A Day In The Life ....

7:00 AM: Alarm goes off. I'm super tired and vow revenge on the world for being awake.

7:45 AM: There are 4 attractive women on the bus this morning. A fat middle aged woman sits next to me.

8:30 AM: Get off the elevator on my floor and am greeted by the higher up manager in town this week from Ohio who shall remain mostly nameless. She has never acknowledged my existence and I am temporarily stunned and suspicious why she is talking to me. Her last name is Rose and I now have the David Lee Roth song Yankee Rose stuck in my head. Attempt to dislodge it with some Tool but the success proves temporary.

10:00 AM: Sat through another boring meeting. In an attempt to liven things up I relay my story about the manager, throwing in a line that I think she flipped a coin and came up with the right name (there is currently only one other male in my department). Uproarious laughter follows. Learning from George Costanza I quit while I'm ahead.

11:00 AM: Get back to my desk and the toll free line, my direct line, and my cell phone all start ringing simultaneously. This is going to be a long day.

12:30 PM: On my way to get lunch, a man is weaving all over the sidewalk while poking at his blackberry like a confused monkey. I hate people who can't walk in a straight line and/or pay attention to where they are going, and as he approaches me I plan to put a shoulder into him. He looks up before he gets to me and avoids disaster.

12:34 PM: I plan on lunching at Belle Epicurean, which I have never tried before. As I approach it smells strongly of paint and I keep walking.

12:35 PM: An annoying couple walking behind me is acting all lovey-dovey. I resist the temptation to turn around and vomit on them.

12:36 PM: Building construction is blocking a good portion of the sidewalk. I give a solid shoulder bump to two consecutive pedestrians who apparently assume I will step out into the street so that they can have more room to saunter down the sidewalk.

12:45 PM: Gyros in hand, I nearly witness the flattening of a woman who is apparently unfamiliar with the red hand/green dude crosswalk convention and blindly steps in front of the route 43 bus. The loud shrieking of her friend saves her life as it causes her to jump back.

12:47 PM: A van is driving the wrong way down one way 4th Ave. Not a good idea.

1:07 PM: I begin wondering if I should stop labeling the times as am or pm as it doesn't really seem necessary. However precedent has been set.

2:46 PM: Lunch coma striking with full force. I really want a nap. But since I can't have one, I'll go get some more coffee.

3:23 PM: Mourned the untimely death of yet another celebrity, this time Benson - Britain's largest carp. Tragically, foul play is suspected.

5:20 PM: Resist the urge to yell Jumanji, as I do every day, when I see the 400 pound (estimated) woman running to be the first person on the bus so she can take up 2 seats. I really can't stand her.

5:29 PM: Witness a homeless man unabashedly urinating on a building. Not down an alley, not in a shaded area. Just right out in the open. I need to find a job on the East side.

6:08 PM: Home finally and I can't help thinking that I need some new dress clothes.

6:09 PM: Realize I'm too lazy to go to a store to buy some new clothes. Maybe some will magically appear in my closet.

7:27 PM: Need to do laundry and work out. Am watching the Mariners game instead.

7:29 PM: Former Mariner Miguel Olivo gets a single. I think there are more former M's on the Royals roster than there are Mariners currently on the M's roster. Yes, that's possible.

7:49 PM: Feeling like I'm crossing the line from regular lazy into cartoonish lazy, I opt for the lesser of the 2 evils and begin eradication of my laundry pile. I now feel productive, although I'm again reminded of my irritation at not having my own washer & dryer in my unit, not to mention having to have quarters on hand every time a wash is in order. What kind of world is this?

9:21 PM: There are two ambulances parked on the street outside my building. The flashing lights are lighting up my place. I can't tell what's going on but hope it's nothing too serious. For some reason I'm craving something sweet. I'm settling for crackers and cheese instead.

10:24 PM: Upon further review, I believe the vehicles which just left were not, in fact ambulances, but rather some kind of repair vehicles that looked a lot like ambulances. I base this on the fact that a third vehicle with some kind of cherry picker on it showed up. That being stated, all 3 just left and now I believe it's time to fall asleep to an episode of Pushing Daisies. I can't believe they cancelled such a wonderful show.

Thus concludes yet another uneventful day in the life of Scott.