Heinous Investment Advice

Andy Borowitz strikes once again, this time with his investment advice. I won't paste the whole thing here, but I will give you the tantalizing first paragraph.

If you’re one of those people who’d rather hide their money under a mattress
than give it to an investment adviser, you’re ignoring a basic economic fact:
Mattresses are expensive. Let's say you want to hide $500 under a mattress. A
queen mattress capable of hiding such a sum could run you as much as, say, $500.
Do the math: By the time you've paid for the mattress, you'll have no money left
to hide under it. Smart move, asshole.

I could have used some solid advice like this 6 months ago. It probably would have saved me a lot of money.