Beautify Your Hole, Beautify Your Soul

I've been meaning to do my spring cleaning since, well, spring 2008. Since I haven't done a good thorough cleaning, the clutter has piled up and to quote the immortal Spinal Tap, I'm living in a hell hole. To quote the visionary Moe Syzlak if you beautify your hole, you beautify your soul. I need to get rid of the dank. I just can't seem to find the motivation. It's just so much easier to go somewhere else. There is just so much tidying up to do that it seems overwhelming. I think it might be time to start looking into maid service.

So right now I'm trapped in that eternal dilemma. On the one hand I'm anal enough that when I look at my place I'm repelled by the clutter but on the other hand I'm lazy and just don't seem to have the energy to do anything about it. I've been going with the doing a little bit at a time approach but don't seem to be making a dent. I've considered the time honored tradition of suckering friends over under false pretenses to enlist their aid in cleaning and straightening, but frankly I'm a little embarrassed to have people see my place in this condition. At this point I'm beginning to think that I just need a long enough stay at home vacation that I get bored enough to clean it all up. Until then, I guess my mantra will remain, "maybe next weekend...."

Top 10 Workout Songs

Borrowing a page from the Shelvis playbook and his love of top 10 lists, or list lust if you will, I bring you the top songs to get your blood pumping for a good workout. The order is subject to change without notice, but as of today here's how it all shakes out.

10. We'll start with the classic Eye of the Tiger. If it's good enough for Rocky, it's good enough for me. The one down side to this one is that thanks to one anonymous co-worker, it now reminds me of work. When I complained that his standard motivational catch phrase, "leverage for excellence" had grown stale and he needed to come up with something new, he obliged and made the switch to, "Eye of the Tiger." Hopefully this will not ruin the song for me.

9. The Jurassic Park Theme. I absolutely love this song and think that John Williams is hands down the greatest composer of our generation, if not of the century. It also doesn't hurt that conjuring images of running for my life from dinosaurs helps me kick the workout into an extra gear when I'm wearing down. It could be argued that his songs from Star Wars, Indiana Jones, or any of dozens of other films are better, but this one to me is particularly beautiful and emotional. The way it starts out slowly and by the end builds into melody is masterfully done. I never get tired of hearing it.

8. A Change of Seasons. I love Dream Theater, they have been my favorite band for years, and A Change of Seasons is one of the most amazing songs I've ever heard. But since it's 23 minutes long I can't find a full length clip of it, so here's Puppies on Acid instead.

7. Ten Thousand Fists is just a good, old fashioned rock song that gets the adrenaline pumping.

6. Tool has a lot of songs that are up tempo and motivating, but in my opinion Jambi is the cream of the crop. It's unbelievably intense and heavy. I have absolutely no idea what it's about and have no interest in reading the interpretations of the crazed Tool fans. I made that mistake when trying to get to the bottom of 46 & 2 and decided to never again step into that trap. If you don't want to listen to the whole thing, do yourself a favor and fast forward to the 3:58 mark and listen up through 5:25 or so for a good taste. Actually, you should probably just listen through to the end from there, you won't be able to stop once you start. Shine on benevolent son.

5. I've never been a big fan of Ozzy, but love No More Tears. Zakk Wylde turns in perhaps the greatest guitar solo in history in this song. And I absolutely love how the song slows at about the 3:30 mark to some melodic piano as whale sounds are added, then orchestra, then Ozzy speaking some gibberish building up into the solo.

4. Them Bones. Local boys Alice In Chains philosophical musings on the transience of life is short and sweet from the first note to the last grips you and doesn't let go. "Some say we're born into the grave, I feel so alone, gonna end up a big ol' pile of them bones." Kierkegaard couldn't have put it any better himself. Come to think of it, he probably could have.

3. The Korn songs that get me pumped up may change from day to day, but as of this moment I can't get enough of Evolution. I don't necessarily agree with their view on mankind's animalistic nature, but it is still a good song.

2. Panama. Van Halen is arguably the greatest rock band of all time and this is my favorite of their songs.

1. Too Close To Hate. I love Sevendust and this song about negative people trying to bring you down is one of the greatest songs I've ever heard. 'Nuff said.

1. Because I apparently can't count, Queensryche gets to share #1. Jet City Woman is one of my all time favorite songs. I love everything about this song, from the opening base line I'm hooked. The guitars join in and are followed by Geoff Tate's haunting vocals. I think he may have the greatest voice I've ever heard. This is a song I have to listen to whenever I'm away from home for more than a week. I absolutely love the video, with high speed camera views of the Seattle skyline with wispy clouds flying by overhead. It always reminds me of home. And seeing this song played live was an amazing experience. And getting off tangent just a bit, seeing Queensryche and Dream Theater share a stage was absolutely unbelievable.

Awesome vs Awful

I've done some more research on the awesome / awful debate, well, as much research as you really can do in about 5 minutes (the video is just over 4 minutes). But that's all I needed to find a lesson on English word origins from someone who speaks English as a second language. Don't let that dissuade you from believing her though. Just one look at her tells me I would sit riveted to the edge of my seat for hours on end listening to every bit of wisdom she has to impart. See for yourself.

Stuffed Olives

My latest obsession has become stuffed olives. I never liked pimentos, but when garlic stuffed olives began appearing on store shelves I was compelled to try them. Now I am truly hooked. It started with just an olive here and an olive there, but eventually that wasn't enough. I was eating them almost daily. And like any drug, this was just a gateway to harder olives. The next thing I knew I was eating bleu cheese stuffed olives and now feta stuffed olives. I've even considered buying some jalapeno stuffed olives. Where will the madness end? I found this site with seemingly no end of various items stuffed in olives. Some sound good, like almond stuffed or Parmesan Romano stuffed. Some sound terrible like mushroom stuffed or anchovy stuffed. And some are downright confusing, like the kalamata olive stuffed. That's right, an olive stuffed inside another olive for that double olive goodness.

Through all my internet searching, there's one item I am unable to find stuffed inside an olive. The holy grail of stuffed olives if you will. And it's so obvious that it should be on every store shelf in the world. And by every store shelf, I mean not just grocery stores and convenience stores, but at your local auto parts store, tanning salon, Christian book store, and Radio Shack. Anywhere with a shelf really. I can only be speaking, of course, of bacon stuffed olives. My only conclusion is that were such a product to exist, it's inherent deliciousness would threaten every other food product known to mankind. The only thing I have been able to find is a recipe for bacon wrapped olives. I may have to whip up a batch of these soon, but it's just not the same if I have to make them myself and if there are toothpicks involved. They should come premade in a jar for me to easily remove and pop in my mouth.

Pork Rub

And now for the low brow portion of today's blog. I saw this product at the store today and couldn't help but chuckle to myself. Yes, for a mere $7, you too can 'rub with love'. Some may do that for free, or may find that vaseline, hand lotion, or some other lubricant may be cheaper, but I can only imagine that the additional cost will make it worthwhile.

I apologize for the crudity and will now return to regularly scheduled programming.

I Don't Ask For Much In Life

All I really want is a steady job that keeps the bills paid, a roof over my head, food on the table, and of course a flaming sword with which to smite my enemies. Luckily for me, easy to follow directions can be found right here! Right now the only thing keeping me from running screaming down the street wielding one of these bad boys is the fact that I don't have a sword. As soon as I am able to remedy that problem, watch for me on the local news.

There is but one word to adequately describe this: awesome.

Getting off on a tangent here, why isn't awful better than awesome? Shouldn't being full of awe be better than just having some awe? Seems that way to me at least.

Ow My Toe Says Joh

That's right, Kenji Johjima broke his toe and is back on the DL. At first I thought this could turn out to be good news in that it would force the Mariners to give some playing time to one of their catching prospects, preferably Jeff Clement. But in yet another head scratching personnel move by the team, they instead called up Guillermo Quiroz from AA. Quiroz, at 27, is no longer a prospect, and in 96 career major league games has managed a paltry .187 average. The one wild card I didn't know about was that Clement is suffering from a knee injury which is limiting him to DH, so calling him up wouldn't make much sense, but calling up rising star Adam Moore would. And just so you don't think I'm crazy, the USS Mariner agrees with me for once. But who knows, maybe Quiroz will prove everybody wrong any play great. One can only hope.

The Godfather

Over the weekend I had the honor of becoming the Godfather of my beautiful little niece. Technically it's my cousin's daughter so she's a second cousin once removed or something, but that's too complicated so niece it is. Anyway, like most women, she cried most of the time she was around me, but I've become accustomed to that reaction and continued on undaunted. I put the Godfather trilogy into my Netflix queue to brush up on my responsibilities, but to the best of my recollection I will be putting lots of disembodied horse heads into beds, whacking goombas (I'm not sure if this term is offensive or not, so if it is I'll change it to something else), and making people offers they can't refuse.

The one downside of the whole event was that it involved a trip to Oregon and I'm really not a fan of long distance driving. By the time I hit Olympia I'm ready to call it a day. And while the state patrol was doing an impressive job of creating revenue, they weren't out in enough force to keep every knucklehead in line, but what can I really expect. I must have seen a dozen people pulled over on the way down. The one ray of hope that made the journey tolerable was the discovery of Portland radio station 105.9 which played commercial free 80's rock all weekend long. That and the other station somewhere in the neighborhood of 107 that had their own marathon going - cleverly named the Organ Trail. Nothing but organ music for hours on end. I have a new found respect for Oregonians.

Sadly, I didn't make it out to Tillamook to eat cheese. I guess that will have to wait until next time. And hopefully by then my little buddy will no longer weep at the sight of me. And I believe that the only pictures that exist of me holding her this weekend she has tears streaming down her little cheeks.

New And Improved Hubble

If you're a fan of space photos like the Sombrero Galaxy shown here, then you owe it to yourself to check out some of the pictures taken by the newly upgraded Hubble telescope. Some of them are pretty spectacular.

Who I'd Like To Meet

In the inaugural edition of who I'd like to meet, my subject is Preston Tucker. Best known for starting his own auto company, the Tucker Corporation and the car that bore his name. Unfortunately only 50 of these innovative cars were ever produced. The Tucker Sedan or Tucker Torpedo as it was also known, featured several innovative design and safety features, some of which were adopted by other auto manufacturers, some that weren't. Before other cars, it had disc brakes, fuel injection, seat belts, and 3 headlights: one in the center that always faced forward, and 2 that would turn with the wheel, allowing the driver to better see around corners. All this and it outperformed other production vehicles. As a matter of fact, when test driving his cars, Tucker was known to outrun and out handle police that were trying to chase him down and ticket him.

The car was not his only achievement. He designed an armored combat vehicle for the military which was ultimately rejected because it was too fast, hitting top speeds of 115 mph. But it wasn't a total loss, the motorized ball turret that he built atop the combat vehicle was licensed by the air force and used in bombers.

In a premise put forward by the movie Tucker: The Man and His Dream, he was forced out of business by overly aggressive government investigators in the pockets of the threatened big 3 auto makers. I don't know how much of that is truth and how much is Hollywood, but what is known is that government officials prosecuted him with a religious fervor and though he was eventually acquitted of all fraud charges, he was left bankrupt.

What I find fascinating about Preston Tucker and men like him is his combination of having a vision of something better and a drive and ability to overcome obstacles to realize his dream. I can't even imagine starting with nothing and building your own auto company - it is completely incomprehensible. And having the will power to know what you want and find a way to make it happen is the American dream. This country is all about people making something out of nothing, and Preston Tucker very nearly succeeded at building something tremendous from the ground up. He was an amazing man and someone I would have loved to meet. As soon as I get my hands on a time machine, I'm heading back to 1948 Detroit.