Rules For Staying Young

Brought to you by Satchel Paige. And since he pitched in the major leagues until he was 59, I think he knows what he's talking about. From his autobiography Maybe I'll Pitch Forever:

1. "Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood."
2. "If your stomach disputes you, lie down and pacify it with cool thoughts."
3. "Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move."
4. "Go very light on the vices, such as carrying on in society—the social ramble ain't restful."
5. "Avoid running at all times."
6. "And don't look back—something might be gaining on you."

Giving up fried meats will be difficult, but hopefully I can successfully make the transition over to BBQ. As is I don't eat that many fried meats, but something is definitely angrying up my blood so maybe there is an additional culprit in my diet somewhere. Some have claimed that caffeine is to blame, but those people have all been killed.

My stomach doesn't often dispute me, but when it has I've always pacified it with Tums. I'll give cool thoughts a try next time but I'm not sure how effective it will be.

I'm not entirely sure how to jangle, but hopefully there is a video on youtube with explicit instructions on exactly how to go about this. I'd like to make some guesses on how to jangle about but honestly I don't know where to begin. My inability to jangle may be what puts me in an early grave and my tombstone will read, "here lies Scott because he was unable to jangle."

Numbers 4 and 5 are not a problem for me. Luckily my crippling anti-social behavior keeps me from the social ramble and my laziness and general hatred of running keep me from that vice. Which brings me to number 6. Due to my paranoia, I naturally assume that something or someone is gaining on me. I have my doubts that not looking back will remedy that. And to quote Richard Nixon, "just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you." At least I think it was Nixon that said that, correct me if I'm wrong.