Suck For Luck

I've got a couple new money making ideas for you.  I've been watching the Seahawks and wondering why in the world Pete Carroll has been starting the completely horrible Tarvaris Jackson.  I'm convinced that it's a plan to lose enough games that we can get the top pick in next year's draft and replace him with Andrew Luck.  So I'm thinking about printing up some t-shirts with Jackson's picture emblazoned with the phrase Suck for Luck and selling them outside the stadium.  The should go like hotcakes.  Speaking of which, are hotcakes still the big seller they were in the past?

Moving on, today a coworker suffering from a cold informed me she was running across the street to Bartell's to get some Airborne.  That's when inspiration struck.  I now have plans to manufacture and market a cure all boldly named Placebo.  The catch phrase will be, "it will cure whatever ailment you think it will."  I think the general population is so willing to buy placebos already that brazenly naming it Placebo will make it irresistible.  I think I will make the primary ingredient sugar for two reasons.  Sugar pills have been historically used as a placebo, and also I figure the sweet taste will make it that much more pleasing to the suckers, uh, customers. 

Brownie Humidor

They say that necessity is the mother of invention, and I currently have a necessity.  You see, this weekend I significantly underestimated the volume of brownies that the Costco mix would make.  Now I have more brownies than is safe for one man to eat and they are starting to dry out and get hard.  That is why somebody needs to invent the brownie humidor.  Years ago, when cigars were drying out and losing their flavor, someone stepped up and invented the humidor to keep them fresh.  All these decades later I find it hard to believe that no comparable item exists to keep my brownies moist, gooey, and delicious.  And it would work for other baked goods too:  cookies, turnovers, and even croissants.  I'm not sure a standard humidor would work, the crumbs and what not would get the wood too messy and would be difficult to clean.  Perhaps I need a walk in humidor in my kitchen.  I may have to contact a contractor.

Business Slippers

An idea struck me today for a product that I don't know why it doesn't already exist, or maybe it does and I just don't know where to find it - business slippers.  I would like to be able to wear my regular shoes to work and when I get to my desk, slip them off and put on a pair of slippers that look enough like business wear that I can get away with walking around the office in them when I need to get up and refill my coffee cup or go to a meeting.  Studies show that workers are more productive when they are more comfortable, and what would make you more comfortable than slippers?  And since the majority of my time in the office is spent with my feet under my desk, then who would be the wiser?  I also envision some high heeled slippers for the ladies. 

In completely unrelated news, and when I say completely unrelated I mean it, the new single from Disturbed is finally out - Another Way To Die.  I've given it a couple listens and it's not their best work but it's a solid effort.  I have to mark them down a little for being too politically correct though with their environmental themed message, not to mention rushing this to market in an attempt to capitalize on the BP oil spill.  I call bad form on that.  Anyway, watch it in glorious 720P!

Ken Griffey Jr Nightcap Night

Another brilliant marketing idea has come to the mind of Craw Fu.  Ken Griffey Jr Nightcap Night!  Imagine the nightcap on the left in Mariner colors with a Mariner logo on the front and possibly an image of a napping Griffey somewhere. 

For those of you that have been asleep the last few days, there has been controversy in Seattle as Ken Griffey Jr was allegedly unavailable to pinch hit because he was asleep in the clubhouse during the game.  Rather than the denials and threats against the anonymous players who made the allegations that are currently going on, the Mariners need to have some fun with this until it all blows over.  I know that the ownership isn't known for having a sense of humor, but it's time they learn to have one.  Attendance would be huge as half the city would want this collectors item. 

Oh, and I have never used photoshop, but if anyone wants to create a mock up of Griffey wearing a nightcap in Mariner colors I would love that.

Klingon Pimp

In a rare, 2 brilliant idea day, I've just decided that as soon as I learn the Klingon word for pimp, I will make a fortune by supervising a stable of Star Trek costumed call girls. After seeing this slide show, I realized that there are a whole multitude of dateless computer programmers with plenty of disposable income who are dying for the opportunity to live out their Captain Kirk fantasy of scoring with a green alien chick. Without this service, most of these poor men will never know the touch of a woman. Most will never even know what a woman's voice sounds like when she's not disgusted. A few discrete, well placed signs at each Star Trek convention is all it will take.

Once this idea takes off, I have plans to expand to medieval fair attendees and World of Warcraft players. I'm having business cards printed up right now.

Business Idea

I haven't come up with a name for this new business yet, but I think there are vast quantities of money to be made in the rent a man industry. Don't misunderstand, there is nothing physical involved in this business model, men will simply be available to listen to women complain and to sympathize with them. Say you are a married man and you don't care about what your wife has to say, yet she won't stop talking. Simply rent a man who will follow her around for a while occasionally saying, "uhuh" or, "how did that make you feel?" Or perhaps you're a single woman who chased your last man away because he wouldn't listen to you. Help is now just a phone call away. This is practically a license to print money. Millions of potential clients are in this country alone, and when I go international, my name will be mentioned along side Bill Gates, Jeff Bezos, and Warren Buffet. Now is your chance to get in on the ground floor of this exciting opportunity. I am now accepting venture capital.

Coffee Cologne

Today's brilliant marketing idea is aimed squarely at Starbucks. The only brand I can think of that is more willing to shamelessly whore itself out and slap it's name on any piece of junk they can is the Simpsons. And since Starbucks is so shameless, I think this idea is perfect for them. I love the smell of coffee and got to thinking this afternoon that I'd enjoy smelling like coffee all day long. Hence, coffee cologne. And you can talk about pheromones all you like, but for my money there is no more powerful aphrodisiac than good old java. This is sure to be a big seller. So here's to hoping that one day in the near future, I'll see some Starbucks cologne on store shelves.

Porta-Bowl

Yet another in a long line of brilliant ideas being offered up for free, I give you the porta-bowl. I'm envisioning a waterproof cloth bowl with a fold up wire frame that would easily flatten out and take up next to no room in my attache on the way to work. Then I could have soup every day. Or at least whenever I want. I'm sure such a product already exists somewhere, but I'm too busy and important to waste valuable seconds searching for it. Plus it would undoubtedly have a far less cool name.

Candy Hearts

I love candy hearts. Sure they are chalky, but so are Tums and I will admit that I like those too. I could eat candy hearts by the handful. While downing some today I began to think that they are kind of brittle and there must be a fair amount of breakage in the manufacturing process. I think they should take all these broken hearts and sell them to lonely people.

I thought this was a brilliant idea, but my test audience that I bounced the idea off of were less enthusiastic. One person claimed that creating a product to basically kick people when they are down is unlikely to be successful. Another claimed that such a product already exists but I have yet to verify that. I, however remain undaunted and firmly believe this idea is a winner.

Million Dollar Idea

This morning I saw an ad for some digital picture frames. Then I thought to myself, you know, people like to carry around pictures in their wallets, somebody should make a wallet sized digital picture frame. Shortly after it hit me - they already do make those - they're called cell phones and I've got one in my pocket already. And that's when I realized I haven't been getting enough sleep lately. It's also when I realized why I'm not a millionaire with ideas like that. Sooner or later something better will come to me.

Million Dollar Idea

While at the horrible Mariner game tonight, I was reminded of one of the brilliant ideas I had a while back but had forgotten about. I've forgotten more lucrative schemes than I can remember. And while that statement may seem obvious, if you really think about it, it turns out it doesn't have any deeper meaning.

But I digress. You see, tonight I found myself next to 4 of the most hyper, noisy, geeky, unbelievably annoying kids you could ever hope to not meet. And like so many horrible parents I've seen before, these particular ones decided to handle the situation not by telling them to be quiet or something that would seem reasonable, they bought each of them the largest size Mountain Dew available. What better way to deal with hyper kids than to get them jacked up on sugar and caffeine.

I know what you're thinking, but no my idea isn't to tazer kids like these and ship them off to Guantanamo Bay to be treated as the terrorists they are. As good an idea as that may be, it is a money costing idea and not a money creating one. My idea is to create candy and soft drinks that instead of being loaded with sugar and caffeine, contain sedatives. It all seems so obvious now that I can't believe that such a product isn't already on the market.

This brilliant idea is being offered free of charge. I'm not even asking for recognition after you've become independently wealthy. The simple knowledge that I've made the world a better place is reward enough.