FedEx Blows

I can't begin to express the blinding hatred I have for FedEx at the moment. I don't know what kind of ignorant monkeys they've got working there (well, I know one kind), but they have got to be the most incompetent group of jackasses I've ever seen. Every time someone uses them to ship to me, it's a problem. This time they managed to not only find my building, but also get past the security gate. Both improvements. That's where the good times ended I'm afraid.


Since they keep trying to deliver in the middle of the day when I'm at work like the other 90% of the world, I'm obviously not there to sign for it. Yesterday they were unable to make it down to the office and deliver it there and so I left a big note on my door saying to deliver the package to the office. Well, I got home today to find another tag on my door telling me they won't do that.


But I'm getting ahead of myself. Back to yesterday when I found out they didn't drop it off at the office, I went online and entered the tracking number on the door tag only to have their web site tell me it's an invalid number. It was around this time that my eyes turned blood red and steam started coming out of my ears. I tried to call their 800 number to see if I could at least go pick it up, but didn't make it past "for English, press 1, para Espanol, press 2" before hanging up in disgust.

Back to the web site, where I composed a very acrimonious email noting my hatred of their horrible company and their worthless employees. That only made me feel a little better. I finished the email by asking them how much it would cost me to have them deliver the package to the closest UPS office and have UPS deliver it to me because they don't seem to have a problem getting me my packages.

Then came the tag on the door today stating that they would not deliver the package to the office despite my instructions. I tried their 800 number again, listened to their annoying menu, and not having any options to deal with my problem listed, I hit 0 in the hopes of getting a live person. This is the first and only thing that worked right.

I managed to keep from verbally abusing the phone jockey despite the fact that I vehemently hate him, and asked if I could just go pick up the package. Sure, no problem he said. I could pick it up on Monday if I got down there before 6 pm. My eye now twitching as I choked back the rage, I calmly asked why I couldn't pick it up tonight or sometime over the weekend only to be told that they aren't open after 6 or on the weekends. I told him that I don't get home until after 6 and there is no way I could possibly make it down there by then, and that's when he suggested I contact the shipper and have them remove the signature requirement.

Now I was ready to really blow up at this guy, but I'm proud to say I maintained my composure. As calmly as I could, I explained that I don't have any contact information for the shipper. Finally, the only compromise that could be reached is that they will now attempt one final delivery after 6 pm on Monday before sending it back. But if I come home on Monday and find another tag on my door, expect to see this headline on Tuesday morning's paper: 47 FedEx employees brutally slain.

I'm preparing for a blood bath. Avoid using Federal Express if at all possible.