line.  Unless of course you consider the human animals that were irreparably scarred during consumption.

Rules of Engagement

I watched an episode of Rules of Engagement today that I downloaded free from itunes, and while it wasn't good in the traditional sense.  But it wasn't that bad either and it showed some promise.  Particularly 2 pick up lines that I plan to add to my reportoire.  Patrick Warburton, who you probably remember as David Putty from Seinfeld uttered these gems.  Gem the first:

You're hair is super shiny, like freshly Zambonied ice.

Gem the second:

You've got a pretty nice lady set up going there. 

Pure genius.

Geronimo

After seeing this story about an Illinois man named Jeronymo who attempted suicide by jumping out of an 18th story apartment window, landing on the roof of a 4 story building next door and jumping from that building to the street.  He survived both jumps only to be pronounced dead at the hospital.  Since the story came out on April 1st, I assume it's made up. 

More importantly it got me wondering about the etymology of yelling the name Geronimo when jumping from a height.  According to Wikipedia:

The 501st Parachute Infantry Regiment's motto and slogan was named after him. In 1940, the night before their first mass jump, U.S. paratroopers at Fort Benning watched the 1939 film Geronimo, in which the actor playing Geronimo yells his name as he leaps from a high cliff into a river, depicting a real-life escape Geronimo successfully attempted in which he jumped off Medicine Bluff at Fort Sill, Oklahoma, into the Medicine Creek with his Cadillac horse. Private Aubrey Eberhardt announced he would shout the name when he jumped from the airplane to prove he was not scared. The trend has since caught on elsewhere, becoming widely associated with any sort of high jump in popular culture. This unit was the first parachute battalion of the United States Army.