Craw Fu

Prince Fielder

2012-01-25T00:17:00.000-08:00

Prince Fielder is now officially a Detroit Tiger and any Mariners fans holding out hope that we would sign him can close that book now. And before the ink dried on the 9 year $214,000,000 contract, I let out a sigh of relief that the Mariners didn't spend that ridiculous amount of money on him. He will most likely be quite productive for the next few years, but you can't deny the fact that a huge, long term contract and a fat man who loves his lucky gravy and dislikes exercise is a bad combination. I wish Prince and the Tigers the best of luck, but I can almost guarantee you that in less than 5 years the rest of MLB will be thankful they don't have that albatross around their necks.

In other news, it is very windy tonight. It's noisy enough that I think I'll have trouble sleeping, and I fear a power outage. High winds after the ground has been softened by substantial precipitation is a recipe for trees falling on power lines. And no power in January is a recipe for a cold Scott.

Finally, I got some coupons in the mail from the brand new Little Caesars that just opened up in Kirkland, and after a discussion with friends as to whether or not this is a good thing (of course it is), I came to the realization that I think I like cheap pizza. As long as it's not Dominos. I know that every few years they claim they've improved their quality and it doesn't suck anymore, but I still don't want any. Little Caesars, though, does remind me of better times - eating lots of it during college. I must admit I'm a little disappointed that it's not square anymore though.

Resident Evil

2012-01-22T21:06:00.000-08:00

I was just watching the Resident Evil 6 trailer online. The game won't come out until November, so it seems like this is awfully early to be starting up the hype machine. Anyway, as I was watching it, I started thinking that since guns aren't very effective against zombies, some kind of weapon that they get tangled up in and keeps them from moving would be more effective. Something like a netting. Then for some reason I thought that Spiderman would be a very effective superhero for fighting zombies because of his web slinging. He could either shoot the zombies with a mouthful of web so they can't bite anyone, or he could shoot them in the legs and trip them up so they couldn't walk. Now I can't help wondering why, in a time when theaters are inundated with both superhero movies and monster movies, there hasn't yet been a fusion of the genres. I think I would like to see Spiderman vs The Zombies. Moreover, I'm interested in seeing a superhero get bitten by a zombie (or vampire or werewolf, etc), becoming a superzombie. What would be scarier than Superman becoming a flying zombie? Nothing, that's what. I'm not sure the entire Justice League could stop a zombie Superman. The only hope for the world would be Spiderman getting him all tangled up in a web. Again it all comes back to Spidey. Anyway, all you Hollywood executives who are reading this, be sure to give me some free tickets when such a movie hits theaters.

Moving right along, I saw a ton of movie previews while watching playoff football games today, and for the most part they looked pretty bad. Ghost Rider was a terrible movie, how in the world does a sequel get greenlit? It boggles the mind. There's absolutely no way I can imagine part 2 being anything but a bomb. Ditto for the equally abysmal Clash of the Titans. I'd say Wrath of the Titans looks like a career killer, yet somehow the producers have managed to bring back most of the big names from the original cast. But at least it will be in 3D!

Which brings me to my next tangential topic: am I the only one who is beginning to think of 3D as a massive gimmick? The majority of movies shot in 3D to date have been pretty bad, and yes I'm including Avatar in that list. While visually stunning, the movie itself was quite bad. But my point is that it has gotten to where I more or less write off a movie if I see it advertised as 3D. The previously mentioned Ghost Rider 2 and Wrath of the Titans will almost certainly be bombs. The latest iteration of Underworld is currently receiving unfavorable reviews. And Journey 2 - the sequel to Journey To The Center Of The Earth doesn't look good, and even though it only has 10 reviews so far on Rotten Tomatoes and it's too early to officially declare it rotten, only 4 of those 10 have been favorable. Which should come as no surprise with The Rock starring in it. I'm sure he's made a watchable movie, but off the top of my head I can't think of what that movie was. Long story short, I feel like 3D has become a crutch to prop up low quality movies, and just as we now look back of 3D movies from the 50's and think they are cheesy as hell, coming generations will look back at 3D movies of our time and think of them as equally cheesy.

Over the last few days, I watched the 6 episodes of Portlandia that are available streaming on Netflix, and I'm unimpressed. It's a fabulous concept, gently poking fun at some of the self important fringe members of society (who are prevalent in the entire Pacific Northwest, not just Portland), but it fails in it's execution. There are an abundance of vegans, burned out hippies, people who want to live in a commune, belligerent bicyclists who hate anyone who drives a car, and countless others who derive a sense of self worth out of some action or ideal and rightly deserve a little skewering to deflate their egos. It's not mean spirited, it's some good natured ribbing, so no one should take offense, but the simple fact of the matter is that the show just isn't funny. After sitting through six episodes, I can think of only one moment that made me laugh. The series just feels very forced and tedious to me.

Finally, I'll finish up my entertainment rant by saying that I recently found out about a movie titled Tucker & Dale vs Evil. It's a relatively low budget horror/comedy and it was surprisingly humorous and enjoyable. It gets the coveted Craw Fu seal of approval.

John Rabe

2012-01-20T23:43:00.000-08:00

Ever since reading Iris Chang's book The Rape of Nanking several years ago, I've been interested in learning more about the topic. I've seen a few film like Black Sun: The Nanking Massacre and Nanking as well as reading what I could find online. But since these sources focused on the atrocities committed during the Japanese occupation of Nanking, I was excited to see a movie made about John Rabe, head of the international safety zone committee in Nanking.

I've had this movie in my Netflix queue for quite a long time, but have put off watching it for a couple reasons. First, the content is somber and gut wrenching, similar to Schindler's List, so I felt I had to be in the right mood to watch it. Second, since John Rabe was a German businessman, I expected the movie to be in German and had to be in the mood to read subtitles. As luck would have it, about half of the movie was in English so I didn't have nearly as much reading as I had anticipated. I would estimate 40% was in German and 10% in Japanese. I actually found it quite odd that a movie set in China would contain virtually no Chinese dialogue.

That said, the backstory of this film is that in 1937, early in WWII, the Japanese military invaded China, and in it's conquest and subsequent occupation of the city of Nanking, committed unspeakable atrocities against the city's residents. In a move of desperation, John Rabe, along with several other foreign businessmen, missionaries, doctors, and professors founded an 'international safety zone' - a demilitarized refuge in the city for the civilian residents to remain safe. Using whatever political connections, international media attention, or other pressure they could muster, the got the Japanese army to agree to remain out of the zone. Despite helping to save the lives of over 200,000 Chinese civilians, John Rabe was subsequently arrested upon his return to Germany in 1938 for his attempts to pursuade the German government to intervene. Following the war, he was stripped of his work permit by Allied forces for his membership in the Nazi party and died penniless. One final tragedy.

This film is based on the diary of John Rabe, and from what I know of the subject is fairly historically accurate. It does not dwell on the carnage of the massacre, but rather the individuals involved in creating the safety zone and the struggle to maintain it. Since the safety committee members are so diverse - some German, some British, some American, there is a great deal of friction among themselves that must be overcome in addition to the struggles of protecting and providing for an enormous group of refugees. Nowhere is this more evident than in the interplay between Rabe and Dr Robert Wilson, played by Steve Buscemi (the lone actor I recognized). Their mutual dislike is palpable and yet the respect for each other's dedication allows for enough common ground for them to work together. The acting is superb, and I felt that the interplay between Rabe and Wilson in particular shined.

I enjoyed the cinematography, and one particular technique which I found quite effective was when a scene would start in grainy black and white, making it appear like archival footage, and as the scene progressed would slowly transform into full color. It was used a few times and I felt it added gravitas to the scene and made it feel more genuine. And while the film slowed at times, overall I thought the pacing was about right. It allowed time for the emotions to sink in before rushing off to the next scene.

I feel like there is a lot more I should say, but mostly I think that the story is an important one and the script is well written. Ultimately I found John Rabe to be a very powerful and poignant film. It's a reminder that one man or a small group of individuals can stand up to overwhelming odds and make a very real difference. It manages to be both tragic and uplifting at the same time. While certainly not a feel good movie by any means, it is still an important movie to watch.

White Coffee

2012-01-18T20:07:00.001-08:00

After much curiosity and some reading on the internet, I finally decided to try some white coffee. What I learned before diving in is that white coffee is basically a very light roast. It is still comprised of arabica beans like any good coffee, but they are roasted barely beyond green, I don't believe even until the first crack. You see, green coffee beans have a sheath around them, and during the roast the beans expand in size until the sheath explodes, making a cracking sound, not unlike popcorn popping. If roasted for long enough, the beans will crack a second time as the beans themselves break apart.

With the roasting basics out of the way, it's time to talk about what's really important: how it brews. For starters, white coffee doesn't smell like traditional coffee, it has a mild aroma of peanut butter. After brewing, the peanut smell remains but it also has an earthy scent - kind of grassy. The shots are quite different than a traditional espresso shot too, a light caramel color with a high degree of transparency.

But how does it taste, you ask? It should come as no surprise that along with a mild aroma and mild color, it also has a mild flavor. And like the aroma, it also has a nutty, earthy flavor. I would say similar to green tea with a hint of peanuts. Based on the caramel coloring, I decided to make my first drink a caramel macchiato. It turned out ok, but because of the mild flavor it lacked the rich fullness of traditional espresso roast. I also made a mocha and again, it was too mild. The benefit for those who want a good buzz but don't care for coffee is that white coffee has a higher caffeine content. Two drinks got me fairly wired. I could see it catching on with the folks who add copious amounts of flavored syrups and sugar to mask the coffee flavor. I don't think it will ever sway those who love the rich, deliciousness of dark roasted coffee, however.

Ode To Snow

2012-01-15T19:18:00.000-08:00

I love snow. I love that it covers the filthy world with a blanket of white, taking what was once corrupt and making it appear pure and clean. It provides insulation, quieting all the noise and giving the world a peaceful quiet. Even road noise is reduced to a gentle muffled crunching of snow. As long as drivers don't run into anything, at which point there is a loud crunching of metal. When it snows, the world slows down, the stresses of daily life disappear, kids are outside playing, and adults are smiling and relaxed. For a brief couple of days, the world is a better place. People are friendlier and everything is more beautiful. We are afforded a glimpse of how the world should be. Yes, snow is one of life's little miracles. Not to mention that it's pretty sweet to nail some unsuspecting fool in the side of the head with a tightly packed snowball.

Hmmm

2011-12-27T22:28:00.000-08:00

I saw this picture accompanying an ad on Facebook telling me to browse church girls on christianmingle.com. Maybe it's just me, but 'church girls' isn't the first thing that springs to mind when I see this photo. Nor does it make me feel like I'm the target demographic, unless it's suggesting I can expect to find myself in a good, wholesome threesome. Granted, it is fairly tame by Facebook standards, but still not the image I would think most churches would be advocating.

Also, I'm now considering starting a band named Wholesome Threesome.

The Grinch

2011-12-22T14:10:00.000-08:00

Last night my Christmas viewing spree continued unabated with How The Grinch Stole Christmas. The original cartoon version, not the terrible Jim Carrey version. Anyway, the point is that early on in the show, the narrator kept going on and on about how what the Grinch hated most about the Whos down in Whoville is the noise. Quoth the Grinch, "That's one thing I hate! All the noise, noise, noise, noise!"

Well, this reminded me that on nearly a daily basis, I complain about the noisy people in my office. But rather than feel like a Grinch, I found that this made him more relateable and sympathetic. The Grinch wasn't really a bad guy, he was just a private man who enjoyed quiet and solitude but was continually pestered by his noisy and inconsiderate neighbors. Yes, I would gladly steal Christmas from some of my co-workers if it would get them to shut the hell up.

This got me thinking: a lot of offices have a 'secret Santa' program around this time of year where people anonymously give gifts. Well, I think I'm going to start a 'secret Grinch' program in my office. I am going to go around and anonymously steal people's roast beast and whatever other things strike my fancy, while leaving behind a business card saying, "courtesy of the Grinch." I realize that publicly stating this may reduce the anonymity somewhat, but that's a risk I'm willing to take if this thing is ever going to catch on. And since I don't work with any children, only adults that act like children, there are no Cindy Lou Whos to guilt me into giving stuff back and making my heart grow 3 sizes - a serious medical condition known as cardiomegaly, by the way, which claims lives each year, yet more evidence that the Whos are insidious - I won't be giving anything back. Anything I take will be mine forever. Eventually I will have some peace and quiet.

Dorito Taco

2011-12-20T16:15:00.000-08:00

News has just reached me that Doritos and Taco Bell have joined forces to create the healthiest food in North America: the taco made out of a Dorito taco shell. Taco Bell had to tone down the spices it usually puts in it's "beef" for this concoction, presumably to prevent any flavor attacks or flavor overdoses. Still, I don't see any way this could go wrong, other than orange fingers, heart disease, obesity, etc. You know, the usual.

Were there a Taco Bell within walking distance of my office, I would have tried one of these already. Circumstances as they are, however, you will have to wait until an unspecified later date for a full report. If anyone has already tried one of these, or if any Taco Bell employees happen to read this and are willing to offer me a free one in return for a full review for an audience of at least 4 people, contact me immediately. That said, I may have to hit up Taco Bellevue on the way home tonight.

Happy Hanukkah

2011-12-20T15:15:00.000-08:00

Today marks the official start of Hanukkah, so happy Hanukkah to any and all Jewish friends out there. In an attempt to learn more about the holiday, I recently watched The Hebrew Hammer. Adam Goldberg stars as an orthodox Jewish hero nicknamed the Hebrew Hammer who is on a mission to save Hanukkah after Damian Claus (son of Santa) vows to eradicate the holiday after murdering his father and seizing control of Christmas. Unfortunately I didn't learn much about Hanukkah from this movie, but I did learn a lot about what makes a movie bad. After sitting through the whole mess, I decided to go to Wikipedia instead, hopefully the entry there is accurate.

Quote of the Day

2011-12-12T16:37:00.000-08:00

"It's [Christmas] a poor excuse to pick a man's pocket every 25th of December." - Ebenezer Scrooge

Conan The Barbarian

2011-12-10T19:43:00.000-08:00

The original Conan the Barbarian was a masterpiece. Since remakes of classics are typically sketchy at best, I approached this remake with trepidation. The horrible reviews and bad trailers only added to the concern and lowered expectations. As it turns out, my expectations were not low enough, Conan was absolutely abysmal in every way.

I didn't expect or even want a scene for scene remake, but the only things this disaster had in common with the original are a character named Conan whose parents were killed by marauders and leaving him to spend his life in pursuit of vengeance. Apart from that, the remake is completely unrecognizable from the original. As a matter of fact, that's pretty much the only plot involved. All plot development could have been squeezed into less than 10 minutes. The movie consisted of 2 minutes of plot followed by 20 minutes of boring and pointless action, repeated for 2 hours.

How can action scenes be boring? No character development. If you don't know and/or don't care who the characters are, you really don't care who they are fighting or why. For example, in one scene a sorceress casts a spell causing 'dirt people' to rise up from the sand and attack Conan. They all looked exactly the same, and when one would get killed, it would dissolve back into sand and another would rise to replace it. It didn't take long before I started wondering, "how many of these things does he have to kill before we can get back to the story?" The answer is: way too many.

The endless waves of disposable characters who look the same and you know nothing about is endemic of the lack of character development. Conan is the only character I can name. All we ever learn about him is that his parents, along with everyone in his village, were killed and he is seeking revenge. They were killed by some guy, probably meant to look scary but he's not, who had a magic mask with which he plans to take over the world. Among his minions is his daughter, a sorceress who is given a laughable hair style and costumes and covered in tattoos, also most likely in a failed attempt to make her look scary. Her persistent posturing and scowling results in her coming across more as an emo/goth teen though. There's another big, scary villain played by Bob Sapp, former University of Washington offensive lineman (and Bear and Viking) turned pro wrestler turned mixed martial artist. He was the best part of the movie despite the fact that I know nothing about his character. Rounding out the characters in descending order of memorability are the damsel in distress turned love interest, the villain who had his nose cut off by Conan, and the thief. None of them with any back story, name, or any other information about them.

With a large budget, you'd expect at least quality special effects and costumes, but again you'd be disappointed. As previously mentioned, the costumes that were meant to make guys look intimidating instead made them look ridiculous. The special effects are passable, but not what you'd expect from a big budget movie. Some of the scenery and monsters looked good, but others looked obviously fake. In all, the result is worse than an episode of Hercules or Xena Warrior Princess. The acting and script in this mess weren't even up to par. So if you're a Conan fan and hoping that the reviews are mistaken and you can re-capture some of the magic of the original, give up hope. Conan The Barbarian is one of the worst movies I've ever seen.

Friday

2011-12-10T17:36:00.001-08:00

Friday I got home at a reasonable hour but wasn't in the mood to spend a lot of time in the kitchen so I decided to whip up something quick & easy: pizza. I started with Flat-Out™ flat bread, covered it with olive oil instead of tomato sauce, then added colby/jack cheese since I don't have any mozzarella. To complete the masterpiece, I threw on pepperoni, bacon bits, onions and olives. Then sprinkled parmesan over the works and threw it in the oven. Turned out great.

Thursday

2011-12-08T22:12:00.000-08:00

Again I got home late and didn't have time to cook. As soon as I got home I headed to Costco which, for the record, was the least crowded I've ever seen it. I walked right up to a cashier without waiting in line. It was awesome. At least until I got back to the parking lot where idiots were still plentiful. Lazy people were still stopped waiting for a parking spot even though parking was plentiful. One woman was blocking the parking lot and cars were backed up to the street when someone finally drove around her. This prompted the woman in the minivan to start honking lime crazy, floor it up to where the guy parked one aisle away and gave him the finger and started yelling. What is the matter with people? From there it was straight to the dojo for a work out. Long story short, I didn't get home until 9:30 and at that point I just cheated and ate the Caesar salad I got at Costco. The only addition I made was slivered almonds.

Wednesday

2011-12-07T19:39:00.001-08:00

Monday & Tuesday nights I got home late and didn't have time to cook and just reheated leftover pulled pork for fajitas again. It's all gone now though so I was forced to cook up a little stir fry. Some chicken, carrots, peas, and broccoli simmered in hot chili oil and eventually drown in general Tso's sauce. I wish I had some chow mein noodles to throw on top, but alas I have none. Also no egg rolls or gyoza on the side, but maybe next time after I've done some shopping. For now this will have to do.

Volume II: What Else Goes In Me

2011-12-04T19:20:00.000-08:00

Tonight I just finished eating some baked chicken breast. I added broccoli, cauliflower, and garlic cloves before baking. I sprayed the whole works with a mist of olive oil, then added seasoning salt which, according to the label, is comprised of sea salt, pepper, garlic, onion, carrot, chives, and chili powder. It tasted wonderful.

Breakfast Salad

2011-12-04T13:51:00.000-08:00

I've been considering this for a while now, and with various lunch foods making in roads to the breakfast menu, I've got one more that I think should make the transition. The breakfast salad. Burritos and sandwiches have become mainstays of the breakfast menu despite having no business being eaten before noon, so why not the salad too? The way I see it, there will be a base of lettuce, topped by scrambled eggs, a little bacon or sausage, croutons (since they are essentially toast), and topped with a little gravy. I'm a little iffy on using gravy instead of salad dressing, but if gravy is acceptable for other breakfast foods (grits 'n gravy, biscuits 'n gravy, on top of chicken fried steak), then it seems a more logical choice than ranch dressing or raspberry vinaigrette.

In order to provide full disclosure, I'll admit that I have yet to try such a concoction, it's only in the theoretical phase of development at this point. One day soon, however, I expect to see it on restaurant menus as a healthier breakfast alternative to a breakfast burrito.

What Goes In Me

2011-12-03T18:12:00.001-08:00

In what is currently planned as a week long series, I will document what I eat for dinner each day. Why, you ask? Because I'm bored and no longer have anything else worthwhile to share. Also because you are what you eat and some may wonder what exactly makes me so great. Oh, and also to dispel the myth that my mother seems to gave that all I eat are frozen pizza, microwavable burritos, hot pockets, ramen noodles, etc.

On the menu today are fajitas. Made from pulled pork with some onions & bell peppers sauteed in hot chili oil to make them a little spicy. Some shredded cheese is thrown on top before the whole thing is wrapped up in a low carb tortilla. Delicious.

My Dream

2011-12-01T17:24:00.001-08:00

Listening to Rich Eisen talk about the 500+ roster moves that Pete Carroll and John Schneider have made for the Seahawks since they took over less than 2 years ago (and the 40-50 more that he estimates it will take to make the Seahawks good) reminds me of a dream of mine that was born less than 2 years ago. I want to be signed and released by the Seahawks. I don't have to play, or even practice with the team. It doesn't need to be during the season. I don't even need to get paid for my time with the team. And there are no other caveats or contract demands from me, although I would enjoy getting to meet Walter Thurmond. I just want to be able to say I was a Seahawk. If. Anyone has some connections within the Seahawks organization who can make this happen, let me know. And if coach Carroll or GM Schneider happen to stumble upon this, how about it guys? I'll make you proud.

What Has Happened To The History Channel?

2011-11-13T17:06:00.000-08:00

I can remember the days when the History Channel was home to some quality programming. When history was actually mentioned on the channel. But now it's gone the way of MTV, airing one terrible reality show after another in a race to the bottom to appeal to the lowest common denominator. Just look at their line up:

American Restoration

American Pickers

Pawn Stars

Big Shrimpin'

Hairy Bikers

Ice Road Truckers

What is this garbage? How do any of these shows have even have the remotest relevance to history? This is an absolute joke. This is nothing but gawking at the lower class. The channel should change its name to the Red Neck Reality Show Channel. Anyone employed by the History Channel should be filled with shame.

Heartbreak Ridge

2011-11-13T16:39:00.000-08:00

For Veteran's Day I did manage to find a Granada film to watch - Heartbreak Ridge. Clint Eastwood plays a surly, troubled Marine Corp gunnery sergeant who, when he's not picking fights, finds himself in jail on drunk and disorderly charges. Mario van Peebles co-stars as a terrible actor pretending to be a flamboyant marine who moonlights as a horrible singer/guitarist who thinks he's going to be a rock star. Truly one of the worst performances I've seen outside of a B movie. I had to fight the urge to shut the movie off every time he referred to himself as, "the ayatollah of rock & rolla" which he did several times. Clint is a certified bad ass - a congressional medal of honor winner for his service in Korea - and is assigned to whip a platoon of cocky, entitled, insubordinate marines into fighting shape.

The portrayal of the force recon marines - the marine corp special forces - was one of the most unrealistic things I've seen in a film. They were completely undisciplined, spending more time goofing off and trying to act like macho tough guys than doing any actual training. They are insubordinate, repeatedly ignoring direct orders and telling their commanding officer 'you can't tell me what to do'. One of them even picks a fight with Clint (and loses badly). If any soldiers really acted like this, I'm sure they would be dishonorably discharged. It's an insult to anyone who has ever served in the military. Some people have suggested that it is a satire of gung-ho war movies but I really didn't get that impression. Any satire present was completely unintentional and I think calling it a satire is making an excuse for a poor movie.

This movie was a failure on nearly every level and I couldn't find anything to like about it. It fails as a war movie with an hour and a half buildup for a 10 minute battle which was hugely anticlimactic. The superior officers are a bad cliche - incompetent dim wits who hold a grudge against Clint and are constantly setting him up to fail. If you're looking for some insight into the Granada conflict, you're better off reading the Wikipedia entry since this doesn't tell you anything about what led up to the invasion, what happened during combat, or the aftermath. It may as well have been a fictional conflict. There is no character development and no depth to any of the characters. The dialogue is laughable. The plot is eye rolling. The only thing I can imagine that anyone might enjoy is if you're looking for a movie where Clint is a tough guy who beats people up and thumbs his nose at authority, and you don't care about anything else, then this might be the movie for you. Otherwise you're better of staying away.

Just watching this trailer again makes me cringe.

Veterans Day

2011-11-10T23:01:00.000-08:00

It's time once again to thank all of the brave men and women both currently serving and retired from active duty who have risked their lives for my freedom and safety. Nothing I can say will ever come close to expressing the gratitude I feel.

Usually I observe Veterans Day by watching a war movie, however I don't know if there are any left that I haven't seen. I watched Band of Brothers again earlier this year and its companion series The Pacific (which was disappointing in comparison). I watched Patton on Memorial Day. It's been a while since I've seen The Longest Day or A Bridge Too Far, but I feel like I need something other than WWII or Vietnam. I don't know if there are any films about the Grenada invasion, I couldn't find one on google. I kind of feel like watching Tropic Thunder again, is that too disrespectful? Maybe I should watch We Were Soldiers, I haven't seen that in a few years. I'm open to suggestions.

Smooth Criminal

2011-11-07T13:37:00.000-08:00

At some point last week a terrible cover of Michael Jackson's Smooth Criminal came on the radio. What made this cover so bad was that the band performed it - Alien Ant Farm according to the internet - turned it into an alternative song. This is exactly why I rarely listen to KNDD - I don't want bad music burrowing into my head like the worm that Khan put into Chekov's ear in Star Trek II. And if you're wondering, yes I did shriek in agony just like Chekov when I heard that song. The problem here is that I heard just enough of it that it keeps getting stuck in my head. And here's the weird part - it only happens at work for some reason. I don't know what it is about this desk that it torments me with bad music, maybe it's possessed.

If you haven't heard the cover, do yourself a favor and don't go out and listen to it. It's worse than the heavy metal cover of Come On Eileen that I had planned years ago and, fortunately for all, never followed through on. I still think a Canyonero cover is a good idea though. I know a few people in bands and have tried to talk them into performing a live cover but my pleas have fallen on deaf ears. It smells like a steak and seats 35. Since I refuse to link to Alien Ant Farm, here's the Canyonero song instead.

Anyway, long story short, if you've got any songs that will dislodge Alien Ant Farm from my brain, let me know.

Iniative 1183

2011-11-04T20:44:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I got home and opened my mailbox to find yet another large, glossy political pamphlet telling me to vote no on Initiative 1183, the initiative to privatize liquor sales. Like so many of it's previous brethren, this pamphlet told me in bold print that Costco is contributing millions of dollars to the campaign and is trying to buy the election. Ignoring the other facts that passing 1183 will mean opening liquor stores within schools, that DUI fatalities will increase at least 1000 fold, and that society as we know it will come to an end, I couldn't help wondering why, if Costco is spending so much money to pass this initiative, then why am I not getting any mailings telling me to vote yes while I'm receiving at least 2 a week telling me to vote no. And why are 3 out of 4 televised commercials I see telling me to vote no. And which firemen am I supposed to believe, the ones telling me to vote yes or the ones telling me to vote no?

So I set off to find some kind of data telling me how much money the vote no folks are spending, since they are so focused on spending. I assumed that there had to be some sort of transparency on campaign financing, but didn't know where to look. After some digging, I found the Public Disclosure Commission web site. Unfortunately I discovered that it's not as easy as just searching by initiative, candidate, ballot measure, etc. You have to search by committee, and there may be (and most likely are) multiple committees for each initiative. As it turns out there are hundreds and hundreds of committees to search through.

While far from a thorough accounting, I did make some progress. I found that the Yes On 1183 Coalition has spent roughly $18 million so far. The largest contributors thus far being Costco, Safeway, and Trader Joe's. And it should be noted that with the exception of Trader Joe's, every contributor is from Washington state.

On the other hand is Protect Our Communities. This poor organization has thus far spent roughly $12 million to tell us how much Costco is spending. Not as much as the proponents, but still a significant amount. What I found most interesting, however is that the majority of contributors are from out of state. The Wine & Spirits Wholesalers Of America, Inc out of Washington DC are far and away the biggest contributors donating almost $9 million to date. I'm sure that the well being of Washington citizens is their primary concern. The National Beer Wholesalers Assn of Alexandria, VA is the next largest contributor. Surely their motives are altruistic as well. As a matter of fact it appears that 80-90% of contributors are out of state alcohol distributors, and the majority of in state contributions come from unions. I don't know what the UFCW Local 21 or the Teamsters have to gain by rejecting the initiative, but they have donated a significant amount.

So, after all of the lies and BS put forward by the no on 1183 campaign, I am not surprised to find that nearly all of the people trying to "protect our communities" have absolutely no interest in protecting any communities, but rather are wholly motivated by lining their own pockets. I also learned that I can't spell initiative correctly to save my life. I spelled it wrong every time I typed it. Thank you spell check. I also learned that you can't trust those shifty, no good firemen. And all of this adds up to me voting yes on 1183.

Quote of the Day

2011-11-03T12:53:00.000-07:00

In my office there is a significant problem with noisy people. I really, truly hate them all. Of particular note today are a group of women who sit down the hall and are prone to start cackling like witches extremely loudly. They could bring in a cauldron and start casting spells on people and I wouldn't care if they would just STFU. It truly is worse than fingernails on a chalkboard.

Anyway, after an outbreak of maniacal laughter today, one co-worker who shall remain anonymous said without missing a beat, "oh good, the rhesus monkeys we ordered have arrived." It made me laugh and is good enough to be awarded with the coveted quote of the day.

Seahawks

2011-10-31T21:10:00.000-07:00

The Seahawks are becoming increasingly frustrating to watch. For starters, there has been so much roster churn over the last 2 years that there are fewer and fewer players who have been around long enough that I give a crap about them. I have to wonder how big a negative impact that is having on jersey sales. Why would you buy one when there's no telling who will be here from one year to the next. More importantly, I'm really beginning to wonder if Pete Carroll and John Schneider have any idea what they're doing. Winning cures a lot of things, and so I gave them the benefit of the doubt last year, but this year the team is performing worse than the much maligned team they took over a couple years ago.

I will admit that I've been impressed with the performance of the defense, particularly since they spend 2/3 of every game on the field. They could use some better pass rushing (I'm still bitter about not drafting Da'Quan Bowers), and Brandon Browner can't cover anyone without holding and bumping them all down the field, still, the defense has been impressive. The offense, on the other hand, has been abysmal. The running game is worse than ever, and the passing game is a joke. I still can't wrap my mind around how, with better quarterbacks available, management brought in bad QBs two years in a row while vociferously proclaiming both saviors of the franchise. Is their talent evaluation really that bad? Worse than the average knucklehead on the internet who can't complete a sentence without attempting grammar genocide (see Field Gulls for examples of barely literate know it alls)?

More troubling, however, is the questionable play calling. I don't know if it's a play calling issue or an execution issue, but it is really head scratching how we can have several talented ball catchers on the team - Mike Williams, Sidney Rice, and Zach Miller are all very productive but somehow we can't get them the ball. And I can't, for the life of me, understand why we aren't throwing jump balls on short yardage plays. Mike Williams is 6'5", Sidney Rice is 6'4", Kris Durham is 6'6", Zach Miller is 6'5", can you really tell me that we can't get a height mismatch with one of them if we put them all in? And Kris Durham had a 35" vertical leap at the combine on top of the height! Yet we haven't even tried it. And Pete Carroll's propensity for head scratching play calls - like running a draw on 4th down with 14 seconds on the clock and no remaining time outs - continue to be a cause for concern. In post game interviews he always makes comments about them being emotional calls. Shouldn't a head coach be in control of his emotions enough to make logical calls?

Penalties and mental mistakes are signs of poor coaching, and both have been plentiful this season. There were 5 or 6 false starts in Sunday's game against the Bengals, which is bad for an away game in a loud stadium but completely inexcusable at home. And I thought the bone-headed personal fouls would stop after we traded Aaron Curry, but we still are giving away yards with Red Bryant head butting an opponent in front of a ref and Brandon Browner flipping Jerome Simpson - during a time out! And I still can't figure out why there was so much pushing and shoving going on with the Bengals, we don't play them often enough for there to be any bad blood. The Seahawks are just out of control right now. After leading the team to a playoff win, I've been willing to give Pete Carroll a long leash, but I'm really beginning to question if he has what it takes to coach in the NFL.

Finally, I was in attendance at Sunday's game and didn't get any kind of explanation why the Bengals didn't get the ball on the 1 yard line after Andy Dalton threw it at the ref in the second quarter. I can't, for the life of me, figure out how that was not either a fumble or a backward pass, but for some inexplicable reason the Bengals ended up with the ball at the original line of scrimmage (somewhere around the 17 or 18 if memory serves me correctly). For the love of God, can somebody explain to me what the hell happened? Did the officials rule it a forward pass despite the fact that it unquestionably went backwards (several yards backward)?

Dunbar's Number

2011-10-26T16:49:00.000-07:00

I was reading about Dunbar's Number today which, briefly, is a number theorized by anthropologist Robin Dunbar which is the maximum number of people with which people can maintain a social relationship. The theory is that the number of people that you can know on more than a superficial level is limited by the size of your neocortex, and that while the exact number is debated, the generally accepted value is 150. That being said, I feel I've hit my quota and as a result will not be extending or accepting offers of friendship unless one of the following criteria is met:

There is a loss of a current friend or acquaintance, thereby making room for a replacement.
A birth or marriage involving someone who I’m not willing to sever a relationship with occurs, forcing me to accept a new individual.
I meet a woman who is attractive enough that I would be foolish not to befriend her.
Someone is extraordinary in some way, and a social relationship would add to my enjoyment of life.

Now should one of these conditions be met, I will need to re-evaluate my acquaintance structure to determine who should be released in order to make room for the newer and better talent. Objective metrics have not yet been developed for this friendship evaluation, and based on my laziness, will not be developed until necessity forces me to.

Ultimately, I feel that I will improve my quality of life and the quality of my social relationships by actively limiting the number of people I associate with and stratifying my friendship hierarchy. And as always, bribes will effect the seeding of said friends. As a point of reference, I would like to note that acceptable bribes include but are not limited to: bacon, tickets to sporting events, cash or liquid assets, electronics, vacation packages, etc.

In conclusion, I didn't really plan this post out well and can't come up with a solid conclusion to wrap it all up, so I'm just going to stop and see how it turns out.

Word of the Day

2011-10-20T12:53:00.000-07:00

Today's word of the day - 'snackify' - is brought to you by PepsiCo. Pepsi CEO Indra Nooyi recently stated, "We see the emerging opportunity to ‘snackify’ beverages and ‘drinkify’ snacks as the next frontier in food and beverage convenience."

Yes, the company is referring to taking snack foods and liquifying them so that you can drink them. Sounds delicious, does it not? This bold slaughter of the English language comes on the heels of the announcement of their new line of drinkable fruit purees. Also mentioned are some drinkable yogurts, along with plans to mix in grains and nuts in future iterations.

Lunch time is quickly approaching for me, so I'm going to wrap this up so that I can go do some serious snackification. You can read more here.

*note - blogger's spell checker recognizes both snackify and drinkify as real words. Yet somehow it still does not recognize internet as a real word.

The Fighter

2011-10-16T20:47:00.000-07:00

This weekend I watched The Fighter, a movie based on the real story of working class boxer Micky Ward and his struggles outside the ring with his family. His overbearing mother wants to manage his career and does a poor job of it. He has a crack addicted older brother who is in and out of jail whose claim to fame is having knocked down Sugar Ray Leonard before losing the bout on points. His sisters hate his girlfriend and see her as coming between him and the family. Through all this he questions his commitment to a career in boxing.

Mark Wahlberg plays Micky Ward and having grown up with a similar childhood, does an admirable job of portraying Micky. He even does a respectable job of appearing like he can box. Christian Bale steals the show, however as Dicky Eklund, the crack addict older brother. Bale underwent a startling physical transformation for the role, looking gaunt and quite haggard. I think I could take him in a boxing match though. It is the relationship between the brothers that is the heart of the movie. It's difficult to see the effect of drug addiction on a family.

What I found most interesting was that Dicky proudly told everyone who would listen that he was the subject of an HBO documentary. He tells everyone the subject is his comeback, but in reality the subject is crack addiction. I managed to find the documentary online here, and while a nice addition to the film, it is heartbreaking to watch.

I recommend both the movie and the documentary. Together they present a nice one, two punch.

Agro-tourism

2011-10-14T12:22:00.001-07:00

The word on my word origins calendar yesterday was agritourism, which is a type of travel in which a visitor spends time on a farm to learn about the local agriculture. The calendar claims that it's wildly popular in Europe and gaining traction in the US. Other than the episode of the Office where Dwight was trying to turn his beet farm into a Bed & Breakfast, I've not heard of anyone in this country wanting to spend their vacation that way.

That said, I have an idea for a new form of tourism which I think will catch on quickly - agro-tourism. This is where a traveler goes to another city and flies into fits of uncontrollable rage. The thought being that it's better to vent your frustrations with life and the world somewhere other than where you live, thereby keeping your home town friendlier. We have already been shackled with the label of the ugly American so why not perpetuate that myth? It can't make things any worse.

*foot note - the Urban Dictionary defines agro as being angry or hostile for no reason.

Rent Movies While They Are Still In Theaters

2011-10-07T14:20:00.000-07:00

Would you like to be able to rent movies and watch them in the comfort of your own home while they are still in theaters? Soon you will be able to if you are a Comcast customer. Sounds great, doesn't it? Only until you see the $60 price tag. After I stopped laughing, I realized that for large families this might be a financially viable option, but for most people the concept is ridiculous.

The theater experience isn't very enjoyable for me since I've officially become a grumpy old man. Frequently the picture quality isn't as good as on my TV at home, and dealing with the hassle of other people talking and making noise during the movie, or pulling out their phone and sending text messages (they may as well be turning on a flashlight) is irritating. So for the right price I'd like to watch movies at home, however that amount is significantly less than the asking price. I'm not sure I'd pay $10. Then again I'm surprised that there are people that fork over the $5-$7 currently being charged for On Demand movies, yet the price remains so some people must be paying it. I'm interested to see how long this experiment lasts.

Chicken McNuggets

2011-10-07T11:35:00.000-07:00

About 20 years ago I swore off chicken mcnuggets for good. Every time I ate them I felt bad afterward, not to mention they didn't really taste very good. As a matter of fact, I got some for lunch one day and said a quick prayer before digging in, "Dear God, please don't let these kill me." I proceeded to bite into one only to discover that it was a chunk of breaded fat. I couldn't find any actual meat in it. That's what caused me to swear them off forever.

Some of you may have already guessed where this is going, and you're right. I took my life into my hands yesterday and strolled down to the ghetto McDonalds on 3rd & Pike. Luckily I didn't see any drug deals or police activity, nor was I harrassed by the Scientologist next door. It wasn't all good news, though, the creepy cross dresser was working that day. But I digress. I went there with the best of intentions - to get a nice healthy grilled chicken bacon ranch salad. That's when I fell victim to marketing. I saw the huge sign saying that 20 piece mcnuggets were only $5 and thought, what the hell. Obviously they didn't kill me, and I'm happy to report no ill effects to my digestive system. And I'm happy to report that the chicken to mystery ingredient ratio has improved drastically. However I was reminded that they still don't taste very good and I can now go another 20 years without eating them.

Now that I've conquored that fear, Kentucky Fried Chicken - or KFC as they now refer to themselves since the presence of actual chicken in their food is questionable - is trying to lure me back. That's another place that I only visit every 3-4 years as that is the approximate amount of time required for me to forget how unbelievably greasy their chicken is. But they keep advertising 4 extra pieces of chicken free in their buckets, and I struggle to resist the lure of free food. Since I have been there within the last year to try the infamous Double Down, however, I may have been there too recently to fall for it.

No Place Like Dome

2011-10-05T17:43:00.000-07:00

I don't know why, but as a kid I always wanted to live in a geodesic dome. Now that I'm all growed up, they seem wildly impractical. There ia very little, if any curved back furniture so furnishing one would be problematic unless you only placed things up against interior walls. Still, I see one right next to 520 in Clyde Hill on a daily basis and there are still days when I would at least like a tour.

*Edited to add pictures for your enjoyment.

Pom Wonderful Presents: The Greatest Movie Ever Sold

2011-10-04T20:52:00.000-07:00

Last night I sat down to watch The Greatest Movie Ever Sold. It's a documentary about product placement, marketing and advertising. Completely funded by product placement, marketing and advertising.

Let me start by saying that I find the concept completely brilliant, but I've seen brilliant concepts before that failed miserably in execution. Fortunately Morgan Spurlock, best known for Supersize me, followed through here. He begins with a discussion and demonstration of how product placement deals are made, allowing the viewer to sit in on negotiations with ad execs. I found this particularly interesting, notably the reluctance of any companies to sign a deal until some other companies are on board first, as well as the concern as to how their brand would be portrayed. Many marketers seemed overly concerned that Morgan would make the company look bad, despite the fact that they would be paying his salary.

In the second act, the documentary moves on to a discussion of the ubiquity of advertising in society, it's psychological effect, and it's effectiveness. One marketing firm went so far as to administer MRIs to subject while showing them various ads in order to view the effects on the brain. I had no idea that so much effort went into selling me products.

What really made this movie most enjoyable, though, was Morgan Spurlock's humor. Even during negotiations he wasn't afraid to crack jokes and keep things light. It was laugh out loud funny at times and contained more humor than a lot of comedies. It is well worth an hour and a half of your time.

In the extras on the DVD, Morgan Spurlock asked a lot of people what their favorite commercial of all time was. Some people mentioned the famous Apple 1984 ad. Others the Coke ad where Mean Joe Green gives a kid his jersey. Others the Wendy's 'where's the beef' ads. For me, however, hands down the best commercial ever made was the Tivo ad starring Joe Montana and Ronnie Lott. I still use the phrase 'boy howdy' from time to time as a result.

Tuna Tang

2011-09-29T16:38:00.000-07:00

I recently became aware of tuna flavored Tang. Since clam juice exists, the concept of a seafood beverage isn't unheard of, however it still doesn't seem too appealing. The good news is that no fish were harmed in the making of this beverage. The truth is that 'tang' is the Mexican word for the fruit that grows on a cactus. And from the picture on the package it's plain to see that it's a fruit of some sort. The bad news is that, from what I've read on the internet, it would taste better if it actually were fish flavored. I must admit that I am now somewhat curious, so if anyone has a trip to Mexico in their future, be on the lookout for a packet of tuna Tang and smuggle it back across the border for me to try. I'll report back with a fair and honest review.

HDR Photography

2011-09-28T14:51:00.001-07:00

I recently downloaded an HDR photography application for my new phone which takes 3 pictures at different exposures and then combines them into one image. Theoretically this should create more vibrant colors and things won't be hidden in shadows. I was playing around with it a little at lunch time today and this is the result.

Basketball TV

2011-09-23T18:41:00.001-07:00

This is the dumbest thing I've seen since the hamburger phone.

Suck For Luck

2011-09-15T23:26:00.000-07:00

I've got a couple new money making ideas for you. I've been watching the Seahawks and wondering why in the world Pete Carroll has been starting the completely horrible Tarvaris Jackson. I'm convinced that it's a plan to lose enough games that we can get the top pick in next year's draft and replace him with Andrew Luck. So I'm thinking about printing up some t-shirts with Jackson's picture emblazoned with the phrase Suck for Luck and selling them outside the stadium. The should go like hotcakes. Speaking of which, are hotcakes still the big seller they were in the past?

Moving on, today a coworker suffering from a cold informed me she was running across the street to Bartell's to get some Airborne. That's when inspiration struck. I now have plans to manufacture and market a cure all boldly named Placebo. The catch phrase will be, "it will cure whatever ailment you think it will." I think the general population is so willing to buy placebos already that brazenly naming it Placebo will make it irresistible. I think I will make the primary ingredient sugar for two reasons. Sugar pills have been historically used as a placebo, and also I figure the sweet taste will make it that much more pleasing to the suckers, uh, customers.

AJ Jacobs Trilogy

2011-09-06T20:44:00.000-07:00

I recently completed reading AJ Jacobs 3 books (to date). Since I'm pretty lazy, I'm combining all 3 reviews into one big, magical review.

Several months ago I read The Guinea Pig Diaries, the basic premise of which is that he would spend a month or so experimenting with a new lifestyle or behavior and see what effect it would have on his life and those around him.

A couple examples: my favorite, in one chapter he outsources his life. He hired some personal assistants to respond to his emails, answer his phone calls, do his shopping, read bedtime stories to his children, argue with his wife, etc. In another chapter, he practices 'radical honesty' which basically entails not just telling the truth 100% of the time, but going one step further and removing the filter between your brain and your mouth and simply saying whatever pops into your head.

Not only is the subject matter interesting, but AJ presents it in an entertaining manner. He's got a great sense of humor and weaves a lot of personal anecdotes into his narrative, effectively demonstrating the utility, or lack thereof, of the experiments. You really get a good idea of how people will/do react to an unfiltered mouth, or how a spouse would/does respond to being referred to a personal assistant. AJ definitely steps out of the theoretical and jumps into practical application with both feet.

Having thoroughly enjoyed the Guinea Pig Diaries, I followed it up with The Know It All. In an effort to learn all there is to know, AJ embarks on a quest to read the entire Encyclopedia Britannica and shares the journey along the way. This was his first book, and it shows. It has it's moments but overall lacks the polish and fails to captivate in the way his later books do. As you may have guessed based on the subject matter, it is a little dry. This book comes across as you would imagine one penned by Cliff Clavin would. There are some interesting facts, but a lot of the book is just tedious.

Finally, I made my way to The Year of Living Biblically. Like his other books, this is an account of a sociological experiment. This time he undertakes spending a full year following the bible as literally as possible. I really admire him for his dedication in taking the assignment so seriously. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, he goes all in. In addition to growing a full, bushy beard and walking the streets of New York for months donning old testament garb, he goes so far as to stone an adulterer. Don't worry though, the guy had it coming.

This book is amusing at times, but what I really found interesting was his earnestness in truly trying to not just follow a set of rules, but to understand the mind set of people with very different views from his. A liberal agnostic, he could have used this as an opportunity to mock the religious but instead attended church and prayed with snake handlers and invited a Jehovah's Witness to his home and had a frank and genuine conversation with him until said Witness had had enough and called it a night. The effort put into this book is admirable, and it really is a valuable insight into the mind of someone truly trying to understand an opposing viewpoint. The world would be a better place if more people put in the effort into understanding others. The Year of Living Biblically was well worth the time to read.

Seether - Country Song

2011-09-06T19:39:00.000-07:00

Even though I hate country music - it's the devil's music - I have to admit that Country Song by Seether is pretty catchy. Every time I hear it though, one particular lyric really bothers me.

I can't stand the taste of your mouth
This sublimation's out of my hands

What the hell is that supposed to mean? It makes no sense at all. Sublimation is the process of something changing states from solid to gas, completely bypassing the intermediate state or vice versa. The most common example being snow - water vapor solidifies without ever becoming liquid. How can that possibly apply to the taste of someone's mouth? Until I can get an acceptable answer to this question, I can't purchase any Seether music out of principal.

Hemp Latte

2011-09-04T16:32:00.000-07:00

You know you're in a hippy town when the coffee shop has a hemp latte on the menu.

Happy Birthday Warren Buffett

2011-08-30T14:05:00.000-07:00

In honor of Warren Buffett's 81st birthday, here are some of his best quotes:

"In the 20th century, the United States endured two world wars and other traumatic and expensive military conflicts; the Depression; a dozen or so recessions and financial panics; oil shocks; a flu epidemic; and the resignation of a disgraced president. Yet the Dow rose from 66 to 11,497."

"It's far better to buy a wonderful company at a fair price than a fair company at a wonderful price."

"Over the years, Charlie and I have observed many accounting-based frauds of staggering size. Few of the perpetrators have been punished; many have not even been censured. It has been far safer to steal large sums with pen than small sums with a gun."

"Investors should remember that excitement and expenses are their enemies. And if they insist on trying to time their participation in equities, they should try to be fearful when others are greedy and greedy when others are fearful."

"I try to buy stock in businesses that are so wonderful that an idiot can run them. Because sooner or later, one will. "

"Chains of habit are too light to be felt until they are too heavy to be broken."

"A girl in a convertible is worth five in the phonebook. "

"Beware of geeks bearing formulas."

"Derivatives are financial weapons of mass destruction."

"Wall Street is the only place that people ride to in a Rolls Royce to get advice from those who take the subway."

The Economist’s Guide to Parenting

2011-08-29T18:59:00.000-07:00

Today I listened to the most recent Freakonomics podcast titled: The Economist’s Guide to Parenting. It was pretty interesting, and more importantly, revived a question I've had for a long time - why do people choose to have kids? Children are a financial drain, having children takes away free time and privacy, studies have shown that parents are less happy than comparable people without children. No matter what angle I look at, children are a detriment rather than a compliment. Is it simply a biological imperative - that some people have an overwhelming urge to procreate? Is there a disillusion that children will bring happiness? Are people lonely and think kids will relieve the loneliness? Is it just because you need someone to mow the lawn and do the dishes but can't afford a landscaper or maid? I've read that some people have a psychological compulsion to have offspring - feeling that it gives them a sense of purpose in life, a legacy if you will, and as such the closest thing to immortality. But that can't be the only reason. And of course, there are the idiots like these two creeps who are so stupid that they think that the extra $65 a month that an extra child will bring on their welfare check makes the statutory rape of a 12 year old girl a good idea. Idiocracy doesn't seem so far fetched after a story like that.

Long story short, despite the fact that I can't think of a good reason to produce offspring, people do it every day and I know quite a few people who have children. Even my parents thought it was a good idea at some point. So I welcome all feedback on what might compel you to reproduce. I'm sure the parents I know have good reasons, but I'm sure the childless have some even more entertaining reasons for or against as well. As for me it remains something I can't logically reason out for myself.

On a personal note, despite the fact that I've considered this dilemma before, I've never taken the logical step of asking my parents what their reasons were. I always assumed it was because they needed someone to do housework. They may have a different story though. And I'm not making any judgments about my dad, but I've never seen him laugh harder at the Simpsons as when Grandpa said, "It was your mother's job to name you, and love you and such. I was mainly in it for the spanking." I'm just saying ...

Finally, in an effort to prevent or at the very least postpone an Idiocracy scenario, I feel it is in the nation's and the taxpayers' best interest to offer free vasectomies and tubal ligations at the government's expense. The majority of the nation's poverty, drug, and crime problems can be linked to irresponsible parents who don't want and are incapable of raising kids but have them anyway because they are too lazy and/or stupid to use birth control. I think the one time expense will pay for itself many times over in a reduction in future long term crime prevention, litigation, and incarceration costs.

Finally

2011-08-24T13:28:00.001-07:00

... That elusive 500th Starbucks downtown location that we've all been waiting for. There are still places where I have to cross the street to get coffee though so they still have some expanding to do.

Fortune Favors The Bold

2011-08-18T18:28:00.000-07:00

...or so conventional wisdom teaches us. Equally true, albeit less frequently if ever mentioned, is that disaster also favors the bold. Taking risks without understanding or recognizing the potential downside should not be misconstrued as courage when it is, in fact, ignorance. I'm not saying that you shouldn't be bold, but rather that judicious analysis of the risks involved is wise.

Jump

2011-08-05T17:28:00.000-07:00

I was made aware that yesterday, allegedly, a man perched himself upon the ledge above the Bartell's across the street from my office and threatened to jump. Police arrived on the scene and the man got some attention, which I suppose is the point. Anyway, I can't help thinking, if you truly plan on jumping to your death, shouldn't you get atop a building taller than 25 feet or so? At that height all you'll do is break your legs. I'm told that the drama came to an end when a police officer offered him a cigarette, so I suppose he was just jonesing for a smoke all along.

Quote of the Day

2011-08-01T15:20:00.000-07:00

Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge. - Charles Darwin

I'm in the middle of a book that, the portion I was reading this morning, discusses confidence, and more specifically misplaced confidence. The book mentioned this quote while noting that studies have shown that the least talented people are often the most confident. So file this little gem away until the next time you come across someone who knows everything and will never admit to being wrong or unsure about anything.

Goodbye Verizon?

2011-07-26T16:58:00.000-07:00

For months now I've been waiting to upgrade my phone. I've been eligible for an upgrade since 12/31/10 but have been waiting for a dual core LTE phone. Two such phones were announced at the Consumer Electronics Show in JANUARY, and to date neither phone is available, and what's worse, neither phone even has a release date announced. Both the Samsung Galaxy S II and the Motorola Droid Bionic were originally scheduled for release in April, however for reasons that were never made public, both phones have been plagued by repeated delays. Now here we are at the end of July and Motorola has announced the the Bionic will be available "summer 2011" while Samsung has narrowed their date down to "August". There are rumors that the Bionic will be available 8/4, but there are also rumors that it won't be out until sometime in September. Based on it's track record, a delay until September seems more likely. There are rumors that the date for the Galaxy S II is 8/12, but there's nothing substantial to back that up.

Meanwhile, over at Sprint, the HTC Evo 3D is available now, and the Motorola Photon will be available 7/31 and has very similar specs to the Bionic. Is it time to switch carriers and give up on Verizon. Honestly, I think that if 8/4 comes and goes and the Bionic is still unavailable, then I will walk into the Sprint store on 8/5 and give them my business. The Galaxy S II has been available in other countries for 4 months, yet we can't even get a firm release date in the US. Frankly, I'm tired of waiting, and by the time either of these phones actually hits the market, something better will be available. Sure, Verizon has the fastest network, but what good is that if I have to access it on an inferior phone? Every day it's looking more and more like my days as a Verizon customer are numbered.

Electric Razors

2011-07-24T20:11:00.000-07:00

I am in need of a new electric razor. The batteries in my old one died and I managed to destroy the razor while trying to extract the batteries. So I've been relying on a blade for the last several months, which means I've only been shaving about once a week since a blade is more time consuming and messy. Anyway, I've been wondering whether the cleaning systems are worthwhile or if I'm better off saving my money and counter space and just manually cleaning my razor. My old razor was a wet/dry model and I could just run it under the faucet which seemed to do the job just fine. Some of the docks claim to sharpen the blades as well, but I wonder if it's just a gimmick. Does anyone have any experience with these?

In unrelated news, I'm pretty much sold on the foil razors. Hopefully the rotary razors have improved a lot since the last time I used one, but they were significantly louder and much more abrasive to my skin. It's foil or nothing for me.

Trade Rumors

2011-07-21T18:36:00.000-07:00

Shamelessly copied and pasted from ESPN.com:

UPDATE: It appears the Mariners are committing themselves to showcasing Figgins as they have announced Thursday morning that rookie Kyle Seager has been optioned back to Triple-A, which leaves third base wide open for the veteran for the time being. Furthermore, Figgins started in left field Thursday in Toronto.

...

The Seattle Mariners would seemingly do anything to rid themselves of the burdensome contract of Chone Figgins, who is due $17 million over the next two years.
In the midst of an 11-game losing streak, the Mariners Wednesday made no effort to showcase Figgins, who was picked off first base Tuesday against Toronto as the trail runner in a first-and-third situation. Geoff Baker of the Seattle Times says manager Eric Wedge was "visibly peeved" with Figgins and decided to keep him on the bench.

Figgins, hitting a mere .184, lately has been limited to occasional starts at third base in place of rookie Kyle Seager.

Baker says Figgins is drawing some trade interest from the Reds, who are looking for a leadoff hitter. Any such deal would undoubtedly have the Mariners eating a chunk of salary.

If there is any truth to these rumors, I say send him to the Reds. Eat as much of his salary as it takes (short of all of it) and take whatever we can get in return. Just get him off the roster.

In barely related news, I'm once again renewing my plea to Rick Rizzs to, for the love of God, exercise some creativity for once when coming up with nicknames. I can't take any more guys with a y added to part of their name, ie: Ichy, Guty, Miggy, Figgy, Peggy, Vargy, Fisty, etc. This is absolutely shameful for someone who calls himself a professional broadcaster. Not only is this extremely lazy, it's also too cutesy and irritating. And not being one to criticize without offering some alternatives of my own, I present to you:
The Smoaker (Justin Smoak) - admittedly no more clever but significantly less cutesy. As an alternative, the Smoak Monster - for those Lost fans.
Carpe Diem (Mike Carp)
Silver Bullet (recently demoted Kyle Seager) - this one may be too obscure for your average fan though
Beavis (Blake Beavan)
The Iron Fist (Doug Fister)
Peg Leg (Carlos Peguero)
The Frog (Luke French) - he's in Tacoma but still on the 40 man roster so he's technically eligible for a nickname
F Her (Felix Hernandez) - borrowing the A Rod nicknaming convention, this one may be to risque for the conservative Mariner organization. Still, I find it amusing.
Laffey Taffy (Aaron Laffey)
Admiral Ackley (Dustin Ackley) - it's a trap! This one may be my favorite.
Shakespeare (Josh Bard) - again, possibly to obscure, not to mention that it goes against the long standing tradition that nicknames are typically shorter than actual names.
The Red (Chone Figgins) - this one is wishful thinking.

I don't have a nickname for Greg Halman, but do think they should play Soul Man when he gets up to bat. My mental soundtrack already queues it up for him.

There is plenty of room for improvement here, but I feel it's a good starting point.

In addition, I can't stand to listen to Dave Sims anymore. If there is a less passionate, less knowledgable announcer out there, I haven't heard him. I heard him refer to 'Safeco Park' in a recent game. Again, shameful. He doesn't even know where he goes to work every day. Get anybody else in there. I'd kind of like to hear Kevin Calabro even though he likely doesn't know anything about baseball. At least he's enjoyable to listen to. Or how about being the first team to break the gender barrier and bring in Jenny Finch or maybe some other former member of the US National softball team. That's close enough to baseball that they should have some valuable insights, and since Jenny Finch is married to former major leaguer Casey Daigle, she should be knowledgable about baseball in addition to softball.

That's it, I'm done for the day.

Trade Deadline

2011-07-19T20:58:00.000-07:00

I've had this sitting here half written for several days, so I guess I should finish it up. If it's uneven, that's because I cared about it when I started but don't anymore - I just don't want to completely abandon it.

With the trade deadline roughly 2 weeks away and the Mariners all but eliminated from any playoff hopes (they still have a 2% chance of making the playoffs according to Cool Standings), they are officially sellers this year. So let the trade talks begin. Currently there are only 4 guys on the roster that I would be unwilling to trade: Hernandez, Pineida, Smoak, and Ackley. And even then, for the right price I could be talked into giving up any of them except Felix. The problem is, other than those guys, who do we have that might bring us anything worthwhile in return? I would say Ichiro and maybe Brandon League. I don't think ownership will ever let Ichiro go, but with him currently hitting .260 with 1 HR and 24 RBI, an OBP of .307, and a salary of $17M a year, I'm certainly willing to let him go at this point in his career. Brandon League made the All Star team this year and his value will probably never be higher. I don't have a great deal of confidence in him, so for the right price I'd trade him, I just don't know if any contender is willing to give us a legitimate prospect for him.

So the question in my mind is: which position players will be with the team long term? And I define long term as beyond the 2012 season. The pitching staff is solid, it's just the fielders that need work. Looking at the roster now I say Ackley, Smoak, and maybe Carp and Halman. Beyond that it's a complete rebuild. Nobody else can hit well enough to keep around. And yes, I am saying that I think Ichiro is just about done. I don't know who in Tacoma is going to be able to step into the majors next year - I like what I've seen of Matt Mangini, but the team doesn't seem to think too highly of him. The organization seems to like Kyle Seager and have given him a little playing time at 3rd, so assuming he pans out, that leaves 5 holes to fill. Since it doesn't appear that we will fill those holes through our own minor league system that means we have to fill them through free agency or trades. Unloading Ichiro's $17M salary and Figgins $9M will mean we can do a bit more the free agent route, but we still have to trade for 2-3 major league ready players or prospects. Without crippling the pitching staff that's a tall order to fill.

Considering all this, I think the only trades we're likely to see are 1 reliever and 1 starter going. Ichiro is the only position player that might bring back a decent return but ownership will never let him go. Any other trades will be to dump salary or clear a roster spot to get a younger guy more playing time. So I think we might see Brandon League go - his value has never been higher. I'm skeptical as to how long he can remain productive anyway so I won't shed a tear if he leaves. It's also possible that either Vargas or Fister might get traded. It would be a shame to lose either, but with the amount of run support they have gotten I have to think either would welcome a trade. That's it, one or two of those three, and maybe dumping some fielders who are taking up roster space. We won't see anything to get excited about this year.

What The Hell Is That?

2011-07-19T20:27:00.000-07:00

I received one of these mystery fruit from a friend of mine who, in turn, received them in a bag of assorted organic fruits and vegetables. I am as clueless as her as to what it might be. It has a hard rind - firmer than a lemon - and roughly the same size, maybe a little smaller. I would guess some kind of citrus.

I cut it open and it smells like some kind of melon, or at least I think it's melon scented, I can't quite put my finger on it. Also it has seeds that look like small watermelon seeds.

The moral of the story is, what the hell is that? Some unholy expirement which nature never intended? I can't identify it. The good news is that it has led to the next innovative idea from Craw Fu Enterprises: WhatTheHellIsThat.com. This is a web site where you upload a photo of something you can't identify and the What The Hell Is That experts will identify it for you. After I get it up and running I'll sell it to Google for a billion dollars then buy a Hawaiian island and retire.

Weather

2011-07-13T17:28:00.000-07:00

After starting out lousy today and being forecast to get suckier throughout the day, the weather took a surprising turn for the pleasant this afternoon. Sadly I've come to the realization that this all comes at a cost. Everywhere downtown is more crowded when it's nice, and of course the volume of irritating jerks harassing people for signatures or donations goes through the roof. But the often overlooked issue is the sheer number of people aimlessly wandering the streets like escaped alzheimers patients. The incessant weaving, bumping into people, or just standing around blocking a sidewalk so nobody can get by is astounding. It's enough to make me miss the rain and cold, when people walk with a purpose and a direction. I'm thinking about getting a cattle prod.

Boy Scouts

2011-07-03T10:50:00.001-07:00

I'm on the ferry right now and surrounded by a troupe of squirrely boy scouts. Now the interesting part of this story is that one of these scouts is wearing a patch that has a guitar engulfed in flames. Now, as a kid I was a cub scout but never graduated to full fledged boy scout, so it's entirely possible that things are different, still I don't recall any merit badge for dueling with the devil at the cross roads. I assume it's the Charlie Daniels badge. I don't know if this particular kid won his duel or not, however it would be reasonable to keep an eye on him to see if he becomes the next Justin Bieber. Come to think of it, this would explain Bieber's popularity.

The Great Canned Ham Experiment Of 2011

2011-06-23T17:00:00.000-07:00

A couple months ago I saw some Spam on sale and, having not eaten any since I was a child, decided I'd try some to see if it was as bad as I remembered. I decided to prepare it by slicing it up and pan frying it. Over the course of 3 days I ate it for breakfast with eggs and toast. I found it to be too salty for my taste and a little mushier than I would have liked. After the first day, I attempted to rectify this by frying it longer, but this seemed to only crisp up the outside while it was still mushy in the center. Thinner slices failed to rectify the situation. Overall it was edible, but I wouldn't call it good. Not good enough for me to buy again in the following decade.

Having successfully survived phase one of the experiment, I moved on to Dak canned ham. Thinking this was just straight ham with no seasonings or potential mystery ingredients, I assumed this would be a step up in flavor and quality. This assumption was incorrect. I prepared it the same as I had the Spam. I don't really know how to describe the flavor other than surprisingly un-hamlike. An hour or so after my first helping, I grew ill and threw up all of the ham I'd eaten. As you may have inferred from the use of the phrase 'first helping' in the preceding sentence, this intrepid experimenter was undeterred by the possible contraction of trichinosis. Allowing myself a day to recover, I indeed proceeded to round two. This was more successful in the fact that it didn't make me vomit, however it was still not good by any conventional use of the term. I still had half a can of ham left after two breakfasts but couldn't bring myself to eat any more and tossed the remainder.

Following a few week hiatus, the experiment resumed with Deviled Ham. To the best of my knowledge, I've never had deviled ham before and didn't really know what to expect. I've had deviled eggs, which are more or less eggs with mustard, so I didn't know if this was just ham with mustard.

Cat food?

The first thing I noticed was that it, had I not seen the label on the can, I would have assumed it was cat food. Based on the consistency, I clearly couldn't prepare it the same as the previous experiments so I decided to spread it on some toast. While this was hands down the best flavor and the least likely to be regurgitated, it turns out the devil likes his ham really salty. Saltier than I typically prefer. I think that perhaps made into a sandwich with some lettuce and maybe relish to cut the saltiness it might be quite good, but at this time I'm no longer interested in continuing the experiment. I think I might just be better off sticking to some sliced deli ham to fulfill my ham needs. I don't know if there are other variations on canned ham that I'm unfamiliar with, but if there are I may or may not give them a try when I find them.

Alpacolypse

2011-06-20T19:11:00.000-07:00

As you may or may not already know, after a 5 year hiatus Weird Al Yankovic has a new album out titled Alpacolypse. You can listen to it in its entirety here. For the most part it's pretty disappointing, possibly more an indictment on the state of pop music today than on Al, but there were a couple gems.

The second track on the album - CNR - is a parody of the White Stripes and an ode to Charles Nelson Riley. The video was created by Jib Jab and is a masterpiece. Note the head of Chuck Norris on his trophy wall at about :50. This is now my favorite video.

The other one I really enjoyed was Stop Forwarding That Crap To Me. Believe me, there are some people that I need to start replying to their emails with a link to this:

Please?

2011-06-16T09:18:00.001-07:00

So this morning I was stuck behind a guy walking down the sidewalk that I couldn’t get around. It was a narrow section of sidewalk and he and his buddy were taking up all of it. I was very tempted to say, “get the f*#& out of the way please” feeling like adding please on the end made it polite. So if I add the word please to the end of any request, does that automatically make it polite, in the same way that prefacing any statement with, “with all due respect” makes it socially acceptable no matter how insulting the following statement might be?

Ode To The Stock Market

2011-06-15T22:44:00.000-07:00

I'm officially nominating this the official song of the New York Stock Exchange.

My big question though, is this the beginning of the double dip recession that's been predicted by some or a temporary down turn? Historically speaking a June lull is not uncommon for the Dow, is that what's going on now? I've read analysis suggesting that we're in for another long term bear market and others that suggest we'll be back to a bull market by year end. I really don't know what to believe.

On the one hand my gut tells me that this is a short term correction since there are not apparent indicators driving the market down. Unemployment hasn't spiked in recent months. Real estate is still struggling but hasn't dropped significantly. Mortgage rates are low so real estate might even level off. Speaking of which, how much percentage would I need to save in order to make refinancing worthwhile? Retail sales are up a little. I feel like this is a buyers market.

On the other hand, some of the crazy IPOs recently - see Linked In (LNKD) and Zipcar (ZIP) - are somewhat reminiscent of the tech bubble in the late 90s. The market seems far too speculative - investors seem to be ignoring fundamentals and gambling rather than investing. That makes me a little skittish. Is this behavior going to fuel another crash?

I just don't know which way this is going to go, but will take the advice of Warren Buffet who said, "I am a huge bull on this country. We will not have a double-dip recession at all. I see our businesses coming back almost across the board." He also said, "we simply attempt to be fearful when others are greedy and to be greedy only when others are fearful." Is it time to be greedy? And even though he said, "beware of geeks bearing formulas" I don't think that applies here. It is entertaining though.

Quote of the day

2011-05-26T16:32:00.000-07:00

"In a hierarchy, every employee tends to rise to the level of incompetence."
- Laurence J Peter from the book The Peter Principal: Why Things Always Go Wrong.

For some reason this really seems apropos today.

Impending Apocalypse

2011-05-19T21:17:00.000-07:00

Many self proclaimed Christians who have no understanding of the bible are preparing for the rapture, which they believe will come on Saturday. That being said, if you are planning on departing the earth this weekend, can I have your stuff?

New Drink

2011-05-19T20:29:00.000-07:00

Yesterday afternoon I stopped in Gelatiamo for a delicious gelato to enjoy in the sunshine. While there I was salivating at the smell of the cinnamon bread they had there but when I saw that it was $12 a loaf I decided to pass. Anyway, since then I've had a cinnamon craving. Sipping my coffee at my desk this morning I thought that if I were to go to Starbucks I could sprinkle some delicious cinnamon into my coffee. The drawback to this being that I didn't feel compelled to walk a block to buy coffee when I get free coffee in the building. Necessity being the mother of invention, however, genius struck. We have cinnamon apple herbal tea in the kitchens in the office, so I grabbed a tea bag and just like that a new drink was born - coffee tea.

I don't know why it never occurred to anyone before to join forces of the worlds two most widely consumed beverages, but truth be told it was a little funky and I don't plan to attempt that particular combination again. I remain undaunted though. Just because the cinnamon apple tea didn't work doesn't mean that Earl Grey won't. Some day when I really need to double down on the caffeine I might give it a try.

Downtown

2011-05-19T20:21:00.000-07:00

With the weather being delightful today, I decided to take a walk during my lunch break. I headed down toward Westlake Center, on the way passing a band of greasy hippies on 4th Ave protesting something. I don't know what and I don't care. They were standing in front of the Borders Books waving signs that said something about stopping mining. I'm fairly certain that Borders isn't involved in any mining operations, but the real point of this is that I got to thinking - is there any less effective way of gaining support for a cause than waving signs and irritating people with chants? Has anyone ever walked past a group of people who don't appear to have bathed in a week yelling poorly rhymed nonsense and said, "you know what, I don't think Borders should be doing any mining." Or has anyone ever walked by a table with some creepy people holding signs with President Obama with a Hitler moustache drawn on him and decided, "well that changed my mind, I'm voting for Lyndon Larouche in the next election." No, of course not, so why do people still do it? Obviously they are misguided, but there's got to be more to the psychosis.

Anyway, moving on from there I grabbed some food and continued my stroll. As it turns out, the route back to my office was a little adventurous. A few blocks were shut down by police and there was a helecoptor hovering overhead. I snapped a few photos across the street from the Washington Mutual Tower, or I guess now the Chase Tower although I haven't heard that it has officially been renamed. Naturally there were a lot of people standing around watching the proceedings and after stopping to ask what was going on, I found out that there had been a shooting on a bus a couple blocks from my office. Word on the street was that a woman had been hit by a ricocheting bullet, although news reports I found after the fact say that medical response teams found no evidence that she had been hit. So despite some fear, no one was injured and the police caught and arrested the two perpetrators shortly after.

All in all, a pretty eventful lunchtime stroll. It kind of makes me miss the more rural areas where your biggest concern is that the guy down the street gets busted with a meth lab in his garage. I'd really like to find a job on the East side again where shootings and violence are rare and my commute would be much shorter.

Office 2010

2011-05-17T17:45:00.001-07:00

I have MS Office 2007 on my home PC and Office 2010 at work. Am I mistaken or is the only difference between the two that 2010 takes forever to load up and they moved everything around so I have to learn where it is all over again? By the way Microsoft, I hate the ribbon. Please just go back to the drop down menus at the top of the window.

Beat The Bridge

2011-05-15T10:15:00.001-07:00

Well, it was a poorly organized and exceptionally irritating event, and being soaked from the constant rain doesn't help, but I officially beat the bridge. Now I'm warm and dry inside the Starbucks at Barnes & Noble and I plan on beating this cup of coffee and muffin while traffic thins out. Many thanks to everyone who donated. Hopefully it will help save lives. Surprisingly enough, according to the event web site, as of Friday you had made me the top fund raiser for Team Safeco. Unfortunately that's more a case of the rest of the team doing a terrible job of fund raising than me doing a good job, but still... Thanks again.

The Spirit Carries On

2011-05-13T20:11:00.000-07:00

They've been rock icons for a quarter century. They've sold over 10 million albums. But the unthinkable has happened. Drummer and founding member of Dream Theater, Mike Portnoy, has left the band. I've never seen a band audition before and I have to say that the process is fascinating. 7 drummers auditioned, and I can't really imagine how difficult it would be to choose between them. But choose they did, and it was well worth the time invested to get to the big reveal. It was interesting to see how different drummers play songs from their catalog and a big joy for me to get to see them jam and hear snippets of what may end up being songs on the next album. I can't say enough good things about the following videos. If you have any interest in music then you'll enjoy watching.

Leave Me Alone

2011-05-13T11:59:00.000-07:00

It's finally sunny and dry in Seattle which means I can't walk anywhere downtown without being harrassed on every corner by pushy people wanting signatures or donations or whatever. I am constantly set upon by PETA, Greenpeace, Save the Children, those creepy Lyndon LaRouche supporters, and various other groups that I can't remember. Is it really asking that much to want to just go get some lunch and get back to my desk uninterrupted? And I don't know if I look like a sucker or what, but they always seem to target me. I just walked across the street to Starbucks and saw several people walk past the trap unscathed only to have a girl try to stop me. How do other people get through the trap? What's the secret?

I have two simple rules I follow in these situations: don't make eye contact and don't shake hands. If you make eye contact they seem to take that as an invitation to pounce on you. Don't shake hands was more of a sanitation issue for me because God only knows what's on their hands after shaking with random people for several hours, but the one time I felt like a jerk and shook a woman's hand out of guilt, she wouldn't let go. I literally had to yank my hand away - lesson learned. I typically don't let people finish a sentence before I say, "I'm not interested" but there's some vital piece of the puzzle I'm missing to keep them from approaching me to begin with. Everyone that knows me will attest that I'm not friendly by any traditional definition of the word, so I doubt people are seeing me and thinking, "that looks like a delightful person to talk to." Would it help if I looked pissed off constantly?

So while I enjoy the (finally) improving weather, it does not come without peril. Whatever your secret is to help me make it through the summer, please inform me. And for any organization that employs people on the street, nothing will turn me against your cause faster than harrassing me at inconvenient times.

Conspiracy Theories

2011-05-04T23:21:00.000-07:00

The human mind is programmed to solve puzzles, to put pieces together, in general to reason out the cause and effect relationships in the world. In some people, this critical thinking instinct doesn't work properly and the next thing you know, you think that Major League Baseball is using sattelites to spy on you for the purposes of selling more merchandise, or worse yet you're wearing a tin foil hat and watching Jesse Ventura's television show. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I love a good conspiracy as much as the next man. And I love a bad conspiracy theory more than the next man. Anything involving covert government operations, secret groups that control the world, time travel, or aliens is usually pure gold. I found a link today that features some grade A, laugh out loud lunacy.

Some of my favorites:

J Edgar Hoover created a hit squad of flamboyant homosexuals to assassinate JFK, because hey, who would ever suspect flaming homosexuals?

All redheads are the offspring of aliens. I'm not sure of the reasoning behind this one, but the lack of reasoning is apparent.

Canada, the US, and Mexico are planning on uniting to form one massive country. The most entertaining part of this conspiracy is the quote that came from the conspirator, “I heard and see on the internet that this is in the makings is it or not? if so what would happen to the Consitution of Independce?” Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you read that correctly - the Constitution of Independence.

And my personal favorite: “Dentist are putting small mircowave type things in your teeth! This help's to give you Heart Burn which in turn puts Doctor's in business and Drug companies selling Heart Burn med's. NEVER HAVE YOU SEEN THIS ONE COMING.” I personally plan on confronting my dentist regarding this at my next appointment. I will also seek comment from Dr. McNabb

Useless Trivia

2011-05-03T17:02:00.000-07:00

Did you know that in a round about way, the word gopher is derived from the same word as waffle? According to my sources, the furry little creature got it's name from the French word guafre, which itself is a corruption of the Dutch word wafel. The Dutch word, when translated, means honeycomb. Makes sense that this eventually came to describe the delicious breakfast treat, but more obscure is how it came to describe a rodent. Apparently some cajuns down in Louisiana adopted the name because the rodents built honeycomb shaped burrows. So if you ever find yourself in Louisiana, I would recommend exercising caution when ordering waffles from the menu.

NFL Draft

2011-04-28T16:37:00.000-07:00

It's NFL Draft time again, and time for my annual predictions. I'm really late getting them out this year, with the draft scheduled to start in 2 hours, but with the lockout in progress, I've lost some interest and haven't followed the proceedings with the usual fervor. So here goes:

The Carolina Panthers have the top pick, and I really don't think QB is their top priority right now, having drafted one high in the 2nd round last year. Granted, that QB was Jimmy Clausen - a QB the Seahawks were reportedly interested in but that I think is pretty worthless and hence breathed a huge sigh of relief when somebody saved the Seahawks from making that mistake. But the prevailing opinion seems to be that they'll take Cam Newton. That, to me, is a huge gamble. He could be the next Steve McNair, or he could be the next Jamarcus Russell. Since the Panthers frequently are near the top of the draft, it's because they don't do a good job of it, so I'll jump on the bandwagon and say they roll the dice on Newton.

As for the Seahawks, it's so hard to guess who will still be available that late in the draft, and I really hope it's Jake Locker, but the consensus seems to be that he won't last that long. Neither will the #2 guy on my wish list - Mike Pouncey. Some people are suggesting Jimmy Smith - the troubled CB from Colorado who is physically gifted enough to be a top 10 pick. After reading the following report though, I have to think there's no way he ends up in Seattle.

Jimmy Smith failed three drug tests (KFFL) NFL teams are well aware that Colorado CB Jimmy Smith has failed three drug tests while at college, and he told at least one team that one of the three was for misusing codeine. Smith also told teams of his two alcohol-related violations, the pair of abortions that were paid for by parents of women he impregnated and an arrest for third-degree assault in a restaurant. "Two abortions, aggravated assault, two minors in possession, three failed drug tests ... that's a little excessive," said a league personnel man.

What does that leave? I think Colin Kapernick or Ryan Mallett are possibilities, but both reaches in the first round. I think they will be trying to trade down, but who knows if that will be successful. So, assuming they don't trade the pick, I'm going to look into my crystal ball and say that a shocking thing occurs and Da'Quan Bowers falls into the Seahawks lap and they snatch him up.

Officially on my wish list are Marcus Cannon, OG from TCU, and Leonard Hankerson, WR from Miami whom I have already nicknamed Hanky. It would be a shame to let that nickname go to waste. I'm also pretty fond of Stephen Paea, DT from Oregon State and Sione Fua, DT from Stanford and hope that we can get one of them for a bargain. I also like Owen Marecic, FB/OLB from Stanford. Maybe we can pick him up as an undrafted free agent.

Anyhow, since I'm a little low on draft predictions this year, I'll throw in this, to which the only thing I can say is what the hell?

At first I thought perhaps this was the new crushed nuts flavored Doritos, but some further explanation here says different. I don't want to spoil it for you, but apparently the Kanji on the bag translates to, "revived by an electric nut grind." Oh those crazy Japanese.

iBrother Is Watching

2011-04-22T15:50:00.000-07:00

As if I needed any more reasons not to buy any Apple products, I found an article today that apparently in the latest version of their OS, they have embedded code in your iPhone that tracks wherever you go with the GPS and forwards it back to Apple to sell to the highest bidder. Apple continually shows contempt for it's customers, but I have no doubt that fanboys will immediately chime in to defend them regardless. At least Steve Jobs hasn't been as blunt about giving the finger to his customers as Facebook VP Elliot Schrage who said, "If you don't want Facebook to share your personal information, don't share your personal information with Facebook." But he's slowly but surely closing the gap.

And while Apple is evasive in regards to what they do with this data, what is clear is that law enforcement is using it to keep tabs on you. Now I'm a law abiding citizen - I don't even jaywalk - so I should have nothing to fear by this, or so you would think. But it raises the question for me of who else is tracking people, and are law enforcement agencies only using this data in an ethical manner. This is a little too Orwellian for my tastes.

I'm Done

2011-04-13T21:54:00.000-07:00

After procrastinating for way too long, I finished up my damn taxes today. This was the first year I've ever had to itemize and it took me considerably longer to file than in previous years, but I learned a lot. There are a lot of deductions and paperwork involved with purchasing a home, though it was much less painful than the nightmare of getting a loan.

Filling out schedule D for capital gains and losses is a little confusing, particularly when I had some securities that I've held for a long time that was not easy to determine the cost basis for. I'm very happy that I had TurboTax to do most of the work for me. Being able to download 1099s directly from financial intuitions is a fantastic feature and saved a lot of data entry.

I saved a mountain of receipts, bills and miscellaneous documents for medical expenses last year, foolishly thinking that I could claim that as a deduction. It was all for naught as I learned that medical expenses have to amount to more than 7.5% of your adjusted gross income which turns out to be more than the maximum out of pocket expenses covered by my insurance provider. So now I guess I've got a whole lot of shredding to do.

I was happy to learn that in Washington I'm eligible to deduct part of my vehicle registration. Sadly, after a little more research I learned that I can only deduct the RTA tax portion which amounts to $5. Hardly worth the time it took to find that out.

All in all, I'm relieved to be done though. And I just received an email that my return has been accepted by the IRS already - according to the time stamps on the emails 12 minutes after e-filing. And the confirmation email tells me I can expect my refund on 4/22, so the party is at my place next Friday!

Finally, I couldn't have made it through this without the help of Faith No More. The gentle serenade of these minstrels soothed my jangled nerves and kept me sane and relaxed throughout the process. Yes, I've still on my Faith No More bender that I believe is going on 2 weeks now. Here is a delightful sample for your enjoyment.

Where Are They Now

2011-04-08T15:11:00.000-07:00

I got in the elevator this morning, much like I do every weekday morning, but what differentiated today's ride was that on the way up to lucky 13, the elevator made a stop on 8 where a gentleman who bore a striking resemblance to Rick Astley got on. For a moment I thought I was about to be the victim of a live Rick Roll, however my fellow passenger departed the elevator without ever uttering, "never gonna give you up." I was relieved at this but it did get me thinking that since I don't know what Rick is up to these days, it's entirely possible that he would accept some money to perform personal Rick Rolls. As a one hit wonder I don't imagine he became wealthy enough to never have to work again, unless he invested very well, but that seems unlikely. Regardless, as a result of this encounter I now find myself a bit paranoid when getting in the elevator. It might be the stairs for me for a while.

0-6

2011-04-07T13:48:00.000-07:00

The 0-6 Boston Red Sox are off to their worst start since 1945 after being swept by Texas and Cleveland. It couldn't happen to a nicer team and just kind of makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. And things aren't going to get much easier with them going home to face the Yankees, Tampa Bay, and Toronto. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they'll be 0-15 after this home stand and mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.

Sadly, things aren't looking a whole lot better for the beloved Mariners. After an impressive 2-0 start, winning a series for the first time since, if I remember right, sometime in 2009, they haven't won since. Hopefully they'll have better luck against Cleveland than the hapless Red Sox did.

Beat the Bridge

2011-04-05T16:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends and Family,

I have just registered for the 29th Annual Nordstrom Beat the Bridge to Beat Diabetes. This event draws people together in a healthy activity for a worthy cause: raising money to help find better treatments and a cure for type 1 diabetes.

Beat the Bridge takes place on 05/15/2011, and I'm writing to ask for your support. Now more than ever, EACH of us can make a real difference in the lives of people with type 1 diabetes. Please support me in this important goal by visiting my personal page and making a tax-deductible contribution. Donating online is quick and easy; however, if you would prefer, you can mail your contribution to the address listed below. Make your gift payable to JDRF, and please put my name in the Memo field.

Your gift will help make a difference in the lives of people with type 1 diabetes.

I greatly appreciate your support and will keep you posted on my progress. In the meantime, if you want to learn more about the advances your support is helping to make possible, please visit the JDRF website at http://www.jdrf.org/.

Scott Crawford

To donate online, click on my Personal Page.

To send a donation:
JDRF Northwest Chapter
1215 Fourth Ave., Ste. 1400
Seattle, WA 98161

About JDRF:
JDRF is the worldwide leader in funding research to find better treatments and a cure for type 1 diabetes, an autoimmune disease that strikes children and adults suddenly and lasts a lifetime. JDRF sets the global agenda for type 1 diabetes research and is the largest charitable funder of and advocate for diabetes science worldwide. To date, JDRF has funded more than $1.4 billion in diabetes research, including nearly $101 million in FY2009.

Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation
1215 Fourth Avenue, Suite 1400
Seattle, Washington 98161
(800) 925-5533 or (206) 838-5153

Quote of the Day

2011-04-05T12:12:00.000-07:00

"Notwithstanding the tragic loss of life in the Gulf of Mexico, we achieved an exemplary statistical safety record we recorded the best year in safety performance in our company’s history.” - from a Transocean regulatory filing regarding paying safety bonuses to its executives.

Wow. Really, I don't know what to say other than wow. That takes a lot of nerve. Transocean, if you remember, is the owner of the Deepwater Horizon oil rig that was being operated by BP that exploded last year, killing 11 workers and spilling millions of gallons of oil. Truly exemplary safety right there.

I don't know where to find the actual regulatory filing, and at a reported 74 pages I'm not sure I want to read it anyway, but you can find more information about it here and here. If there's any justice in the world, this will destroy their business and render those receiving bonuses unhirable in the future.

This ranks right up there with Abercrombie & Fitch selling padded push up bikinis for 7 year olds in terms of questionable corporate ethics. Really unbelievable....

More Photography

2011-03-31T18:49:00.000-07:00

As promised, here are a couple more pictures from the album. This album is titled Fall Foliage. This first picture was taken from my deck on that dry day we had back in November. Today not a single leaf remains on that tree.

This second photo comes from about a quarter mile down the street. I didn't get the time of day I was hoping for, but if memory serves me correctly this was taken the day after surgery and I wasn't concerned enough about lighting to wait around for perfect conditions. I was just glad to have blue skies, and I think it turned out pretty nice anyway, particularly since this was taken with my phone. I really like this because it brings back fond memories. Back when I was still working in Redmond, I would take this road home from work every afternoon, and for a good stretch of the fall, it would be just the right time of day that the sun would be behind the trees, the street would be covered with leaves, and it would all have a beautiful golden glow. These days I get to take the bus home and have a nice view of traffic and hobos peeing on street corners. Not that I'm bitter or anything.

Hay

2011-03-31T18:33:00.000-07:00

I just can't stop laughing at this Craigslist ad. I can't quite put my finger on it, but something about it is just a little off. Just in case the ad gets pulled I'm going to grab a screen shot of it, so here you go.

If you decide you're going to get some hay, do your best to avoid being stabbed with a pitchfork. I also found this, which nearly brought tears to my eyes.

I'm going to be laughing about this for days.

Pro Day

2011-03-31T16:56:00.000-07:00

This just in: at the UW pro day, Jake Locker taunted the NFL, scouts, Seattle sports fans, newspaper readers, and various others.

The Seattle Times had a better picture on the front page of the sports section but decided not to include it in the online story so you'll have to make do with this similar image from the Tacoma News Tribune. Shortly after the pro day ended he put on some medieval armor and said, "I fart in your general direction" with a French accent.

Pictures

2011-03-30T22:43:00.000-07:00

My buddy PGT has made his first foray into the world of blogging with his site Composition. An amateur photographer and nature lover, his blog is dedicated to photographs he has taken, with a heavy focus on mountains. So head on over and welcome him to the world of blogging, and by that I mean inundate his comments section with vulgar and offensive comments. And as my own personal tribute, here's a photo I took last winter, and maybe if you kids are real good then I'll share some more of the Craw Fu photo album later.

One final note: most of the pictures I take turn out very poorly, this is one of the few I really like, so don't go thinking I'm any kind of photographer. I'm strictly a point and shoot guy and even at that the vast majority of my photos I take with my phone. As soon as I upgrade my phone, however, I expect my photos to upgrade as well. My current phone actually has a decent 5 MP camera, but the replacements I'm looking at have a 8 MP cameras and what's more can take HD video. Ooooh!

Downtown Is Fun

2011-03-30T13:52:00.000-07:00

Ok, so a lot of weird stuff can happen in just a couple short blocks. Yesterday I discovered there’s a Right Aid 2 blocks away on 3rd & Cherry, so today I decided to stop in there to see if they have any different stuff than the Bartell’s across the street which I typically frequent. Well, it was significantly more ghetto, and there was one super drunk guy in front of me in line. I don’t know what kind of person is completely hammered at 1:30 in the afternoon, but he was actually dressed reasonably nicely (wearing a sport jacket), but he couldn’t even stand still, he was wobbling all over the place. Then he got up to the register and said something unintelligible. The cashier asked him to repeat himself and he slowed down and managed to get out, “where’s my bag?” The cashier pointed at his hand and said, “it’s in your hand.” Then he looked down, looking confused and said something else I couldn’t understand. Apparently the cashier understood him because she said, “that’s the only bag you had when you came in here.” He continued to look confused and then walked out of the store without saying anything else.

As if that weren’t enough, on the way back to the office there was a guy walking the other direction who was yelling at somebody on the phone. All I heard was, “you’re being so foul right now. You’re hella foul. You f*&#@ing bleepity bleep …” and then he got far enough away that I couldn’t hear any more. He seemed a trifle hypocritical though.

I miss working on the East side.

In unrelated news, every time I see someone with an iPad, the first thought that goes through my head is, "good God that's a gigantic phone." I'm not sure I'll be able to make the transition to tablet computers.

Random Thoughts

2011-03-29T08:03:00.001-07:00

As I was washing my frying pan this morning, a thought occurred to me. Nothing sticks to teflon, so Spiderman would be almost completely powerless against someone coated in teflon, so why did he never have to fight a villain named Teflonman? Is it a brand name and there are trademarks involved or something? Or did that villain exist and I simply don't know about him because I've only seen the movies?

From there I moved on to wondering: if pro is the opposite of con, is prostitution the opposite of constitution? And is it illegal because the two took opposing views on the stitution issue? That's the government for you, stamping out any opposing perspectives.

Finally, in an attempt to add one more useless app to an already overcrowded cell phone app market, I wonder if there is a rotary phone app. It might help to integrate some technophobes into the modern age. Also it would give all the youngsters who never had to dial a rotary phone some old timey fun.

I also feel that the term 'old timey' is not used frequently enough these days.

Comcast At It Again

2011-03-25T19:11:00.000-07:00

Recently I mentioned that Comcast is doing it's best to defend it's title of Worst Company In America as voted on by readers of The Consumerist. Well, it gets better. Now, rumor has it, Comcast has sent memos to all of it's employees encouraging them to vote for their opposition in the first round - Charter Communications - Chicago style (early and often). I've talked to enough Comcast CSRs to know that at least the folks working in the call centers hate their jobs, and I wouldn't be surprised if a majority of the remainder of the employees felt the same way. If they don't give their customers any respect, why would they give their employees any either. Anyway, as you may have guessed by now, this backfired in a big way. The first round poll is now closed and Comcast crushed Charter, garnering nearly 84% of the vote. The only blowout more lopsided in this round was scored by BP.

The true gem of the article was this little insight that I couldn't have worded any better myself:

But reigning Golden Poo holder Comcast has decided that, rather than actually do anything about the problems that make it a perennial favorite

It's just laughable that their response to poor service is never to address the issues and make improvements. As if strong arming employees into voting in a poll is going to make customers forget that they have been screwed by Comcast in the past, or that changing their brand to Xfinity will make people think it's a whole new terrible company instead of the same old one. It's sad really.

Well, they've advanced to round 2 where they will face off against Best Buy and no doubt crush them handily. Other than having employees with no real knowledge or training, I've had no issues with Best Buy. But what do you expect from minimum wage staff, it's not really any different service than I'd get at any other large department store. Comcast will continue to steamroll the competition in this poll until they run into the unstoppable BP buzzsaw. Bank of America is the only company that will even keep it close with BP, but even taking the homes away from thousands upon thousands of people will be enough I'm afraid. Stay tuned as the competition continues.

Brownie Humidor

2011-03-24T22:52:00.000-07:00

They say that necessity is the mother of invention, and I currently have a necessity. You see, this weekend I significantly underestimated the volume of brownies that the Costco mix would make. Now I have more brownies than is safe for one man to eat and they are starting to dry out and get hard. That is why somebody needs to invent the brownie humidor. Years ago, when cigars were drying out and losing their flavor, someone stepped up and invented the humidor to keep them fresh. All these decades later I find it hard to believe that no comparable item exists to keep my brownies moist, gooey, and delicious. And it would work for other baked goods too: cookies, turnovers, and even croissants. I'm not sure a standard humidor would work, the crumbs and what not would get the wood too messy and would be difficult to clean. Perhaps I need a walk in humidor in my kitchen. I may have to contact a contractor.

Useless Trivia

2011-03-17T10:15:00.000-07:00

And now for today's timely edition of useless trivia:

What was the original significance of the “O” and “Mac” in Irish surnames?

March Madness

2011-03-16T14:27:00.000-07:00

It's that time of year again, time to fill out your brackets. No, not your NCAA tournament bracket, but the Worst Company in America bracket, brought to you by The Consumerist. There are some solid contenders this year, a few banks, BP, Facebook, but my money is on Comcast retaining their title. I believe they are the top seed for their decades of abysmal customer service, and frankly the only people I know who have never had an issue with Comcast are the people who have never had their service. Although they are matched up against Charter Communications in round one, a company that my parents had a great deal of trouble with before they decided to just cancel their service and live with whatever programming they can get over the air or the internet, so maybe the whole industry is a mess. It's going to take a very strong showing though to beat out BP after the disaster this year. I see Bank of America as a very strong contender as well, with their massive foreclosures and penchant for nickel and diming you to death with ridiculous fees. I'm surprised that Lehman Brothers didn't make the cut despite their recent shenanigans, but perhaps they haven't directly effected enough individuals to gain wide notoriety.

To be honest, many of these companies I haven't heard any major complaints against, so I assume they are also rans just thrown in there to fill up the bracket. Really any large company is going to have it's fair share of complaints no matter how good a job it does. I think it will boil down to just the few big favorites mentioned above.

Good Hair

2011-03-15T20:29:00.000-07:00

At the urging of a friend, I watched the documentary Good Hair on Saturday and have to say it was quite eye opening. I had no idea how much time, effort, and expense some women put into their hair. It's produced and narrated by Chris Rock, so it's pretty entertaining. Plus it features Nia Long who is pretty easy on the eyes. It turned out to be pretty interesting. The one side effect, though, is that I've had the Goodness song New Hair stuck in my head ever since. So listen to this and do your best not to let it get stuck in your head too.

Sounders

2011-03-15T19:56:00.000-07:00

As I was waiting for my bus today I discovered that the Seattle Sounders season starts tonight as I witnessed the migration of friendless geeks who call themselves soccer fans heading south through downtown on their way to Seahawks Stadium. As I witnessed this event, I was reminded that the majority of soccer fans in the area are pathetic posers, desperately jumping on the Sounders bandwagon while they are winning in a vain attempt to try to convince themselves that they are cool, not realizing that there are no cool soccer fans. Go ahead and name one. You can't because one doesn't exist.

It really is sad, these poor souls have deluded themselves into thinking that since soccer is popular around the world, pretending to like it here will somehow imbue them with some sort of credibility with the citizens of the world. Trends from other countries are quickly glommed onto here. European fans like to wear scarves, so posers here have to have scarves too as if to say, "me too!" Fans in some countries like to meet before the game and march into the stadium, so of course local fans saw that and quickly got together and said, "we've got to do that too if anybody is ever going to think we're cool!" Some countries like to compose songs and chants for the game and when fans here got wind of that, they immediately said, "no one will ever take us seriously if we don't have songs and chants of our own!" And if vuvuzelas and hooligans haven't reared their ugly heads around here yet, it's simply a matter of time. It's as if there's some "soccer fan" checklist somewhere on the internet that every phoney here had to memorize. And if you're one of those people that will seize any opportunity to lecture people that it's really called 'football' every time you hear either the word football or soccer, then you really need a good slapping. You're not even man enough to earn a punch, all you get is a big slap.

The level of phoniness and lack of originality is only eclipsed by the mindless drones in the cult of Apple that have to bow down to Steve Jobs 3 times a day while facing Silicon Valley. Seattle soccer fans are rapidly closing the gap though. I think it will just take 2 poor seasons to shake most of the posers off the bandwagon. I don't know if I can last that long though.

Nanotechnology

2011-03-15T18:54:00.000-07:00

Perhaps I've been spoiled by science fiction films, but I've been pushed to the point where I must demand that science start stepping up it's game and start inventing some of the technologies which will make my life easier that have been promised to me by the entertainment industry. Specifically, get to work inventing some nanobots that will scurry around my house cleaning it up for me. I'm envisioning some microscopic bots similar to the Scrubbing Bubbles mascot which will scuttle around cleaning my windows, counters, floors, etc while I kick back and watch some television. These are way overdue.

Grubstake 2.0

2011-03-02T16:44:00.000-08:00

Today I decided to head down the street to Okinawa Teriyaki for lunch. I've never been there before, but it's got decent reviews and I was craving some teriyaki. Unfortunately after walking all the way down the hill, I found the place closed - a regular ghost town in there. And it was only 1:50, what the hell? I don't know if there's a remodel going on, or if word got out that I was on my way and they shut off the lights and hid, but I was disappointed.

Quickly formulating an emergency contingency plan, I looked around and saw that I wasn't far from The Grubstake and started heading in that direction. Both Kris and Brian had claimed that the burgers were actually sold at the fish bar, but since it was Kris and Brian I was skeptical. I mean, who would trust either of those guys? As luck would have it, however, they were correct and before long I was waiting on my order.

First of all, it took them about 10 minutes to make my burger. I'm not sure why, the only possible explanation I can think of being that it came with jo jo's and maybe they didn't have any prepared. But when you only have 45 minutes for lunch and you've just walked 10 minutes to get there and it will be another 10 minutes back, that's a significant delay. Anyway, I always prefer jo jo's to frys since they have a more favorable potato to grease ratio and was please with the offering, except that they could have used an extra minute in the fryer as they weren't thoroughly cooked. Still edible though.

What I first noticed about the burger is that it was huge. Big enough that I had trouble fitting it in my mouth. This was problematic because, in conjunction with the added level of difficulty of eating while walking back to my office (thanks to the 10 minute wait), the burger was impossible to keep together and not only were bits falling out all over the place, but the bun got completely shredded before it was half eaten. I ordered the bacon cheese burger, and it came with an abundant amount of lettuce, tomato, and onion. So much onion in fact that it brought a tear to my eye while eating it. Either that or the 40 mph winds blowing in my face were causing my eyes to water, but I'd like to think it was a combination of the two. In the future I would prefer less onion, or better yet, some sauteed onions. But I digress. As I was saying, with a salad inside the burger, I consider that my portion of vegetables for the day and think of it as health food.

The hamburger patty itself was very big, I think the sign said half a pound. There was also ample bacon. Still I found the whole thing a little dry, as Brian also mentioned, and I also think it could have used more cheese. This is where some condiments would have come in handy, but since it came wrapped in paper and I feared that unwrapping it would result in a catastrophic mess, I didn't add any. All it came with was mayo, and if you've ever seen The Whole Nine Yards, you know that mayo is unacceptable on a burger. So should you order one of these burgers be sure to tell them to hold the mayo and then add some ketchup and mustard yourself. And take about half the onions off.

So, for $6.99 you get yourself well on your way to a coronary bypass with this big burger, but you'd probably be better off walking one pier over to Red Robin and grabbing something there, although the wait will be even longer and it will set you back a few more bucks. If I worked closer I might return, but as it is I probably won't make that trip again for a mediocre burger.

Letters To The Editor

2011-03-02T16:10:00.000-08:00

Last week, the editorial staff here at Craw Fu Inc received an email from concerned reader, The Chuckman. Due to incompetence here at Craw Fu, the aforementioned email was deleted, however as luck would have it I still recall the basic point that was being made. To the best of my recollection, The Chuckman - not known for his eloquence or verbosity - said, "why is some peoples still sayin' 'the machine' 'bouts answering machines? Aint everybodys on voicemail now?"

You make an excellent point Mr The Chuckman. The answering machine is an antiquated relic that I believe is only still used by octogenarians and people who fear technology. That pretty much leaves your grandma and Ted Kaczynski as the only people who should still be referring to 'the machine'. As I see it, this presents us with two problems:
1. To what more deserving technology should the term 'the machine' now be applied, and
2. What should be said instead of 'leave a message on the machine'?

To the first problem, based on my knowledge of science fiction films, I know that eventually 'the machine' will refer to the Terminator, and the things from the Matrix, and so on, however in the interim something else is needed. I personally volunteer to take on the nickname 'the machine' for the good of society for the time being. Feel free to begin using that immediately. At which time a more impressive and worthy technology arises, I will freely relinquish that title.

The easy answer to the second problem is that people should just say, "leave me a voicemail." And since many people already do and I don't have a better or even a more amusing suggesion, I'll leave it at that.

If you have a question or comment that requires my special analysis or attention, feel free to contact me. And if you don't want your name published on the internet, provide a suitable alias or one may be provided for you.

Grubstake

2011-02-25T16:53:00.000-08:00

Today I decided I wanted to try one of the burgers at Grubstake that I'd seen advertised on this sign on the corner. I risked life and limb walking down to the waterfront to get the aforementioned burger and nearly died of hypothermia and may have lost a few fingers and an ear to frostbite, I won't know for sure until later. Anyway, I arrived at the sign and quickly followed the finger pointing the way and walked into the pier only to find The Crab Pot, and oyster bar, and an ice cream stand, none of which appealed to me. Nowhere to be seen was a place called The Grubstake, and nowhere to be seen where any burgers. The place also has a glowing review on Yelp, so the evidence at hand leads me to believe it really exists, but the one question I have is where the hell is it? If this were a hot dog place, nobody would care if it couldn't be found, however burgers are on the line here people. That's something you don't joke around about, particularly when you're throwing around adjectives like 'best'. I demand to know where this place is hiding, or else I demand that entire pier be sunk into the sea and forgotten for generations in retaliation for their misleading signage. This will not stand. Where's my burgers, damn it!

Useless Trivia

2011-02-22T16:16:00.001-08:00

Who owned the largest commercial whiskey distillery in 18th-century America?

AM Radio

2011-02-17T21:00:00.000-08:00

This has nothing to do with the Everclear song, rather it is in regards to the quandary I find myself in these days. I used to have my alarm clock set to KZOK in the mornings and I would awaken to the Bob Rivers Show. A few months ago, however, Bob and company left the station following a contract dispute leaving me in search of a new radio show to listen to in the mornings. Truth be told, the Bob Rivers Show had been in steady decline anyway with Bob increasingly turning into a grumpy old man. Still, I have had a great deal of difficulty finding a suitable replacement.

For a while I tried listening to Kent & Allen on KPLZ, and while they are quite enjoyable gentlemen, the music selection on that station is insufferable. Next I switched to 104.9 KFNK with the knowledge that at least I could wake up to some enlightening heavy metal. Again, tragedy befell me when the station inexplicably changed formats to become GenX, an eclectic mix of music from the early 90s, most of which I'd forgotten and wish I'd never been reminded of.

Following these disasters, I returned to KISW, which I had defected from years ago when they made the unfortunate decision to hire BJ Shea, since I knew I would at least like the music. The problem, though, is that BJ is a loud mouthed jackass who feels that hiding behind the guise of unfiltered honesty gives him license to be an overbearing jerk. He spends half the morning shouting and, as luck would have it, that's also his preferred debate technique: if you shout so loud that the other guy can't get a word in edgewise, you'll never lose an argument. And either he frequently plays the devil's advocate or he is just dumb as hell. And the rest of the morning crew is no better. There is one guy whose job, it seems, is to cackle like a hyena at everything that is said, whether it was meant to be funny or not. I just can't stand it anymore.

So again I find myself in need of a decent radio station to wake up to. I've tried a few other miscellaneous stations, but either I can't stand the music or I can't stand the on air personalities. I don't need a morning "show", I would be perfectly happy to have nothing but music. I don't think I've tried KJAQ, maybe that's the solution. If not, then the logical next step is to turn off the alarm and just show up for work whenever I happen to wake up. At least until I get fired and don't need to get up at any specific time anymore. So I'm open to suggestions. The degree of difficulty being that I can't stand rap, pop, or country.

Motorcycle Noise

2011-02-17T20:26:00.000-08:00

It is high time that the state legislature start requiring motorcycles to comply with the same noise ordinances as cars and trucks. There are few things in this world more annoying than some middle aged guy with an inferiority complex living out his pathetic bad boy fantasy by revving up his overpriced Harley. If I owned a firearm, I'd probably shoot the jackasses that decide to do that in a residential neighborhood at 1 AM.

There's just no reason for bikes to be loud. Some of the fools that ride noisy bikes will try to claim that it's a safety issue because motorcycles are harder to see on the road since they are smaller than cars. This argument is completely bogus. There has never been a conclusive study that being noisier equates to being safer. It's simply more annoying. Even Motorcycle Cruiser Magazine debunks this myth.

Myth 2: Loud Pipes Save Lives

Yeah, there are a few situations—like where you are right next to a driver with his window down who is about the to change lanes—where full-time noise-makers might help a driver notice you, but all that noise directed rearward doesn't do much in the most common and much more dangerous conflict where a car turns in front of you. Maybe it's the fatigue caused by the noise, maybe it's the attitudes of riders who insist on making annoying noise, or perhaps loud bikes annoy enough drivers to make them aggressive. Whatever the reason, the research shows that bikes with modified exhaust systems crash more frequently than those with stock pipes. If you really want to save lives, turn to a loud jacket or a bright helmet color, which have been proven to do the job. Or install a louder horn. Otherwise, just shut up.

So write your congressman, beat down a Harley rider or simply verbally abuse him, just do whatever it takes to get these nuisances off the road. There's no point annoying the majority of the population so that some losers can compensate for their small genitalia.

Costco Thursday

2011-02-17T20:01:00.000-08:00

I just got home from Costco and it was the least crowded I've ever seen it. Is it possible that Thursday night is the magic night, or is tonight just an anomaly? Unfortunately though, the lack of a crowd didn't mean that there were no morons shopping there. I nearly yelled at the guy who decided to pull his cart up next to the cart of the woman who was stopped looking at something, blocking the entire aisle just because he thought that was a convenient place to stop and chat with his wife. Normally that type of offense is punishable by a running kick to the groins, but my kicking leg is currently out of order so he remains unpunished for his transgression.

I decided to get some Greek yogurt after being on the receiving end of some promotion that bordered on coercion from some friends and family who apparently have accepted positions with the Greek yogurt lobby. I immediately tried it when I got home and I can honestly tell you that in a blind taste test I wouldn't be able to tell the difference between this and any other yogurt. I'm sure that I'll be told I got the wrong kind of Greek yogurt or some other excuse, but I remain unconvinced of it's superiority.

I sometimes find it interesting to look at other people's carts and see what they are buying. Today I was intrigued by the gentleman who had a cart stacked high with nothing but toilet paper, garbage bags, and batteries. I counted 12 of the 24 packs of toilet paper. I don't know what that guy has been eating but I don't want any. I assume he's a restauranteur or some other businessman, but the lack of other items is a trifle confusing.

Saving the best for last, I bring you this glorious news. Despite the fact that I already own a copy on DVD, I was unable to pass up buying a copy of This Is Spinal Tap on blu ray for the paltry sum of $9.99. Anyone wishing to schedule a viewing of this comic masterpiece in glorious high definition on a 60" screen can feel free to contact me.

Have A Heart

2011-02-10T20:24:00.001-08:00

Nothing says I love you quite like a heart shape steak. So this Valentines Day give that special someone your heart.

James Harrison Rule

2011-02-03T23:31:00.000-08:00

In 2010 the NFL went way over the top penalizing and fining players for hits to the head in a vain attempt to reduce the number of concussions. Some players refused to adjust their play to comply with the new rules no matter how many times they were penalized or fined. James Harrison in particular racked up enough fines to finance another couple of government bailouts. Clearly the NFL's current tactics are not effective. That is why I propose what I call the James Harrison rule. For unrepentant repeat offenders, I think that officials should confiscate their helmets and force them to take the field in old timey leather helmets. If a player still wants to use his head as a weapon, he's going to have to put his own safety in jeopardy to do so. As I see it, this is the only viable solution.

Yes, I know this is Hines Ward and not James Harrison. He was the only player I could find wearing a leather helmet though.

Come to think of it, maybe teams should wear leather helmets in throwback games from time to time.

Accents

2011-02-03T16:53:00.000-08:00

After discussing former local sports radio personality New York Vinnie today and thinking about how grating New York accents are to listen to, I got to thinking, what is the worst accent to listen to? As much as I dislike New York accents, I will readily admit that they don't come close to being as annoying as Boston accents. What makes Boston accents worse is that Mass holes are the ones behind the accents. It isn't enough that the inability to pronounce the letter 'r' is an assault on your ears, the words chosen by your average Bostonian are even more offensive. I've never been fond of Russian accents, and since I'm typically unable to tell the difference, I'm throwing Ukranian, Armenian, and several other Russian sounding accents into the same category. I don't care much for the thick Southern accent either, but it's not nearly as bad as the previous accents. And since I still have some relatives in Alabama I shouldn't disparage it too much. Those are the only ones currently coming to mind that I don't care for, so I guess for me it's a toss up between Russian and Boston and it's kind of a day to day decision. At the moment I'm feeling like Boston accents are the worst though.

Green Hornet

2011-02-03T16:43:00.000-08:00

After seeing a trailer for the Green Hornet recently, I got to thinking: there are a lot of green superheroes. Just off the top of my head, in addition to the Green Hornet there is also the Green Lantern, Green Arrow, and the Hulk. So I got to wondering, is this some sort of conspiracy put forth by the Green Party? Unlikely since the Green Hornet drives a gas guzzler instead of a Prius. Are the Green Bay Packers behind this? Also unlikely since the majority of Green Bay fans aren't clever enough to conspire about anything. The most logical conclusion I was able to draw was that the artists at Marvel (or DC or whoever created the characters) had a bunch of extra green crayons in their box and needed something to do with them. I'm open to other theories though.

Actors and Politicians

2011-01-27T19:35:00.000-08:00

Over the years several actors have made the transition to political careers. Ronald Reagan, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jesse Ventura, Al Franken, Sonny Bono to name a few. Some have been more successful than others. But I got to thinking today, we've got another election coming up in 2012, which actor would you like to see toss his or her hat into the ring and start a presidential campaign? The only rules to this discussion are that the actor has to be eligible to be elected, which means even though Salma Hayek is very pretty, you can't vote for her because she wasn't born in the United States. And even though Haley Joel Osment might have some interesting ideas about capital gains taxes and immigration, you can't vote for him because he's underage. Oh, and you can't nominate any Baldwins, particularly Alec. They are all half (or more) insane, not to mention annoying. I'll start things off by suggesting Harrison Ford since he did a respectable job of playing the president in Air Force One.

Newest Eco-Hero

2011-01-26T22:06:00.000-08:00

Men and women whose primary concern is the environment have crowned a new hero. If you said this new role model was Genghis Khan, give yourself a gold star.

Temujin, as he was originally known, along with his Mongol horde massacred an estimated 40 million people according to the recent research removing 700 million tons of carbon from the atmosphere in the process and thereby cooling the earth. This has made him the new template for the next Green Party candidate. If Ralph Nader is unable to step up his game and make some campaign promises to end global warming by eradicating the world of it's most lethal enemy - humans - he will be unable to secure the party nomination. And so it is that I plan on profiting off of this by creating Genghis Khan t-shirts and tapping into the lucrative ignorent hipster market currently dominated by Che Guevara shirts.

I envision them looking something like this.

Or maybe this, although I personally prefer my design. Investors looking to become wealthy beyond their wildest dreams can begin sending me money now.