Another Friday Night

It's kind of a sad state of affairs that the only date I can get on a Friday night these days is with Shelvis. That's right, Shelvis and I went out to the Mariner game, and oddly enough, he wasn't a whole lot of help in attracting women. As a matter of fact, a good portion of the night was spent being mercilessly elbowed while hearing, "I hope she bends over" or some similar phrase. That's right folks, Shelvis is a dirty old man. I hope you were sitting down for that shocker.

Now for me, the most entertaining portion of the game came when 2 middle aged women sat down in the seats next to me. That's when the Shelvis pep talk started. It started out with, "those women are so gettable. I guarantee you they are divorced and looking for some action." From there it progressed to, "A little weed and they are all yours. I've got enough in my pants right now to get you in the door."

At this point, I'd like to say for the record, that when I start looking to Shelvis for dating advice, I have officially hit rock bottom, and I hope that someone will step in and get me the help I need. That is just one step away from moving out into a shack in the woods, living like a hermit, and beginning work on my manifesto. Fear not though, when I do get to that point, I will freely share my manifesto via this blog. Stay tuned.

Anyway, back to the game. I was fortunate enough to hear the pitiful pickup attempt from a guy sitting behind me. I don't remember exactly what was said, but this is a pretty close approximation:

Pitiful Dude: You know, I build skyscrapers for a living.
Woman: Cool
Pitiful Dude: It's true, I really do build skyscrapers.
Woman: I believe you. I said cool.....
Pitiful Dude: Well, believe it or not, most women think that's pretty hot.
Woman: Uh huh.......

It was at this point that I was tempted to jump in with 'you know, I sell insurance for a living', but then I remembered, oh yeah, women aren't impressed with that. And I don't actually sell insurance. And then I'd be left in the awkward position of trying to describe what I actually do and I would come off as just as pitiful as the skyscraper builder, who I assume is actually a lowly construction worker who has worked on a high rise before.

I was also disappointed to find out that years of smoking have left Shelvis incapable of unleashing his trademark ear splitting boo anymore. For those of you who have never heard that, it was a thing of beauty. And in the old days, when the M's were only drawing 15k, the boo could be heard by everyone in the Kingdome. It was a deep, heartfelt boo that came from the diaphragm. It was so powerful that the hate and animosity were actually tangible. The reverberations would hit you, and you would actually feel the hate yourself. It's sad to know I've heard that for the last time.

Wrapping things up, I got to see the M's extend their winning streak to 6 games. I thought I might get to see a fight break out as some raucous Toronto fans got shouted down with chants of U.S.A, U.S.A., and other various taunts and threats that it's probably better if I don't repeat. I don't know why, but the Canadian fans that come down to see Toronto like to get a little drunk and rowdy, and generally piss off the usually mild mannered Mariner fans. I just enjoy seeing the M's fans get a little fired up about something. It's pretty sad that appearances by the Moose and Captain Plastic draw the most crowd attention at a lot of games.

And just remember, Shelvis: not a good role model for anyone. But thanks for going to the game with me. We'll have to hit another one before the season is up.

Joe Montana and Ronnie Lott

Here it is, the funniest commercial I've ever seen. The commercial that put the phrase 'boy howdy' into my lexicon.

New Music

I can't seem to get enough of this song lately. Paralyzer by Finger Eleven.




Also I really am into Evolution by Korn and I will even admit to liking Life Is Beautiful by Sixx AM (featuring Nikki Sixx). I know I shouldn't admit to that last one, but what the hell.

I'm tempted to get tickets to the Pain in the Grass show coming up in August. Featuring Godsmack, Buckcherry, Candlebox (who I thought had broken up long ago since I haven't heard anything from them in about a decade), the above mentioned Finger Eleven, and some other bands. Should be a pretty good show, but it's at Cheney Stadium and I'm not sure I want to drive all the way to Tacoma for that.

Ghost Rider

I know I promised a full blown Ghost Rider review, but I just don't think I'm ever going to get around to it, so here's the half-assed version.

I'll start out with the positives. The drop dead gorgeous Eva Mendes was in it, showing off her cleavage throughout the film. The only way I could like her any more is if she agreed to change her name to Eva Crawford. Please take the time to enjoy this picture of her:

And now I'll try my best to focus on the film. The bike was damn cool. The Ghost Rider character looks pretty cool in still pictures.

That's it for the positives. The story made little sense, what there was of it. There was no character development for any characters other than Johnny Blaze, which is a really dumb name by the way. The villains in the movie were not at all scary or threatening. Particularly the main villain - the son of the devil - who came across like a pale, whiny yuppie. The special effects weren't all that special. And finally, I really got tired of Nick Cage mugging for the camera in every scene.

So there you have it. Or part of it at least. It is every bit as bad as you can possibly imagine. But, if you're like me and have a huge crush on Eva Mendes, it may be worth the torture.

Red Sox Suck

With the Red Sox in town to play the Mariners, I thought I would take this opportunity to remind everyone of my blinding hatred of the Red Sox. Those idiots can't eve spell their name right. How am I supposed to have any respect for them? And when the nauseating Ben Afflek starts getting all blubbery talking about them, I could just puke. So let's all hope for a Mariner sweep.

Quote of the Day

If Elvis was still alive, he'd be dead by now.

The Boy Is Back In Town

No, this has nothing to do with the Thin Lizzy song, my brother (aka 'the boy') is finally back from his 7 year (I think) exile to Dearborn Michigan. Having now been to Michigan a few times, I have to wonder what took him so long to get out. Other than the Henry Ford Museum, Greenfield Village, and delicious delicious bakeries everywhere you look, there isn't much worthwhile out there. I guess there is one other good thing: it is only about a 2 hour drive to Cedar Point in Sandusky Ohio. For those of you who don't know, Cedar Point is the roller coaster capital of the world, and the best damn amusement park I've ever been to. I guess I'll have to rent a hotel if I ever want to go back again. Unless somebody else I know moves out there and wants to put me up for a few days. But I digress...... I am happy to have him back in the area.

It is odd that he came back to town the same weekend as The Kid (Griffey for those non-baseball jerks out there). I got to see the M's beat him twice this weekend, and hopefully will purge all memory of that Friday night debacle before long. That was easily the most horrific baseball game I've ever been to. I should have known better than to go to that game though. I thought it would be easy to hop a bus from work (in the U-district) to downtown. Well, it was all smooth sailing until we hit Stewart. And after taking almost 15 minutes to get from one stop to the next - 4 blocks away - I looked at my watch and saw it was 10 minutes to 6 and figured I better get off the damn bus and get down to a Starbucks before every coffee shop in the city closed. I've tried to get a cup of coffee at 6:05 before in downtown and know from experience that it is impossible. I hate that.

Anyway, I got off the bus at 5th and Stewart and hit the Westlake Starbucks for my caffeine fix, and then proceeded to walk to the stadium from there. Surprisingly it didn't take that long. And along the way, I got to pass through scenic Pioneer Square, where I got to see the worst looking cross dresser I've ever seen (with a nice 5 o' clock shadow going), had several exceptionally smelly transients ask me for money, and got accosted by a gang of scantily clad hot women in front of Seahawks Stadium who all wanted to 'Tag' me (spray me with Tag body spray). I politely declined, although if their advertising is true, I could have skipped the game and made out with all those women since Tag makes me irresistible to women. If I'd only known that it would all be downhill from there, I would have gladly called it a night and gone home then.

Other things that occured to me this weekend: my hatred for the Mariners management grows every time I hear Cotton Eye Joe or Don't Stop Thinkin About Tomorrow. It's just a matter of time before I hear one of those songs one too many times and erupt in a massive explosion of uncontrollable rage and go on a killing spree. Also, what the hell is the deal this year with the M's playing We Want The Funk and flashing Funk Blast on the scoreboard every time someone hits a home run? Does this make sense to anyone? What started out as odd and confusing has quickly turned irritating and confusing. This may lead to me eating a lot of burritos and dropping my own funk blast on the music director's desk.

Ugly Dogs

If you are a fan of cute puppies, don't look at this link. These are some of the ugliest dogs I have ever laid eyes on.

Hail To The King Baby

It was on this date (June 22) in 1958 that beloved actor Bruce Campbell was born. Happy birthday. And a reminder to all of you out there (and there shouldn't be any) who haven't seen Army of Darkness yet, run down to your nearest video store and buy a copy and watch it immediately.

"Are all men from the future loud mouth braggarts?"

"Nope, just me baby."

Media Player

Now this is one cool gizmo. I should have held off getting an ipod and waited for the Archos 705 to come out. Basically a portable DVR, it comes in configurations up to a 7" screen and up to 160 GB hard drive. A hi definition display, wi-fi enabled, capable of web browsing. This has me salivating. It would sure make the bus riding experience more tolerable. So if anyone wants to know what to get me for my birthday......